Scottish Jokes

[StevanHogg]

Sandy And Wee Hughie

Sandy and Wee Hughie were out on the moors shooting grouse when Sandy fell to the ground. He didn't seem to breathing and when Wee Hughie raised Sandy's eye-lids his eyes rolled back in his head. In a panic, Wee Hughie took out his cell phone and called the emergency services on 999. When he got through, he gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There was a silence from Wee Hughie for a few moments and then the operator heard a shot.

Then Wee Hughie said "OK, now what?"

[under par]

What has the Scotish football team and Portugal got in common.

Absolutely nothing this summer!!!!!

[StevanHogg]

Wee Hughie's Goldfish

Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?'

'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'

The English neighbour was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'

Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your ****ing cat.'

[under par]

jock dropped a pound coin.............................................. .................................................. ............................................ he bent down to pick it up and the coin hit the back of his head!

[xSalsa_Angelx]

Originally Posted by under par

jock dropped a pound coin.............................................. .................................................. ............................................ he bent down to pick it up and the coin hit the back of his head!

[under par]

Andy Goram...

Jim Leighton....

Alan Rough ......

[StevanHogg]

OH TO BE SCOTTISH

The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - A shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland.

He drives a car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland.

At the office he recieves his mail with adhearive stamps which, although they bear the queen of England's head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland.

During the day he uses the telephone, Invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland.
At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, A Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland.

He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.
He has now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - who authourised it's translation.
No where can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots, he could take to drink but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.
If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Flemming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an aneasthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.
Out of the aneasthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank Of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland.

Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of good SCOTTISH blood

[Forte]

Originally Posted by xSalsa_Angelx

Scotsmen...mean...so he bent down so fast to pick up dropped coin that he got to the gorund before it and it hit him on the back of the head...
I know, I know ...jokes aren't funny when you have to explain them!!!
Hope this helps!!

[Dreadful Scathe]

The Story of Scotland.

In the beginning when god was creating the world,

he was sitting on a cloud, telling Arcangel Gabriel what he planned for Scotland.

" Gabby" says he "I'm going to give this place high majestic mountains, purple glens, soaring eagles, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky coloured nectar can be made, green, lush, spectacular golf courses, coal in the ground, oil under the sea,...gas".

" Hold up! Hold up!" Interjected the bold Gabriel " Are you not being too generous to these Scots ? "

Back came the Almighty's reply

" Not really, wait until you see the neighbours I'm giving them !!! ".

[Forte]

Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe

The Story of Scotland.

In the beginning when god was creating the world,

he was sitting on a cloud, telling Arcangel Gabriel what he planned for Scotland.

" Gabby" says he "I'm going to give this place high majestic mountains, purple glens, soaring eagles, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky coloured nectar can be made, green, lush, spectacular golf courses, coal in the ground, oil under the sea,...gas".

" Hold up! Hold up!" Interjected the bold Gabriel " Are you not being too generous to these Scots ? "

Back came the Almighty's reply

" Not really, wait until you see the neighbours I'm giving them !!! ".

My pal (who is married to an Englishman) has this on a pos ter in her downstairs loo!!!

[StevanHogg]

Wee Hughies Excuse

Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. " What's the story this time. Hughie ? " he asked sarcastically. " Let's hear a good excuse for a change.

" Wee Hughie sighed, " Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.

Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office. "

You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, " said his boss, disappointed. " No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

[TheTramp]

Originally Posted by StevanHogg

[b][size=5][font=Comic Sans MS]You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, " said his boss, disappointed. " No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

So true. So very true...

Trampy (last seen, running for the hills)

[StevanHogg]

SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.

You'll need the following:

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.


Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??

[StevanHogg]

Scottish/English Car Crash

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.
Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.
At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally Posted by StevanHogg

1 bottle of whiskey.

Would be so much funnier if you could spell Whisky !

[Dance Demon]

Originally Posted by StevanHogg

Scottish/English Car Crash
At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry.

SHERRY!!!!!!!!.....................what happened to the whisky ? (no e
)......

[Bigger Andy]

What a Scotsman wears under his kilt.

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of Scotch whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, so sat down with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of the snores, one lass said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us ! Let's thank him for the education !" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow. After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice t'see ye won first prize !"

[StevanHogg]

THE DAMNED EGG

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran towards the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said,
"Ye can keep the damn egg!!"



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[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe

Would be so much funnier if you could spell Whisky !

Probably an Irishman in disguise!

[CJ]

Originally Posted by Dance Demon

SHERRY!!!!!!!!.....................what happened to the whisky ? (no e
)......

No e in Whiskey?!?!?

You never been to The Gorbels, man?? They have e in everything... or is that speed?