Jokes

[Double Trouble]

Shortest Fairytale

Once apon a time a man asked a woman "will you marry me?"

She said "No".

...and she lived happily ever after, went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of clothes and handbags, stayed skinny and was never farted on.

The end.

[Trousers]

A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the
night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days event over a
couple of beers.

One questions the other two, "Listen, it's our wedding night and I was
wondering - how many times are we expected to... um... you know... Do
it".

Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see
how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over
breakfast to discuss what went on.

Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our
first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new
wives sat with us."

"No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we
order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it", offers
another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit
dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely
stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the
first groom to take his order "Hello, I'll have the full English
breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".

The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a
toast to his fantastic prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too
shall have the full English breakfast, but could I have FOUR pieces of
toast"

The waitress gets to the last groom "I shall also have the full English
breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath "SEVEN,
yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit whilst giving
a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in
disbelief at the thought how raw this old chap must be.

"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress.

"Why, that's an awful lot"

"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is."

She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the
groom calls after her again.

"And by the way love, can you make two of those brown!"

[Dance Demon]

What's the difference betwen a man and a vibrator..........








A vibrator doesn't buy you a drink first...........

[Brian Doolan]

Originally Posted by Double Trouble

Shortest Fairytale

Once apon a time a man asked a woman "will you marry me?"

She said "No".

...and she lived happily ever after, went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of clothes and handbags, stayed skinny and was never farted on.

The end.

And had 3 kids to 3 different men, never did a days work, lived on state hand-outs paid for by the hard working tax payer and said "F you!!" to any one who had the gall to complain.

[philsmove]

An elderly gentleman...
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!"


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm
83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're
about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went
out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend
it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we
went to last night?"


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave
the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to
help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should
write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,
write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"



Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing
what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful."

One more.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching
his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[Beowulf]

Geeky joke (sorry)

ENGINEERING CONVERSIONS

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
(think about it for a moment)
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

[timbp]

Originally Posted by Beowulf1970

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

By my calculations, 1 million microphones is only 1 kilophone. Please check your calculations

[pmjd]

Originally Posted by timbp

By my calculations, 1 million microphones is only 1 kilophone. Please check your calculations

Actually it would only be one phone, please check your calculations

[David Bailey]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such
an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

[philsmove]

The only cow in a small town in Russia stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 roubles.
Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he ; approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked:
"Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
"You are truly a wise rabbi," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly,
"My wife is from Minsk"

[Double Trouble]

Bloke gets a job at the zoo, looking after the animals. On his first night he goes in to the aquarium to feed the fish. As he puts his hand over the fish tank, a fish jumps up and bites his finger. He gets hold of the fish and kills it.

Not sure what to do next, he says to himself “I know, I’ll feed it to the lion, they will eat anything” and he chucks the fish in the lion enclosure.

Next he goes and checks up on the monkey’s…as he opens the cage to give them some food, one of them attacks him. Grabbing a shovel he whacks the monkey over the head and kills him stone dead. The evidence is disposed of in the lions enclosure.

His final visit is to see the insects. He checks the temperature of the bee hives and is immediately attacked by a swarm of bees. He pulls the hive down and stamps on it until all the bees are dead. Angrily, he throws the crumpled bee hive over the lions enclosure…after all, they will eat anything.

The next day, a new lion arrives from Africa. As he wanders around the enclosure he happens across the other lion. “whats the food like in here?” “oh its great…only yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees”.

[Tessalicious]

Which system do you favour?

SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the hell out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. Then you execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder. He sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company, and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.

NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

[WittyBird]

Real women VS Delia

Delia's Way

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent
ice-cream drips.


The Real Woman's Way

Suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are
probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.


Delia's Way

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes


The Real Woman's Way

Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year


Delia's Way

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the
drycake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the
cake.


The Real Woman's Way

Tesco sells cakes. They even do decorated versions.


Delia's Way

If you accidentally over-salt a dish, while it's still cooking, drop in a
potato slice


The Real Woman's Way

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough *****.

Recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I
don't care how bad it tastes."


Delia's Way

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator, and it will
keep for weeks.


The Real Woman's Way

It could keep for ever. Who eats it?


Delia's Way

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.


The Real Woman's Way

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of
vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you won't
give a sh*!t.


Finally, the most important tip:


Delia's Way

Freeze leftover wine into ice cube trays for future use in casseroles.


The Real Woman's Way

Left over wine? Helloooooooooooooooooooo

[WittyBird]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"
Poof!......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river"
Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

"If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you"

[Connie]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard
to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest
hurdle the faced was that the teacher insisted on NO
baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was
always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the
weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I
took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said.
"No you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must
remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What
book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out
his chest with great pride, and said,



"Winnie the ****."

[Rogboy]

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue I couldn't put it
down.

[WittyBird]

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife Laura about the urinal.

"Just think, "He said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do anything that self-indulgent!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone!"

[Trousers]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her
a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well
sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a partnership in which one
person is always right, and the other is the husband.

[Keefy]

Originally Posted by Rogboy

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue I couldn't put it down.

I was going to get a book about Feng Shui but I didn't know where I would put it down