 Profound Post-Modern Axioms
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a
jar of jalapeņos--you never know what's going to burn your ass.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound
they make as they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get
along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they
aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception
problem.
6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky
and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the
escape key.
9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!
10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through
peanutbutter.
11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their
level then beat you with experience.
13) Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters
from a kick in the butt.
14) Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you
won't be promoted.
15) The more **** you put up with, the more **** you are going
to get.
16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry
a clipboard.
17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
21) I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed
bump.
22) Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without
a boner, make him a sandwich!
23) What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it!
24) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine?
It's the one with bite marks on the cap! |