Jokes

[TheTramp]

Originally Posted by WittyBird

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Not yet. But I suppose that there's still time...

Originally Posted by WittyBird

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Yes. And to the sky above. Though I suppose any ET's might argue that point.

[Warwick]

Originally Posted by WittyBird

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

Anglo French from the 14th Century has brocour as a middleman/winedealer.
Older Spanish has alboroque which is a gift or drink concluding a transaction.
Arabic has Arabic al-barka, the blessing or divine blessing.

[CentrAlex]

Originally Posted by WittyBird

Five minutes out of your day to lighten the mood, we all need that from time to time....!

Peter Kay's Universal Truths:

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Some great questions, brought to you by Peter Kay:


1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

OMFG how hillarious...love it

[TheTramp]

Originally Posted by CentrAlex

OMFG how hillarious...love it

Did you really need to quote the entire 2 screens, just to write 5 words at the end of it though?

[CentrAlex]

Originally Posted by TheTramp

Did you really need to quote the entire 2 screens, just to write 5 words at the end of it though?

how would you know what I was talking about though

[TheTramp]

Originally Posted by CentrAlex

how would you know what I was talking about though

Quote the first line & delete the rest? It was only 3 posts before. I don't think many people would have been in the dark over which post you were commending.

[Gentabout]

MIGHT BE OVER THE LINE, AND MAYBE EEVN POSTED BEFORE.


At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question" noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back tot he cadle makers, and every now and then they will send us a free box of candles."

"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah yes," realising the inspector was trying to trap him with an unaswerable question, "We collect them and send them back to the to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi" he went on, "What do you do with all the left over foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them back to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr*ck!!"

[David Bailey]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the driver says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Taxi driver: "Frank Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Robinson every single time."

Passenger: "Well, there are always a few clouds over everybody."

Taxi driver: "Not Frank Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won Wimbledon at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was truly an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Taxi driver: "There's more! He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday; never, ever forgot. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and even which fork to eat them with. He could repair absolutely anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Robinson, he could do anything and everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Taxi driver: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Taxi driver: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too, he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Robinson."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Taxi driver: "Well, I never did actually met Frank....."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Taxi driver: "I married his bloody widow."

[CentrAlex]

Originally Posted by TheTramp

Quote the first line & delete the rest? It was only 3 posts before. I don't think many people would have been in the dark over which post you were commending.

Apologies...still not a fully fledged forumite...promise I won't do it again

[TheTramp]

Originally Posted by CentrAlex

Apologies...still not a fully fledged forumite...promise I won't do it again

There's a good boy!

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by TheTramp

There's a good boy!

He can be a bad boy too... When he wants to be

[Stuart]

A RAF Hercules was delayed for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base in Greenland because its sewerage container had not been pumped out.

Eventually, the duty rigger ambled up to the aircraft with the containment trolley and pump, fiddles around for a while and then gets ready to leave.

The Flight Lieutenant pilot, bristling with rage, confronted the airman and stated "You have caused me to be two hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well".

The airman smiled and replied "Sir, with all due respect, I've got no stripes, I'm stationed in Greenland, its twenty degrees below zero and I'm pumping **** from an aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind?".

[WittyBird]

ENGLISH OF TOMORROW EU ANNOUNCEMENT

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the s ekond ye "ph" will be
replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[Gentabout]

This man turns up for work, walks through the door when he sees his mate John hanging from the ceiling.
"What the heck are you doing up there John? Come down here you idiot before you hurt your self!"
"No its all a plan",says John,"When the boss walks in with the visitors, im going to tell him im a light bulb, he'll think i'm crazy and send me home,just you wait and see".
"Dont be stupid that will never wash with the boss, come down !" says his mate.
Just then the boss walks into the room and sees John hanging from the celing, "John what the hell are you doing hanging from the celing? Get down here right now!!"
"Can't " says John "Im a light bulb "
"Holy Sh*t ,you've gone stark raving mad, get down here and you can have the rest of the day off" says the boss
John agrees to come down, slips out the door and goes home with a smirk on his face.
Just then Johns friend picks up his coat and proceeds to the door after John.
"Where the **** do you think you're going?" inquires the boss.

"Well i cant work in the dark!"..says the friend

[Stuart]

A man goes into a pub with a steering wheel attached to his groin.

The barman says to him "Did you know that you have a steering wheel attached to your groin?"

"Yes" replied the man "Its driving me nuts!"

[Tazmanian Devil]

Six reasons why you should think before you speak

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Blueshoes]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him;
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid..... a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........
Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

[David Bailey]

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, they're thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, they're too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, they're only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, they're being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, they're being original.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, they're on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, they must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because they're overworked.

[Blueshoes]

A Scotsman was arrested today for walking through Glasgow city centre with nothing on except a wellington strategically placed to spare his blushes. He was later released without charge, a police spokesman said "he were just focking aboot".