Jokes

[stewart38]

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or
a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.



Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.


Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the
way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the
pens to the counters.


Only in Britain ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on
the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.


Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain ... are there disabled parking places in front of a
skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...


3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.


142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
shirts.


58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree
while the fairy lights were plugged in.


19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.


British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker
pulling accidents.


18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a
lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

And finally.........


In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into
the toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!!!!!

[stewart38]

Originally Posted by Beowulf1970

Once again, the Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

who needs Nytol when you can read that before you go to bed

Its working

[Icey]

We're very much obliged today to Hampshire's finest for demonstrating that when knocking up ads for the backs of buses you really need to consider just exactly where the exhaust will sit:

[Beowulf]

love these...

[drathzel]

Sherrif & The Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town is walking down main street when he sees a blond cowboy coming towards him wearing just his boots and a cowboy hat, so he arrests him.

As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why on earth are you dressed like that?"

The Cowboy says: "Well, it happened like this Sheriff."

"I was in a bar just outside of town when this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor-home with her. So I did."

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to take off my shirt. So I did."

"Then she removes her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did."

"Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to take off my shorts. So I did."

"She looks at me kinda sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...' So I did."

"And here I am."

Son of a Gun, blond men do exist!

[drathzel]

The Party Girl

A woman arrived at a party, but didn't see anyone she knew.

As she looked around, she spotted an attractive man, who was standing alone.

She approached him and introduced herself: "Hi, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Bob Titsenbeer," he replied.

[drathzel]

Two Irish Engineers and a Blonde

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."

[drathzel]

Extracting Money

A dad takes his young son to a large shopping market. The son is holding a 50 pence piece. Suddenly, the boy starts coughing and going blue in the face.

The dad realizes his son has swallowed the coin and starts panicking and shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of his goollies and begins to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy coughs up the coin, which the woman catches in her hand.

Releasing him, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he's sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anyone do that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," replies the woman, "I work for the Inland Revenue!"

[drathzel]

Dr Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients, and felt guilty about it all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But, every once in a while, he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

Invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "But Dave.....you're a vet."

[drathzel]

A Night Of Love

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over and pulled out a cigarette from his jeans, then searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had a light.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear."

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[drathzel]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

[David Bailey]

Bored last night, huh?

[David Bailey]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[onkar]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.




At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all

led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go

back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"

And *poof* she's gone.


The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.


The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't

ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and

says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by

1,400 men in 6 months."

[onkar]

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the
check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the
checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he
didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over
the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Checkout 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most
of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the
check out for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his pants. He did

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One
box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had
seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a
live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check
out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and
he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up
the intercom and said.................



(you'll love this one...................)



























Scroll down...........























'Mop and bucket to Checkout 5'!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Twirly]

Subject: Northern Rock Crisis

The knock-on effects from the recent US sub prime market problems that hit Northern Rock and others show no sign of letting up. In fact, the Banking system in Japan appears to be the latest victim of the global credit crunch.

In the last 7 days the Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale but is considered unlikely to go for a song. Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.

[drathzel]

What do you call a musician without a significant other?


Homeless

[Double Trouble]

What's Amy Winehouses's favorite Tube Station?...


......







High Barnet.