Jokes

[the whale]

A man is lying in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

"Nurse", he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says "there is nothing wrong with them Sir".

The man takes off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was wonderful, but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

[the whale]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

[the whale]

Wife: "Don't forget it's my birthday next week".

Husband: "I haven't, ....have you got anything in mind?"

Wife: "I'd love something silver that goes from 0 to 120 in about 4 seconds"





So he bought her a set of bathroom scales.

[Seahorse]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I
drink I feel shamed,then I look into the glass and
think about the workers in the winery and all
of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this
wine, they might be out off work and their dreams
would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It
is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams
come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Jack Handy

[onkar]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.



One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Plymouth and I worked both sides of the harbour".



Onkar

[Trousers]

Q: What does DNA stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association

Did you here about the man who's an Agnostic, Dyslexic Insomniac?
He lies in bed all night wondering if there's a dog.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippers who sold their souls to Santa.

Dyslexics of the World Ignite.

[WittyBird]

The International Council of Manhood

Rules of Being a Man

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

20: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

?GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, "Roll over, fatty, you're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood

[Gentabout]

Pet Diaries, comparison

PETS DIARIES:


Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



The Cat's Diary:

Day 2983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today, I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities and my disdain for other life forms. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

[ducasi]

Apparently, these are actual 'metaphors' from GCSE Essays - definitely
some troubled kids out there......

================================================== ============

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.


The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.


McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.


Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.


Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre


He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.


The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.


Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.


The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.


The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.


Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.


The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.


The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.


The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.


Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.


He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.


Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."


She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.


It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.


The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.


The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.


The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.


It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.


He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.


She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.


She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.


She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.


Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.


It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[the whale]

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our feckin' car."

[Gav]

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street.
The first one says "I've never come this way before";
the second one replies "Must be the cobbles".

[Double Trouble]

Originally Posted by the whale

Nun joke thats older than the hills

Originally Posted by Gav

another nun joke thats older than the hills...With fancy writing

Taxi for Gav and The Whale please.

[Gav]

Originally Posted by Double Trouble

Taxi for Gav and The Whale please.

Speaking of taxis...

One day a nun got into a cab.
The cab driver, noticing she was a nun, and asked her if she would ever have sex. After she had thought about it for a while she said "Well, yeah I would have sex with a man if he had never been married, did not have any kids and went to church every Sunday."
So the cab driver said "What do you know, I don't have any kids, never been married and I go to church every Sunday!" So he asked her if she would have sex with him and she agreed as long as he would take her from behind.
So they had sex and afterwards the cab driver said "Ha ha, I have six kids, I've been married three times and I've never been to church a day in my life!!"

And the nun pulled off her headdress and said "Ha ha, I'm a man going to a costume party!"

[Double Trouble]

Originally Posted by Gav

I have six kids, I've been married three times and I've never been to church a day in my life!!"

Sounds like someone I know.

[Double Trouble]

A son asks his dad the difference between "theorectically" and
realistically".

Dad says "Thats hard but I have an idea. Ask Mum if she would sleep with the milkman for a million quid". Mum says yes.

"Now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the coalman for two million quid". Sister says yes.

"Well there you go son, thats your answer theorectically we're sitting on 3 million quid, but realistically we're living with 2 slags"

[the whale]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaysuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doc.

"No, from the feckin skippin'"

[the whale]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[Blueshoes]

A man is on a business trip to Portugal and is meeting some important clients there. The first day was full of high powered meetings and that evening the clients take him out to a strip club. One thing led to another and at the end of the evening he found himself with a lovely Portuguese girl in his hotel room. As soon as they start having sex she starts shouting "furo errado" very excitedly, over and over again. When they finished he was pleased she was so vocal and stored the phrase in his memory so he could impress his clients with his knowledge of Portuguese.

The next day the meetings continue on the golf course. At the first green he sinks a long put and starts jumping up and down shouting "furo errado" excitedly. His companions look confused and one takes him to one side and says "calm down my friend, this is not the wrong hole".

[onkar]

This one is for the long suffering Trouble, and her flatulent DTS.

Don't Fart in Bed


Is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because

it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She
told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow
his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had
put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts

and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep
and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into
his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound
of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she
had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey,
you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't
listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."



Onkar

[the whale]

Two Glasgow young men, Archie and Jock, are sitting
in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going like magic," says Jock. "I've
got everything organized already - the flowers, the
church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the
minister, even ma stag night...."

Archie nods approvingly. "Man, I've even bought a
kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look
pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white."