Thank you - I just wasted two hours. Never mind, it was on work's time
I like Emo Philips and Groucho Marx, although there are a few classics by others.
Some more (not as lengthy)
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
* Robin Williams
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.
* Robin Williams
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
* Billy Crystal
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
* Elayne Boosler
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
* Jay Leno
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
* George Carlin
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
* Lewis Grizzard
(On going to war over religion
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
* Rich Jeni
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
* John Wing
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse' or 'I need tampons'."
* Francois Morency
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
* Rich Jeni
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Jimmy Shubert
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is."
* Lenny Clarke
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
* Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
* Rich Jeni
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
* Ren Hicks
"Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive
scrotum!'"
* Jeff Green
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
* Kevin James
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
* Emo Philips
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Rich Jeni