Jokes

[senorita]

Subject: GORDON AND THE DONKEY

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer
drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on
my
truck, but unfortunately he's dead.

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already.
Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?" Gordon answered,

"I'm
going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead

donkey!"

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can,
you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a
piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had
stolen
their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey

being
dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him
his
£2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is

double
the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and

no
matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British
voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of

them,
unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair
and
do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his
miserable,
lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a
dead donkey.

[Stuart]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

[Stuart]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock!!

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

[Beowulf]

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy: (apparently!)

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

[philsmove]

GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!
Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go!Go! Go! Jesus Christ GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[the whale]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a pub and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

[Double Trouble]

Originally Posted by the whale

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a pub and a golf course.

I can only do 2 out of those 6 requests. Will that do?

[TheTramp]

Originally Posted by Double Trouble

I can only do 2 out of those 6 requests. Will that do?

You're deaf and mute?

[Double Trouble]

Originally Posted by TheTramp

You're deaf and mute?

You are so predictable Trampy.


I'll set em up...

[TheTramp]

Originally Posted by Double Trouble

I'll set em up...

Yes. I remember you doing that at Southport too!

[stewart38]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect Us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.



1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as fishing, the diamond formation or cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Princess Fi]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation
ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

[Icey]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls
and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

[Stuart]

Why did the Turkey cross the road?

To prove that he wasn't a chicken

[the whale]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch
any
of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he
had
promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one
labelled
ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon
his
bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things
like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this
unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it
is
tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push
the
ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the
ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your
pillow."

[the whale]

"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly.

"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"

"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said: "Well, no."

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.

"And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?"

"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied: "Because you're in f***ing Homebase"

[Trousers]

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin
was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the
large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are
you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied,
"I'm a gynaecologist"...

[Baruch]

The Gurnos Estate Olympic Bid

The people of the Gurnos Estate, Merthyr Tydfil, have made a late application to host the 2008 Olympiad. However, there has been a request that some of the events and traditions are modified in order to give the locals a greater chance of winning medals. The International Olympic Committee is therefore being asked to consider establishing the Olympic Village in the New Gurnos. Showers will be in full working order as soon as the copper piping is brought back, but arrangements have been made to use Cyfarthfa Lake if necessary.

The use of drugs will be closely monitored. A spokesperson said that drugs will be available only from the Gurnos Club. Asked about urine samples, the spokesperson said that no-one takes the p!ss out of the local lads and offered the researcher outside.

The Olympic Flame will also be slightly different. The lighting ceremony will go ahead in the time-honoured tradition of torching a VW Golf GTI.

Proposals have been put forward concerning the following events:

1. The 100 metre sprint
Athletes must complete the course in Oak Road with a DVD player under one arm and a microwave under the other.

2. Fencing
The protective mesh will be removed and replaced with a black ski mask, according to local custom. Athletes will then be asked to dispose of a selection of antiques, electrical goods, watches, mountain bikes and car radios in the shortest possible time.

3. Boxing
This event will be restricted to husband-and-wife teams and the finals will be held in the Club on a Saturday night. The husband must down at least 12 pints before encountering his wife, where she will announce one of the following:
a. There’s nothing for your tea.
b. The telly’s been reposessed.
c. Our Tracy’s up the stick.
d. I’m up the stick.
e. The woman up the road is up the stick and she says it’s yours.

4. Triple jump
This will revert to its old name of hop, skip and jump, and will be sponsored by HM Prison Service. Medals will be awarded to competitiors who find the most ingenious way of jumping bail.

5. Tug of war
Chains will be fixed to one of the concrete bollards at the Gurnos shops and the winning team will be the one that can haul it out the quickest.

6. Equestrian event
Horses, ponies, donkeys and assorted nags can be collected from Galon Uchaf fields and medals will be awarded for tethering them in the most unusual places.

7. Shot put
House bricks will be thrown from various distances at suitable plate-glass windows, especially the chemist, the newsagent or any vehicles in the hospital car park.

8. Walking
Athletes must be accompanies by a pit bull terrier, Dobermann, Alsatian or whippet. Ferrets and pushchairs do not count.

9. Cycling
The Committee members are unanimous in their ruling that tandems are for poofs, but most bicycles will accommodate two as long as they have no brakes or lights and are ridden on public footpaths. They must be mountain bikes and they must have spent at least a week in the River Taf.

The Committee is confident that sufficient funds can be found to stage this major international event and looks forward to the true spirit of the Games flourishing in this little part of Wales. The I.O.C. is urged to consider this application in the light of that tried and tested local saying:

“It’s not the taking part that counts, it’s the taking apart!”

[the whale]

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing
seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a Flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only
use it once a year.

All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as
long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I
don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and
suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say "123" for?"

Moral - Women, can't live with 'em, cant shoot 'em!

[Double Trouble]

I had a car accident this morning. I hit some bloke up the @rse. He got out of his car...he was a dwarf, he said "I'm not happy...!"

I said "Which one are you then?"