Jokes

[Sheepman]

Bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles, one is already occupied. So he enters the other one, closes the door, drops 'em and sits down. A voice then comes from the cubicle next to him and says, "G'day mate, how are you going?"

Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the guy replies, "Yeah, not too bad thanks". After a short pause, he hears the voice again, "So, what are you up to mate?" Again answering reluctantly, but unsure what to say, replies, "Erm, just having a quick poo . How about yourself?"

He then hears the voice for the 3rd time..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some dickhead next to me answering all my questions"

Greg

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by Sheepman


He then hears the voice for the 3rd time..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some dickhead next to me answering all my questions"

Greg

[Forte]

Loving them! Last few were laugh out loud material!!!

[psyc0diver]

In the beginning was the Plan
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form, and the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was on the face of the Workers.
And the workers spoke amongst themselves, saying, one unto another, "This is a crock of ****, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a pail of excrement, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers , saying,"It is a container of dung, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto the Senior Managers , saying, "It is a vessel of fertiliser and none may abide its strength."
And the Senior Management spoke amongst themselves, saying one unto each other, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Senior Managers went to the Directors, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Directors went unto the Chief Executive, saying, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with powerful effects."
And the Chief Executive looked upon The Plan and saw that it was good.
And so The Plan became Policy.........

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by psyc0diver
In the beginning was the Plan

And the Chief Executive looked upon The Plan and saw that it was good.
And so The Plan became Policy.........

No change there then! Same the whole world over !

[TheTramp]

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Steve

[Chris]

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and
depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?", and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud... don't you ever stop bitching?"

[TheTramp]

Ummm....

Chris.

You posted that joke a week ago....

Steve

[Dance Demon]

Originally posted by TheTramp
Ummm....

Chris.

You posted that joke a week ago....

Steve

Yep...and Chicklet posted it the week before that

[Chris]

Originally posted by TheTramp
Ummm....

Chris.

You posted that joke a week ago....

Steve

ooops! so I did


Reminds me of the three benefits of Alzheimers ;
1) You meet new people every day
2) You don't get bored
3) and you meet new people every day
Did I get that right?

[Bardsey]

These were sent to me by my brother.... he's always sending me "blond" jokes..... can't think why!

AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[Bardsey]

Okay, I promise to stop now....

INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace.

It reads: "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish all the things you've started."
I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

So, today I have finished:-
One bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of gin, my
Prozac, a large box of chocolates and a quart of beer.

You have no idea how good I feel.
You may passh thish on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

Have a marbulush day.

[Aleks]

If you ever have a difficult situation to manage, you might consider the approach offered by this obviously well trained Customer Service Officer.
Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and It HAS to be FIRST CLASS. The attendant replied,
"I'm sorry sir. I'll be Happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm Sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,
"F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[psyc0diver]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him
about
where he got it. He told them to bugger off and let him get some sleep,
but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of

trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled
around him tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the vampire bat, "Because I f.... well didn't"

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by psyc0diver
around him tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the vampire bat, "Because I f.... well didn't"

Oh that really made me laugh. Nice one!!!

[Claire]

Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his.

He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it. Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.

The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said,"I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle slicer.?"

“I think she got fired too.”

[filthycute]

A man gets on a plane and sits down next a beautiful woman. He has some light conversation with her before she politely asks if she can continue to read her magazine.

"Sure thing" replies the man...."reading anything interesting?"

"Very interesting in fact" says the woman. "I'm reading an article on mens penis's. Apparently Apache Indians have the longest, and the Polish have the thickest. By the way, my name is Laura Smith"

"Nice to meet you" said the man..."I'm Tonto Kowalski"

filthycute x x

[Chris]

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked
the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little
squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this
a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it
a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek,
and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss
too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks
later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and
proceeds to have sex with her, and says,
"In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass
sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

[psyc0diver]

At the height of the arms race, the Americans and
Russians realized that, if they continued, they
would someday end up destroying the world. So they
sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute
with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would
take five years to develop the best fighting dog
they could. The dog that won the fight would earn
its country the right to rule the world. The
losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans
and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them
together and then crossed their offspring with the
meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the
biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed
all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of
the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their
quest for the perfect killing machine, until,
after the five years were up, they had a dog that
needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the
trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the
Americans showed up with a strange animal: It was
a nine-foot-long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans. No one else
thought this weird animal stood a chance against
the growling beast in the Russian camp. The
bookies predicted the Russians would win in less
than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled
toward the center of the ring. The Russian dog
leapt from his cage and charged the giant
wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the
American dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and
swallowed the Russian beast in one bite. There was
nothing left but a small bit of fur from the
killer dog's tail.

The Russians approached the Americans, shaking
their heads in disbelief.

"We do not understand. Our top scientists and
breeders worked for five years with the meanest,
biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed
a killing machine, but it didnt last 30 seconds."

"Really?" the Americans replied. "We had our top
plastic surgeons working for five years to turn an
alligator into a Dachshund!"

[Dance Demon]

a guy was driving down a country road, when he saw a woman on all fours in a field, eating grass. He stopped and went up to the woman and asked her what she was doing. "I'm a Kosovan refugee" replied the woman. " I have no money, nowhere to live, and no food". Come home with me said the man, and I'll give you a good feed.
Further down the road he spotted a man on all fours, also eating grass. " Stop!! stop!! cried the woman.. that is my husband, he also has no food. OK said the man, bring him along too and he can also have a good feed.
Further still down the road, he spots four children also eating grass."Stop!! Stop!! cries the woman...they are my babies. At this, the driver turns to the woman and says....now just a minute lady.....how big a lawn do you think I have.........