[Bardsey]

While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked
"Runway too short?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. "A what?
A rectum stretcher??
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do
With a six-foot a*sehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45.00
Look on copper's face ... Priceless....