Scottish Jokes

[Dance Demon]

Originally Posted by Ceroc Jock

No e in Whiskey?!?!?

You never been to The Gorbels, man?? They have e in everything... or is that speed?

Haw....quality big man......

[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by Ceroc Jock

No e in Whiskey?!?!?

You never been to The Gorbels, man?? They have e in everything... or is that speed?

I'd imagine there'd be lots of e's if you got caught by the Gorbels......eeeeeek

[StevanHogg]

Aeroplane Crash

A plane was about to crash and there were 5 people on board and only 4 parachutes.

The first person said. "I am Roy Keane, one of the best footballers in Ireland. I am worth a lot of money and my fans need me so I think I should be saved." The others agreed and gave him one of the parachutes and off he went.

The second person said "I am Gerry Adams, a radical Irish politician who can really help my country and I think I should be saved." The others said "OK" and gave him a parachute.

The third person said "I am David Beckham, captain of the English National squad. I have a wife and two children. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and everyone thinks I am stupid, but I'm not, so I am taking a parachute" and off he went.

There were two folk left, the Pope and a 10 year old schoolgirl. The Pope said, "Child, I am old and frail and have lived my life while you are young with everything before you. You take the parachute and I will stay with the aircraft and take my chances." "It's OK" said the girl, "there are still two parachutes. David Beckham picked up my schoolbag."

[StevanHogg]

Scottish & English Armies

In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".

With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".

With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".

By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THE BASTARDS".

[StevanHogg]

NEWSFLASH !!

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, English scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the Scottish newspapers read:- "Scots scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the English."

One week later, the Irish press reported the following:- "After digging as deep as 5000m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones."

[Bigger Andy]

Originally Posted by StevanHogg

NEWSFLASH !!

After digging to a depth of 100m ...

I thought that this looked familiar !!!

See the joke that I posted on the 'Jokes' thread back on 8th June !!!

[StevanHogg]

A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. When the officer asks the question, "Do you have a criminal record?", the Scot replies, "Well no . . . I didn't realise you still needed one to get in!"

[Dance Demon]

Originally Posted by StevanHogg

A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. When the officer asks the question, "Do you have a criminal record?", the Scot replies, "Well no . . . I didn't realise you still needed one to get in!"

He could have said.............." yes I have Dance the Niight Away by The Mavericks..."

[Tiggerbabe]

Originally Posted by Dance Demon

He could have said.............." yes I have Dance the Niight Away by The Mavericks..."

[StevanHogg]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
£20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, t! oo, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[StevanHogg]

Scottish Soldier
A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!

[StevanHogg]

An Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

[Bigger Andy]

Originally Posted by StevanHogg

An Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

Isn't this an Essex Joke rather than a Scottish Joke ?

[psyc0diver]

Scottish weather forecasting -
if you cant see the mountains its raining, if you can see the mountains - its about to rain

[under par]

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

Isn't this an Essex Joke rather than a Scottish Joke ?

Interesting point!

If a joke is told by a Scot is it a Scottish joke?

I ask the question! ........ I do not know the answer

[Dance Demon]

A Scotsman, an Englishman, a middle aged woman, and a young woman were in a train carriage. The train goes through a tunnel, and a load slap is heard. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Englishman has a large red mark on his face.
The middle aged woman thinks......That Englishman must have tried it on with that young woman, and she slapped his face....

The young woman thinks...That Englishman must have tried it on with that middle aged woman, and she slapped his face....

the Scotsman thinks........I hope we go through another tunnel....so I can slap that Englishman again.......................

[Jive Brummie]

Originally Posted by Dance Demon

A Scotsman, an Englishman, a middle aged woman, and a young woman were in a train carriage. The train goes through a tunnel, and a load slap is heard. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Englishman has a large red mark on his face.
The middle aged woman thinks......That Englishman must have tried it on with that young woman, and she slapped his face....

The young woman thinks...That Englishman must have tried it on with that middle aged woman, and she slapped his face....

the Scotsman thinks........I hope we go through another tunnel....so I can slap that Englishman again.......................