Jokes

[TheTramp]

Originally Posted by DavidJames

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

I like this one!!

[whitetiger1518]

About to go on holiday - and I wish I could set my out of office to this:

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

It describes the state I will find my e-desktop in... I was off for 3 days a week ago and returned to 70 in my regular inbox and 150 in my workbox - and that was after a colleague had lightened the load

Whitetiger

[Blueshoes]

A man goes to his doctor and tells him he can't get his girl friend in the mood to make love. The doctor asks a few questions then gives the man a small bottle of potion and tells him to slip it into his girl friend's drink, that should do the trick.

A week later the man returns and the doctor asked how he got on with the potion.

"Fabulous" was the reply, "picture the scene, I arranged a romantic meal together, candles and flowers and everything. When she was distracted I poured the potion into her wine, moments later she drank some and the effect was instantaneous. She leant accross the table, pushing the dishes out of the way so they bounced onto the floor, food flying everywhere. She grabbed me by the tie and hauled me physically onto the table, pulled my clothes off me, buttons flying all over the place, then climbed on top of me, ripped her own clothes off and we made wonderful passionate love on the spot."

"Wonderful", said the doctor, "I'm glad it worked."

"Yes", said the man, "of course there is a down side, they'll never allow us back in that restaurant again!"

[Baruch]

Originally Posted by Blueshoes

"Yes", said the man, "of course there is a down side, they'll never allow us back in that restaurant again!"

That reminds me of this one:

A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The Reverend asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Homebase either."

[Dance Demon]

A blonde is driving her open top sports car on the M25. Her boyfriend calls her on her mobile. " Be carefull darling" he begs her " the traffic report on the radio says that there's some idiot diving clockwise on the anti clockwise carraigeway" ....."I know honey" she replies"..... but there's more than one...........there's hundreds of them!!!"

[Dizzy]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
Year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's. He gave all the
Children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to
identify them By colour and flavour.

>The children began to say:

>"Red............cherry,"

>"Yellow.........lemon,"

>"Green..........lime,"

>"Orange........orange."

>Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them
for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

>"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

>One little girl looked up in horror, spits hers out and yelled:

>"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

[Raphael]

Jewish Humour

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to

audit the books of a synagogue.



While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"


Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them

back to the candle makers and every now and then they send us a

free box of candles."



"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious

way:


What about all these matzo bread) purchases? What do you do with

the crumbs?



"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was

trying to trap him with an unanswerable question." We collect them

and send them back to the manufacturers and every now and then

they send a free box of matzo balls.



"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could

fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do

you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you

perform?


"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. What we do is

save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and

about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[philsmove]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . "

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .


The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."

[philsmove]

Why we like the British - from British newspapers

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily
Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled."He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

[andystyle]

>>>From the Genius that was Tommy Cooper



>>>1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of

>>>them would have seen it.

>>>

>>>2. Phone answering machine message - ".....If you want to buy marijuana,

>>>press the hash key..."

>>>

>>>3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

>>>The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

>>>

>>>4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't

>>>find any.

>>>

>>>5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

>>>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are

>>>too high."

>>>

>>>6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

>>>

>>>7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

>>>"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you

>>>can't, I've cut your arms off".

>>>

>>>8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

>>>

>>>9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the

>>>craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak

>>>and heat it.

>>>

>>>10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van Covered

>>>with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

>>>

>>>11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.Doc

>>>says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

>>>

>>>12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That

>>>sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."

>>>

>>>13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is crosseyed, is there

>>>anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at

>>>him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,

>>>then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him

>>>down." "What?.. Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really

>>>heavy"

>>>

>>>14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my

>>>backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

>>>

>>>15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

>>>

>>>16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

>>>

>>>17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can You give

>>>me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for

>>>it.'

>>>

>>>18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5

>>>people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my

>>>Dad, or my brother Gary, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think

>>>its Colin.

>>>

>>>19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

>>>

>>>20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,

>>>and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other

>>>one off.

>>>

>>>21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

>>>They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So

>>>that was nice."

>>>

>>>22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several

>>>places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

>>>

>>>23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small

>>>two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue

>>>workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb

>>>as digging continues into the night.

[Alice]

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty,

He said...no.

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever...and he said no.

She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he
replied with a no.


She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face,
the boy grabbed her arm and said...

You're not pretty you're beautiful.

I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever.

And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die...

* * * * * * * *************************** * * * * * * *

Remember:
A good friend will come bail you out of jail....

But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying...

"WE screwed up!"

Proud to be your Friend!

Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence, and don't skip
ahead.

I've learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we
ask for.

I've learned...that money doesn't buy class.


I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.


I've learned...that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned...that the Lord didn't do it all in one day.
What makes me think I can?


I've learned...that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned...that the less time I have to work, the more things I get done.

[Gav]

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Blueshoes]

A devout catholic lady went to church every Sunday without fail. As time went by she got married to a lovely man, who just happened to be a protestant. Desite their differences they were very happy with one minor problem in the marriage - he was impotent.

More time went by and the couple were devoted to one another. One morning they woke up and the man delightedly showed his wife that he wasn't impotent any more, and they could now consumate their marriage. Oh no, the lady said, it's Sunday and I have to get to church. They deliberated for a few minutes and reluctantly decided she should go.

As she was hurrying down the road she met the priest on his way to consecrate the mass, and explained her dilemma to him. The priest thought for a minute then said that she should go back to her husband. He explained "Because, my dear, the church of God will stand forever, but you never know about these protestant erections"

[Blueshoes]

A guy was at the supermarket checkout and from his basket he put on the conveyor belt a pizza, some frozen meals for one, six tins of beans, a small carton of milk, a tin of all day breakfast and a tray of beer.

The checkout girl looked at the assorted shopping, looked up at the guy and said "you're single, aren't you?".

He looked at her coyly and said "yes, how did you know?".

She replied "because you're an ugly f**cker"

[CentrAlex]

WHAT IS YOUR SMURF NAME?

This is quite amusing! I'm "Insane Smurf" and DD+ is Drunken Smurf

http://www.quizopolis.com/smurf_name.php

Happy Smurfing!

[philsmove]

Control panels
For Men and Women

[Donna]

Originally Posted by CentrAlex

WHAT IS YOUR SMURF NAME?

This is quite amusing! I'm "Insane Smurf" and DD+ is Drunken Smurf

http://www.quizopolis.com/smurf_name.php

Happy Smurfing!

I'm Vulgar Smurf. Pleased to meet you, you insane smurf.

[TheTramp]

Flashy smurf



Ho Hum....

[Stuart]

Apparently there is a new version of Viagara for putting in your tea.

It doesn't do much for your love life but it stops your biscuit from going soggy.

[Baruch]

Originally Posted by CentrAlex

I'm "Insane Smurf"

Pleased to meet you. I'm Bipartisan Smurf.