Department of Wiggling

[Andy McGregor]

Re Unauthorised Sick Leave

It has come to our notice in the Department of Wiggling that you are currently failing to comply with your Contract of Employment. You have failed to make the agreed number of postings in the contract period and have failed to log in by 9am on Monday and Tuesday of this week.

You have given some feeble excuse that you have contracted a dose of the Dreadful Scathe and your nose and tongue have turned blue. We do not believe this for one second.

I have texted you a message of goodwill saying "Get well soon. We need our Wigglester". This is not a request, it is an instruction. Failure to follow this instruction may result in the withdrawal of your Licence to Wiggle.

Yours truly.

Andy McGregor
Wiggling Calibration Manager

[ChrisA]

To: Wiggling Calibration Manager

Sir,

As a junior operative in your department with aspirations to the status of "functionary", may I draw to your attention another miscreant, for whom disciplinary proceedings may soon be necessary.

Boomer, too, is systematically failing to perform to expectations. Though he has logged on, his contributions have been infrequent, and worryingly coherent when they have been seen.

I understand he and Ms Pamster have been away together for a weekend of disgraceful frivolity recently. Such a revelation is shocking enough on its own, but if, as it now appears, they are both too fatigued to post (and I hardly think dancing is sufficient excuse), further inquisitorial proceedings do seem to be warranted.

Yours, etc

[Andy McGregor]

Dear Inquisitor (Wiggling Division)

You are authorised to carry out a full investigation of this situation.

Please distribute you report to myself and to the Heads of Gossip Procurement and Inter-Species Rumour Studies (primate division).

I must say that I believe reports of sensible postings by Boomer are likely to be grossly exaggerated.

I will, receive your report in person at Hipsters tonight.

Regards.

Andy

[foxylady]

I was under the impression that the 'inquisitor' under the guise of investigating the wiggling properties demonstrated at an alternative location, would not be at Hipsters, and would, thus, not be able to deliver his reply 'in person'.

Yours
an interested party

[Mikey]

Originally posted by foxylady
I was under the impression that the 'inquisitor' under the guise of investigating the wiggling properties demonstrated at an alternative location, would not be at Hipsters, and would, thus, not be able to deliver his reply 'in person'.

Yours
an interested party

The "inquisitor" is more likely to be interested in the "Calibration Managers" wiggle
but Chris is steering clear of seducers and tea bagging discussed the other day But we shall see tonight at hipsters, would make for an interesting dance demo...

[ChrisA]

Originally posted by foxylady
I was under the impression that the 'inquisitor' under the guise of investigating the wiggling properties demonstrated at an alternative location, would not be at Hipsters, and would, thus, not be able to deliver his reply 'in person'.

Quite correct. A thorough investigation of wiggles of various magnitudes is to be conducted, for comparison purposes only, at a control location in the depths of Surrey.

When complete, a comprehensive and detailed report will be submitted at the aforementioned office.

The estimated completion date of said report is now Wednesday.

Yours,

Chris, Inquisitor, Wiggling Division

[Andy McGregor]

[quote]Originally posted by foxylady
I was under the impression that the 'inquisitor' under the guise of investigating the wiggling properties demonstrated at an alternative location,[/QUOTE


Dear Interested Party

I believe you are hinting that our inquisitor has been unduly distracted by wiggling at another location. This is not the case. He is charged with a solemn duty to seek out wigglers wherever thay may be and investigate the full extent of their wiggles with a view to them being calibrated at a later date. He is nothing if not diligent in the discharge of these duties.

I am confident that I will receive his full report at our Weekly Wiggling Workshop.

Yours.

Andy

[Dreadful Scathe]

Dear Wiggling Calibration Manager

I believe two of your operatives, namely primate Boomer and his handler Pammy, were very recently at an alternative venue in the far north - a climate clearly not suited for a normal primate. I put it to you: perhaps his plans were sinister in nature?

The disgraceful frivolity mentioned by your Inquisitor was not evident at this location, in fact, said primate was heard to complain about 'not finding the workshops' which quite clearly suggests to me, and no doubt other intellectuals, the idea of gorillas building 'A-team' style weapons of mass destruction and hunting the human race down like dogs.

As a favour to me and the rest of the human race, could you please put bromide in his tea at the earliest opportunity.

Yours, in someone elses underwear

Beatrice Perriwinkle (retired)

[Andy McGregor]

Dear Ms Periwinkle

Your recent correspondence has been received with some consternation in our department. Firstly, Pammy has been failing to Post or Wiggle. And Boomer is posting completely sensible and reasonable material that anyone could understand. For these reasons I believe that these two are IMPOSTERS!!!

TheY did mount a mission to Smurf to complete a study titled 'Wiggling in a Cold Climate with a Hot Primate'. But the pair who returned are obviously not the pair who left. They are a reasonable simulacrum inasmuch as they look like the operatives who departed by EasyWiggle Airlines on Friday last. But the are not the ones who returned.

I believe you have the two missing operatives held captive in Smurf while your two SPIES try to learn our secret wiggles. We are not fooled for a second. This may come as a surprise to you but you can KEEP the Pammy and Boomer you have - we rather like the new ones, especially the blue tongue of the New Pamster(tm) - although getting used to a Boomer that makes sense will take some time. Over the next few days we will 'turn' your agents by showing them the error of their ways (and how much warmer/drier it is down here). The New Boomer(tm) may require more persuading. We will begin with that well-known date-rape drug that works only on men - down here we call it 'beer'.

And don't give me that Beatrice Periwinkle rubbish. We have a department that tracks your every move - Mr D S Bluewinkle and your evil organisation S.M.U.R.F. (Scottish Men's Untimely Right Foot)!!! The blue smurfy marks on the notepaper you used were enough to give the game away.

I expect you'll be thinking up more evil plans to get your hands on our wiggles. You will fail everytime.

Hahahahahahaaaaaaa

Yours sincerely

Andy McGregor
Defence Against Dark Wiggles

p.s. We've had to guess the meaning of S.M.U.R.F. Well get it out of the New Boomer(tm) while he's under the influence of 'beer'

[ChrisA]

Originally posted by Andy McGregor
Defence Against Dark Wiggles

Sir,

Forgive an impertinent subordinate interrupting like this, but is it not the case that it is the Inquisitor who assumes the title of "Defence against Dark Wiggles"?

Chris, Inquisitor, getting more demented by the minute

[Andy McGregor]

Originally posted by ChrisA
Sir,

Forgive an impertinent subordinate interrupting like this, but is it not the case that it is the Inquisitor who assumes the title of "Defence against Dark Wiggles"?

Chris, Inquisitor, getting more demented by the minute

Dear Inquisitor

I regard 'Defense Against Dark Wiggles' as a pan-departmental function which may be adopted during a wiggle rationing crisis such as we are currently experiencing.

Andy

[Jon L]

Originally posted by Andy McGregor
Dear Inquisitor

I regard 'Defense Against Dark Wiggles' as a pan-departmental function which may be adopted during a wiggle rationing crisis such as we are currently experiencing.

Andy

Hmmm...... The blue tongued wiggler has disappeared eh???

[Divissima]

Intra-office memo:

To: Grand Inquisitor and Purveyor of Defence against Dark Wiggles
From: Field Operative #451 (Codename: Div/1)
Subject: Search and Retrieve operation (Codename: Highland Highjinks

FO Div/1 regrets to inform that, despite going deep undercover upover the border (viz. Smurfland), have been unable to track the whereabouts of layabouts and delinquent wigglers Pammster and Boomaster. Rumours abound of Dark Wiggles spreading across the land.

Further disturbing but asyet unconfirmed reports of gross dereliction of duty by Inquisitor ChrisAwiggle. Failing to top up Hipsters wigglometer leaves venue seriously short of satisfied ladies this evening. Calibration story merely smokescreen for untoward smurf-related activities in Darkest Surrey.

Fear infiltration of Department of Wiggle Calibration and Promulgation by darkest forces viz.

Chris, Inquisitor, getting more dementored by the minute

Request authorisation for deepundercover sting operation to entrap renegade inquisitor tomorrow night, W5.

Over and out. Live long and wiggle.

[ChrisA]

Memo: Covert Operation, Interim Report
To: Wiggling Calibration Manager
From: Inquisitor, Dept of Wiggling

Executive summary:

Wiggling coefficients observed to be generally high and increasing, facilitated by a low average wiggler density (hereinafter to be referred to as "WD", see definition to follow in full report).

Regret no evidence of renegade wigglers detected.

Further observations required for final confirmation of preliminary conclusions: recommend deep cover operation, preferably via WCS as diversion, followed by further foray into Surrey territory next week. Operative to masquerade as beginners class demonstrator. Black clothing required, serious risk to cover if any glitter in evidence. Detailed report to follow. Stop.

[ChrisA]

Originally posted by Divissima
Chris, Inquisitor, getting more dementored by the minute

FO Div/1's diligence is to be commended, but her fears regarding the suspected subversion of the department's inquisitor are groundless.

In which context we expect, o, our patron, um, to be staggered by the success of our current mission.

Chris, Inquisitor, full report to follow

[ChrisA]

Memo: Covert Operation, Full Report, Section 1
To: Wiggling Calibration Manager
From: Inquisitor, Dept of Wiggling
Location: Surrey, Bisley

Sir,

High wiggling coefficients (WC), both female (WCf) and to a lesser extent male (WCm) were in evidence, facilitated by low average wiggler densities (WDs). WD = #wigglers/floor area. Unlike our Hipsters datum, the WCm was refreshingly low, allowing our departmental emissary to blend selectively into the background with carefully chosen female wigglers, of types "low experience female wigglers" (WFLE), and the corresponding WFHE.

Both types were present, if not in high quantity, nevertheless in outstanding quality, and also, it has to be reported, of outstanding beauty.

For the purposes of this report, the WCm has been disregarded, in order, better, to focus on the most important qualities of the WCf in evidence. This operative recommends a departmental inquisitoress be sent, fully to investigate the shades of WCm present. It shouldn't take long.

To maintain our departmental records at their usual level of detail and completeness, the following female wigglers were observed to contribute outstandingly to the cumulative WC:

Christine: phwoar.

Marilene: woooooooo woooooooo yessssssssssss

Cathy: particularly fine, though retired unexpectedly sick during analysis period. Later deemed to have been too keen to dance, despite early evidence of illness. Commiserations offered

Jane: matrimonial offers under consideration

Sundry others, identities not yet established, yet to be formally recruited to the postition of inquisitor's assistant.

Sir: Leave of absence requested for period not exceeeding 18 hours, for purposes relating to recovery of inquisitor and regaining of investigational energies.

[Andy McGregor]

Dear Inquisitor

Your request for 18 hours leave is accepted. Your work in compiling your most recent report has been exemplary and it would be curlish of me to deny you time to recover your energies after your essential work in such a wiggle rich environment.

You are required to cover for me in my absence at Wiggling Central, Ealing Division as I will be on a non-wiggling mission of extreme tedium.

This evening I attended Hipsters to compare WCs. I can report that WCf exceeded WCm by a factor of 3.27. I have removed my own wiggling from the equation for the sake of research - had it been included I can report that WCm>WCf by a factor of 2.03 (p=0.05). WD was, overall, poor. Lindy Hoppers, code named Wiggle And Now Kick (hereinafter called WANK) were in evidence in high proportion and these guys kick&kick instead of wiggle - perverts

I depend on you, as Inquisitor to cover for my absence on Wednesday. This requires the wearing of glitter. A great sacrifice for you but better than dressing in all black - but then what isn't better than such a modern jive cliche?

A full report is required by 0100 27th Sept 03.

McGregster out.

[ChrisA]

Originally posted by Andy McGregor
Your request for 18 hours leave is accepted.

You are required to cover for me in my absence at Wiggling Central, Ealing Division as I will be on a non-wiggling mission of extreme tedium.

Thank you sir. Your example, is, as ever, greatly appreciated. I trust you will be proselytising any non-wigglers you encounter.

I depend on you, as Inquisitor to cover for my absence on Wednesday. This requires the wearing of glitter. A great sacrifice for you but better than dressing in all black

The wearing of glitter should be possible, subject to the transfer thereof, from suitable candidates for the post of inquisitor's assistant.

You may be assured, sir, that all efforts towards achieval of same will be undertaken.

Your obedient servant,

I. nquisitor, codename Coolster, out

[Tiggerbabe]

Originally posted by Andy McGregor
WD was, overall, poor. Lindy Hoppers, code named Wiggle And Now Kick (hereinafter called WANK) were in evidence in high proportion and these guys kick&kick instead of wiggle - perverts

Sheena - WWL (Wiggling with laughter)

[TheTramp]

Trampy - TYABDTM (Thinking you've all been drinking too much)

Steve