Jokes

[Cruella]

For Zebra Woman-

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm a zebra, what are you?"

"I'm a cow" said the cow.

"Right, and what do you do?" asked the zebra.

"I make milk for the farmer" said the cow.

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"

"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.

"Oh, right, what do you do?" asked the zebra.

"I make eggs for the farmer." said the chicken.

"Right - o, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pyjamas darling, and I'll show you."

[Stuart]

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says "I vish to buy sex vith
you".

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £100 an hour".

"Ist gut, but I must varn you. I'm a little kinky".

"No problem" she replies cautiously. "I can do a little kinky".

So off they go to the girls flat where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs".

The girls finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to
her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hands und knees".

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as i make love to you".

She finds this very odd, but figures "It's harmless and the guy is
paying".

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic
German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced and it is
several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing. What do you call that?"
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"Ah" says the German, "Four sprung duck technique".

[stewart38]

Don’t ever try and bomb Glasgow again!!

If this had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow

Eyewitness accounts.

America:"Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, i just ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to me"

Glasgow "C*nt wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him"

America:" I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow:" here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"

America:" there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what was happening thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow:"F*ck this fir a kerry oan, moan we ll get a pint in"

America:" We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life"

Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws"

America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought I was gonna die"

Glasgow:" There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that"

America:" I'm too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"

& finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........john smeaton (these are real)


ohn just surpassed himself on the National ITV news. The interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied "This is Glasgow we'll just set about you"

John done an interview on cnn and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "me and other folk were just tryin 2 get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him" !

[Dance Demon]

Glasgow has had it's fair share of immigration problems over the years.....First it was the Asians, then the Eastern Europeans, ................Now it's the flamin' Cherokees............

[David Bailey]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you! had arthritis?"

Th drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Swinging bee]

>
>One for the ladies
>One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt.
>Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What
>setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What
>does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ' And
>they say blondes are dumb...
>----------------------------------------------------------- A couple is
>lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in
>the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
>----------------------------------------------------------- 'It's just too
>hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
>'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn
>like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied..
>----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you
>call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor
>----------------------------------------------------------- A man and his
>wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
>On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they
>had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished
>for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had
>airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion
>30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love
>that fairy! -----------------------------------------------------------
>Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
>Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat
>him to death. AMEN
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>- Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men.
>----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you
>call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy.
>----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does it
>mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A:
>You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
>----------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do men
>whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember
>which end they need to wipe.
>----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you
>keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder
>'Instruction Manuals'
>----------------------------------------------------------- Send this to at
>least five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And send this
>to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!
>
>
>
>

[Cruella]

Pregnancy , Oestrogen and Women

Pregnancy Q &A &more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour , but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

" O ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE " OESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 0800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand :

1. OTHER WOMEN

[Mezzosoprano]

Heard this this morning on the radio... so apologies if you've heard it already.


A Scotsman was lying on his deathbed....gasping for breath he asked if his wife was there....

"yes dear, I'm here" she replied....

"are the children here?" he asked....

"yes Dad, we're here!" they said....

"Are the rest of the family all here?" he gasped out....

"yes, we're all here with you" they replied....

"Well", he said, "Why's the light still on in the kitchen then!"

Sorry folks... but if I can't laugh at my own, who can I laugh at!!

[Baruch]

Apparently, 23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a central Dublin train station.

Police suspect that Irish Muslim extremists have detonated what is believed to be the world's first No More Nails bomb.

[Stuart]

A 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis. He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar.

The nurse asks why no sample?

He said "Sorry. I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, then my wife tried with both hands, then she tried with her mouth with her teeth in, then with them out, then we asked ethel in from next door to try! But it was no good we just couldn't take the bl---y lid off"

[senorita]

Sweets get better & better

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey, it was After Eight.


She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend.


On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and

she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo - I'm the one with

the hole", she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then

he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom.



Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't

long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the

contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.



But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly

Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was

pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.


When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She

wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out. However, he noticed

her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. So he did a Twirl and

had a Picnic in her Sherbert. At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper.


Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife,Caramel.

Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms

Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams.



She had been with All Sorts

[Swinging bee]

Old man was on his death bed, life was slowly slipping away, his will to live was fast waning.....
From the kitchen came the smell of cooking, he sniffed and he realised that his loving wife of 60 yrs was cooking his very favourite cakes, this invigorated him to the point where he pulled himself up from the bed, crawled slowly into the kitchen , he got to the table put his hand up and took hold of one of the still warm delicious cakes....suddenly he was whacked on the hand by his wife ...She said " hands off, these are for your funeral"

[Stuart]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
"Chicken Surprise"

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid
slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before
it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.

Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter,






"I bring you Peeking Duck!"

[Beowulf]

Q: What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

A: Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[Stuart]

A guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a
documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every
single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He
winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a
well earned beer.

He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his
project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher
Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no
see Butcher Dance?"

"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what
you mean?"

"No, no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than
corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?" "Mate, Butcher Dance
right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest
darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances.
Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive
197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for
126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever
see. Here you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You strike
out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You
follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows
out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here
though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through
mountains. Pass very difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to
get through rocky pass. When through, head north-west for 4 days 'til
reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. >From rock,
walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher
Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a
couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking
state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't
reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high
and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious
dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions
he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it
for another two until they reach the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his
spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds
the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing
his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as
their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky
equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking
effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running
low and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves
and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they
virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and and
give them fresh water and they begin to feel like new men. Once he's
recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him
that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too
late.

You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not 'til next
year." "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra
dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold
more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher
Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no
other option but to head back to civilisation and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to
miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite
willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in
order to ensure he is present to witness it.


However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year
have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few
miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through
the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the
creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through
the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages
for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the
mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale
the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of
the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their
journey to the rock and then the village enormously. Eventually, having
lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into
the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"


The chief recognises him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance
performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon
setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on
celluloid As dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in
white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and
animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives
form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over
performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate
swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins
to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and
he whispers to the chief "What's he doing?"

"Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred
of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits
of the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through
our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to
watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he
removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of
drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the
stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This
is it. He now realises beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in
vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and
movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming
voice, starts to sing: "You butch yer left leg in. You butch yer left
leg out, in, out, in, out, you shake it all about"

[Stuart]

There was a lighthouse keeper who lived in the tallest lighthouse in the world, it had the most beautiful views of the seashore and out to sea. And he loved it the only problem was that the telephone point was at the bottom of the stairs and he lived at the top and walk down to the phone was a complete bore, he either missed the call ‘cos it took to long to walk down or it was just a sales call.

His bosses would not pay for the phone to be moved as it was far too expensive.

He decided that he was going to do something about this, he thought and he thought and he thought, and he came up with an idea of training a dog to talk and then to answer the phone for him.

So on his next shore leave he went down to the pet shop and he asked the owner could he buy the most intelligent dog in the shop, the pet shop owner asked why and the lighthouse keeper told him why.

“I have just the dog for you” said the owner “he’ll learn to speak for you without too much bother, you might have to persevere a little though”

So the lighthouse keeper sets about teaching his new pet to speak and he makes good progress and the little by little the dog learns to talk, just like the pet shop owner said he would. After three months the dog can hold a conversation and after four months he’s ready to answer the phone.

The next task of teaching the dog the discipline of answering the phone and not just running around the room shouting at the TV when he doesn’t like something. Teaching the dog to answer the phone takes a little longer than expected but six months after buying the dog the lighthouse keeper feels ready to let the dog earn his keep by answering the phone for him.

So on the first night the lighthouse keeper cooks his favourite meal and settles down to watch an evening of undisturbed watching his TV and reading his book, he has food, a six pack of beer, some cigars and his feet up all relaxed. His new pet his laying next to him, and the world couldn’t be better.

All of a sudden the phone rings and the he sends the down to answer his first phone call.

A few minutes pass while the dog runs down the stairs but the lighthouse keeper hears the phone stop ringing, and a few minutes later a heavily panting dog reappears at the top of the stairs.

“well?” says the lighthouse keeper

and the dog replies “It’s for you”

[WittyBird]

24 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER


1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

18. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

19. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

21. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

23. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

24. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.