Jokes

[Tazmanian Devil]

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the s*** out of me. So today I finally decided im never reading again

2 whales turned over a ship with their blow holes, can we eat the crew said one? No said the other, I dan't mind doing the blow job but I wont swallow the seamen!!

Ok I will stop now

[Tazmanian Devil]

Originally posted by Sal
A man stays out in the sun too long and suffers 2nd degree burns. He was rushed to hospital and seen by a doctor who prescribed saline drip to replenish his fluids, cooling ointment for the burns, and viagra.

Puzzled, the nurse asked the doctor why a burns patient needed viagra.

"To keep the sheets off his legs for a couple of hours!"

Excellent i like that one!

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by TheTramp
Hmmmm.... I think it's about time someone started a thread for everyone to put their favourite jokes. I'll get the ball rolling with a topical one...

Three men all pass away on Christmas Eve. They pass up to heaven, and are met at the pearly gates by St.Peter.

St. Peter says to them, 'Since it's Christmas, you can only enter, if you can show me something in the Christmas spirit'.

The first guy digs deep in his pockets, pull out a lighter and sparks up a flame.

St. Peter looks at him quizzically.

'Candles' says the man, and gets let in.

The first guy digs deeper in his pockets, pull out a set of keys and jingles them.

St. Peter looks at him quizzically.

'Bells' says the man, and gets let in.

The third man digs even deeper in his pockets, a worried look upon his face. Finally, with a relieved smile, he pulls out a pair of skimpy red knickers.

St. Peter looks at him with an absolute look of disbelief on his face....

And the man says....










They're Carols!!!



Steve

[Martin]

Hey Tramp, great idea for a jokes thread

Here are some one liners I got recently...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.


If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why
are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they
get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


Marty

[Chris]

Originally posted by Martin

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they
get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Or as the disgruntled customer said when returning shampoo to the vegetarian shop:

"I used this shampoo on my rabbit and all its hair fell out! If you'd tested your products on animals like everyone else that would never have happened!"

[Dance Demon]

Three couples who were returning from holiday, are killed in an air crash. They go up to heaven, and are met at the pearly gates by St Peter. St Peter says to the first guy " you've got a lot of nerve trying to get in here". "Why" replied the man. "Well you've been a heavy gambler all your life, spent all your time in the bookies, and squandered all your money. You even married a woman called Bet. You can't come in."
He says to the second man, " you're just as bad". "How!" replies the second man. "Because all your life you have been a heavy drinker, spent all your free time and money in the pub, and your wife is even called Sherry. You can't come in."
At that, the third guy turns to his wife and says.............................

Come on Fanny, We've got no chance of getting in here!!!!!!!

[Chris]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly
swatter.


"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Bardsey]

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."


Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? The woman who ate the last donut.

[DavidB]

Simon: "I just got the new David Blaine doll"
Patrick: "Really what is it like?"
Simon: "It's very lifelike, but kind of annoying"
Patrick: "Why is that?"
Simon: "Can't get it out of the ruddy box!"

[filthycute]

Nelson Mandela is in his house one day and the doorbell goes. He answers the door to be met by a chinese guy with a truck full of brake pads.

"You sign, you sign" he said.

Sorry mate said Nelson, you got got the wrong address.

Next day his doorbell goes again.
He finds the same chinese guy with a truck full of car exhausts.

"You sign, you sign!"

Sorry mate, you got wrong address said Nelson, and sent him packing.

Next day the doorbell goes.....The same chinese man with 2 trucks full of car parts.

"You sign, you sign!!!"

Listen mate, said Nelson, you've been here twice and i've told you already....you've got the wrong address!!

Puzzled, the chinese man looks at his forms......

"You no Nissan main dealer????"





OK i know your not supposed to laugh at your own jokes, but this one is obviously too clever to be mine .....so i'm gonna laugh my ass off!!!


filthycute x x

[Chris]

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?", and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud... don't you ever stop bitching?"

[Dance Demon]

On page 19 of this thread....posted by Chicklet......still funny second time round though

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally posted by filthycute


"You no Nissan main dealer????"

Quite one of the worst jokes ive heard in a long time


worst in a groany funny sort of way anyway

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by filthycute


OK i know your not supposed to laugh at your own jokes, but this one is obviously too clever to be mine .....so i'm gonna laugh my ass off!!!


filthycute x x [/b]

Well it certainly made me giggle first thing today.... and that's a feat in itself. I'm at my desk, but not usually awake yet.

[Bardsey]

Here's one for the men!!! Sorry girls!!

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needin'. After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, and rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, and two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, and two dreamy eyes, just to
make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole ******* thing.

[Boomer]

Originally posted by Bardsey
Here's one for the men!!! Sorry girls!!

Just to keep things fair.

On the Second day God says to Adam, "I have some good news... and some bad news." Adam responds, "Well tell me the good news first"
"Alright my son, the good news is I will give you both a brain and a penis... the bad news is I'm only going to give you enough blood to run one at a time"

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by Boomer
Just to keep things fair.

the bad news is I'm only going to give you enough blood to run one at a time"

Thank you for evening thing up !!! Good one!

[Forte]

This is a great thread. I love jokes but I can never tell them. Ever. Still , a joke is only as good as its audience ...and I am a great audience. Keep making me laugh. Keep 'em coming!

[Lory]

A woman is standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror,
"I look horrible," she moans to her husband, "I'm fat, I'm ugly, my boobs are sagging, my backside is huge, I feel awful."
Her husband looks over, "don't be so hard on your self darling he says," trying to cheer her u, "at least your eye sight is still spot on!"

[Dance Demon]

Two old war veterans are sitting on a park bench. One turns to the other and says"Bob,....you know that stuff they used to put in our tea, when we were in the army during the war, to curb our sex drive". His mate replies" oh! you mean bromide?...yeah what about it?"................." well I think it's starting to work now.......