Jokes

[WittyBird]

Chicken and Women

Q: What's the similarity between women and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: Once you're done with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

[WittyBird]

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

[WittyBird]

Yes, you're right I'm bored....

A Real Ball Buster

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "****! THAT'S the word!”

[Beowulf]

Golfing Nuns

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting, and confesses; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."


"Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.


"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."


"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began To fly away!"


"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother superior.


"No, Mother. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."


"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior.


"Oh no, Mother. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."


The two nuns were silent for a moment.


Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"

[Beowulf]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. Mystical and spiritual, full of beauty.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such an intriguing and seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man returns to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for:

By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

.

.

.

.

.


But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[WittyBird]

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight.



When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

[Trousers]

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by
St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Pete says, "Ladies,
you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you
six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek," and POOF
she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and POOF she's
gone.

The third says, "I want to be Virginia Pepalini."

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Virginia Pepalini." replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that
name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and
hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts
laughing.

He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, this says
the Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!"

[WittyBird]

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were
sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for
All eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of
me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Beowulf]

OLD AGE

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, " Rose , what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said,

"I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

[Twirly]

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.

9. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That's the Governor of California.

10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.

That's America.

[sway]

Q- do you know why A,B,C,D,DD,E,F,G AND H ARE USED TO DEFINE BRA SIZES?

A- THE LETTERS STAND FOR........


a- Almost boobs
b - Barely there
c- can't complain
d- dang!
dd- double dang!
e- enormous
f- fake
g- get a reduction
h- HELP! i have fallen over and can not get up....

[stewart38]

If from Essex please put XYZ girl


An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and

Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out

playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY,

or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed

council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"





An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment

on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up My dress."

she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies.

"This time it's mayonnaise."





Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."



>

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and

bleeding.

The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some

questions?"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate."





A Blonde girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.

It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Kylie, I just heard

on

the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please

Be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said Kylie, "There's hundreds of

them!"



> >

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood

everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car

till she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"







An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl

notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is

wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why

doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on

it?"

So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,

"Well,oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for

me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers

'ave got C&A on them.

[David Bailey]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two green bin bags,
one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Excuse me Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag..."

"Bugger!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the copper. "How did you get all that money?" Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs on to the car park of the football ground. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: £20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the copper. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

[Beowulf]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown


2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown


3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey


4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy


5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry


6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger


7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone


8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien


9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery


10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni


11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson


12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Pres. George W. Bush


13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld


14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson


15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde


16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan ."
--A. Whitney Brown


18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry


19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
-- Unknown, presumed deceased


20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
--W. C. Fields

[Beowulf]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court , word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
(apparently.. I personally have my doubts.. I'm sure one at least is from David Bowie in Labyrinth )

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________ _________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me?
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!!

[timbp]

Originally Posted by Beowulf1970

These are from a book called Disorder in the

I believed these were genuine every other time I've seen them. But your version has a few extra lines that I've never seen before and that lead me to think maybe they are all made up (except one, which I independently verified a couple of years ago).