Jokes

[Beowulf]

I suppose these classify as jokes.. unless there's a hitherto unnoticed "Moderately amusing doctor who pictures thread?"

[Beowulf]

next set...

[Beowulf]

Last ones (I promise)

[Beowulf]

How to determine if you are an engineer: ...

1. The only jokes you receive are through email (OUCH)
2. At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
3. Buying flowers for your girlfriend/boyfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
4. If you find that you have to often explain how to use the gifts you have given other people.
5. Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
6. In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure
7. The Salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
8. You are always late to meetings
9. You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
10. You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.
11. You bought your wife/husband a new CD ROM drive for her birthday
12. You forget to get a haircut (for 6 months!)
13. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
14. You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting
15. You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines
16. You comment to your wife/husband that her straight hair is nice and parallel
17. You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
18. You have Dilbert comics/paraphernalia displayed anywhere in your work area
19. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
20. You have more friends on the internet than in real life
21. You have backed up your hard drive
22. You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
23. You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
24. You know what http:// stands for
25. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
26. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
27. You see a good design and still have to change it
28. You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring
29. You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it
30. You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory
31. You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
32. You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
33. You window shop at Radio Shack
34. You're in the backseat of your car, she/he is looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
35. Your checkbook always balances
36. Your laptop computer costs more than your car
37. Your wife/husband hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work
38. Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz pentium
39. You've already calculated how much you make per second
40. You've ever tried to repair a £5 radio
41. Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.Chocolate

(btw.. it states on my business card.. Pete Little Software Engineer and I said yes to Waaaaay too many of these!!)

[Gojive]

Mark is strolling through the desert, lost and dehydrating. He hears a faint voice..."Mark Mark"

He gleefully turns towards the voice, picking up the pace. "Mark Mark" comes the words, getting ever stronger.

He runs toward the source, gasping for water, but knowing civilisation is close, he sweats buckets in his efforts.

"MARK MARK!" The voice gets louder, and with every last drop of moisture oozing from his body, he climbs the last sand dune and peers over the top....

...to find a dog with a hair lip.

Sorry

[Dan]

A Good old Irish Story ....

An Irish woman came home early and found her husband in their
bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was, understandably, upset.


You're a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me
a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce straight away!


And Paddy (for it was he) replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at
least I can tell you what happened.


Fine, go ahead, she sobbed, but they'll be the last words you'll say
to me !

So Paddy began:

Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady
here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless
that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was
very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she
was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.


I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at
the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair
like them..."


Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued:


She was so grateful for my understanding and help and, as I walked
her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said


Please......... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't
use

[Tinkerbell]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me
to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:
I do not have a headache.
I do not have a headache.
I do not have a headache.

It worked! The headaches are all gone!"

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of
fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes grabs his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and
jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,

she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:


"She's not my wife."
"She's not my wife."
"She's not my wife!"


~~His funeral service will be held on Monday.~~

[Baruch]

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed
away,Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her Grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and Slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

[McJester]

Cluedo

Cluedo.jpg

[Twirly]

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41. The manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The blonde replies..."Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Hooray! A smart blonde joke at last!!

[Double Trouble]

Bloke walks passed a pub and see's a sign -

Pork Pies £1.00
Wank 10p

He walks in to the pub and see's a beautiful young blonde girl with big boob's behind the bar.

"Are you the girl giving wanks for 10p?"

"Yes"

"Can you wash your fekkin' hands then, I want a pork pie"

[Beowulf]

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing president Bush: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[Beowulf]

One for the vegetarians among us..

[Swinging bee]

50 yrs ago 20 men chasing a coloured man would have been the Klu klux Clan. Now it's called Formula one!.......( I am pleased to say )

[Stuart]

Blonde Cook's Diary

It's fun to cook. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

I wanted to make a fruit salad. The recipe said serve without dressing, so I didn't dress. What a surprise when my husband brought a friend home for supper.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today I fancied a salad again and I tried a new recipe. It said prepare the ingredients and lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. My husband asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for biscuits. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I had left.

My husband did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday, but I couldn't find any clothes to fit it. For some reason he keeps counting to ten.

His parents came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of inspiration. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to arrive so I can try out a new recipe on my husband. If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a
chocolate moose.

[Icey]

Letter of the day:

[Icey]

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put then in Engineering .

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government .

[stewart38]

A lady picking through frozen turkeys can't find one big enough
for her family, she says to the stockboy 'do these get any bigger?'
bemused he replies 'no they're dead'

[stewart38]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and, the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!


For gender balance

----------

A women in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and, the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!

[Swinging bee]