Jokes

[stewart38]

Subject: 6 affairs



The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,
"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work

[Stuart]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman,lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

[David Bailey]

Wedding Invitation:

[David Franklin]

Originally Posted by DavidJames

Wedding Invitation:

So, you going?

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally Posted by David Franklin

So, you going?

going ? he's the cheap two bit tramp

[David Franklin]

Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe

going ? he's the cheap two bit tramp

Erm... Paging Steve Lampert to the white courtesy keyboard please! Lampert to the white courtesy keyboard please!

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally Posted by David Franklin

Erm... Paging Steve Lampart to the white courtesy keyboard please! Lampart to the white courtesy keyboard please!

im always surprised that people can't spell his name he's "lamPERT" - how could you forget that ?

[Stuart]

An American tourist in London decides to leave his tour group and
explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and
occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture with the
lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big,
stately residences .... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of
all.. NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet".

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me." He leads him to a back
"delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there,"
points the Bobbie. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, *
*"That was really decent of you .. is that what you call, "British
Hospitality?"

"No sir," ... replied the Bobbie,... "that is what we call the French
Embassy."

[Martin]

Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe

im always surprised that people can't spell his name he's "lamPERT" - how could you forget that ?

as in lively or as in vivacious....

[Steven666]

Q) Why did the baker have brown fingers?

A) Because he kneaded a poo.

[stewart38]

Male or Female ???


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.


TIRE: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.


SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[Trouble]

honestly, i thought my eyesight was bad but this takes the biscuit.

[Baruch]

What do you call an Englishman holding the Webb Ellis Cup?
The engraver!


What's white and red and goes 'beep beep beep'?
The England victory bus reversing back into the hangar.


How do you get a champagne cork back into the bottle?
Ask any England supporter.


Why are England players so popular with the ladies?
Because they can stay on top for ages and still come second!

[David Bailey]

Speeding

A police officer pulls Derek over for speeding & says:' May I see your driving licence please sir?'

' I dont actually have one,' says Derek. ' I had it confiscated for speeding. "

' Oh, right. Is this your car then, can I see the registration documents?'

'Its not my car, I stole it'. says Derek.

'This car is stolen?'

'Yes, but I think I saw the documents in the glovebox when I put my gun in there.'

'There's a gun in the glovebox?" asks the officer.

'Yes. Thats where I put it after I shot the woman who own's the car & stuffed her body in the boot.'

'There's a body in the boot?'

Hearing all this the officer calls for backup. Soon, Derek's car is surrounded by police. The Chief Inspector is brought in to handle the situation, and he approaches Derek & asks, ' Sir can I see some ID please?'

Derek duly hands over his driving licence.

"And who's car is this?" ask' the inspector.

'Its mine,' says Derek. Here are the registration documents.'

"I see, would you mind opening the boot? I was told there was a dead body in it."

Derek opens the boot, which is completely empty. Puzzled, the inspector says, ' but the officer who stopped you said you'd told him that you didn't have a licence, you stole the car, you had a gun the glovebox & a dead body in the boot.'

'Really?", said Derek.
.
.
.
.
.
"I bet the lying b&stard told you I was speeding as well."

[Gav]

Originally Posted by Baruch

What do you call an Englishman holding the Webb Ellis Cup?
The engraver!


What's white and red and goes 'beep beep beep'?
The England victory bus reversing back into the hangar.


How do you get a champagne cork back into the bottle?
Ask any England supporter.


Why are England players so popular with the ladies?
Because they can stay on top for ages and still come second!

and that lot would have been so funny if it had come from someone whose national team had actually won the world cup at some point.

[Baruch]

Originally Posted by Gav

and that lot would have been so funny if it had come from someone whose national team had actually won the world cup at some point.

Nah - it's funny in itself. I'm fully aware that my own national team is currently crap.

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally Posted by Gav

and that lot would have been so funny if it had come from someone whose national team had actually won the world cup at some point.

No its extremely funny no matter who it came from

[Beowulf]

Once again, the Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[timbp]

Originally Posted by Beowulf1970

Once again, the Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

I have seen most (perhaps all, but a couple I'm not sure of) of those before.
Are you sure this is the 2007 list?
If it is, what rules did the Washington Post have about resubmissions?