Jokes

[Trousers]

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their Arse

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

[WittyBird]

The Ultimate Guy Quiz

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend could ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) impossible - she looks too gorgeous!
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Score 1 point for every answer "a"
Score 2 points for every answer "b"
Score 3 points for every answer "c"


Your Score

10 points: You are a saint, a liar, or a eunuch.
11-20 points: You are an average joe. Good luck in the battle of the sexes.
21-30 points: You are a real man's man. Your fear of intimacy with women and your love of men's sports screams latent homosexuality. You need a nice she-male dominatrix to teach you respect.
31-40 You can't add.

[Stuart]

A man walks into a graveyard and sees six men walking with a coffin on their shoulders.

Two hours later he sees them still walking around with the same coffin.

He says to himself:

'They must've really lost the plot'

[Beowulf]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids for some PR.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for break.

George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after break.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, It's question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Little Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the heck happened to Stanley?"

[Beowulf]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when
they go, they take your house and car.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed
way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience
in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been
divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had
slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with
groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to
come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my
elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a
45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the
husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is
that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws
they've passed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her
down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of
laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father
gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
should relax and get used to the idea.

--------------------------------------------------------------- ---------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When
you're in your casket, and friends and
congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to
say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family
man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge
difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to
talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million
years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is
unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and
picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going
crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm
down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry
Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible
is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that
be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I
spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three
hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison

[Gus]

The AP and Reuters newswires have reported that the French Government has announced that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'.

The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's White Flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

[philsmove]

MY NEXT LIFE

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School, drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like
conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case...........................................

ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR DAY

[David Bailey]

Originally Posted by Gus

The AP and Reuters newswires have reported that the French Government has announced that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'.

The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's White Flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdain” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from “Isolationism” to “Find Another Oil-rich Nation for Regime Change”. Their remaining higher alert states are “Attack Random Countries (Ideally Those without Any Credible Military)” and “Beg the British for Help”.

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the Blitz in 1940, when tea suppplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been recategorized from “Tiresome” to “Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

[David Bailey]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."



MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.



FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[stewart38]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
> Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
> window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
>
> The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now
> we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much

> your lousy drive
> is going to cost us."
>
> So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the
> door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
>
> When they opened the door they saw the damage that was
> done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was
> lying on its side near the broken window.
>
> A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, "Are you

> the people that broke my window?"
>
> "Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
> replied.
> "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank
> you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
> thousand years.
> Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give
> you one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last one for
myself.
>
> "Wow, that's great" the husband said. He pondered a moment

> and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my

> life."
>
> "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the
> least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now
> you young Lady what do you want?" the genie asked.
>
> "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in

> every country in the world," she said.
> "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will
> always
> be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
>
> "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish,
> genie?"
>
> "Well since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't
> been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have
> s*x with your wife."
>
> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you
> know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you
> think?"
>
> She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
> you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind,
> but what about
> you honey?"
>
> "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd
> do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where
> they spent the
> rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
>
> After about three hours of non-stop s*x, the genie rolled
> over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and

> your husband?"
>
> "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
>
> "No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of
> you still believe in genies?"

[Icey]

Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville near an old petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

[Icey]

How to get a man to wash his hands ...

[stewart38]

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction

"£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an
anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the
price could drop to £40".

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be
very traumatic, but I'll charge you £5."

"Ochh-man , now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

[Icey]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a woman doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping for the rest of the morning, finishing her trip off with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.

She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg, he's dead. What d'ya buy?

[David Bailey]

Best Come Back Line Ever

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? F**k me, is it midnight already?"

[David Bailey]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into a Supermarket with her two kids in tow, she is shouting and screaming obscenities at them all the way to the entrance.

As she enters she is greeted by a member of staff who says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, and what nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming just long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "Its just I can't believe anyone would want to shag you twice!"