Jokes

[Boomer]

Lady walks into her Dr’s and says
‘Dr, I’ve a problem with the HRT treatments you’ve put me on’,
‘So what’s the problems’ ask the Doc
‘Well, since I’ve started it, I’ve loads of hair growing in some unusual places’
‘Well’ says the Doc ‘Excessive hair growth on HRT is to be expected unfortunately - where exactly is the hair growing?’
‘On me bol****s, and that’s something else I want to talk about’.

[Chris]

A man was walking along the street when he saw a
ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would
do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud,
upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly
woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success"
she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the
ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a
slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the
eye.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she
said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well
carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive
lady who, this time, was actually quite
desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to
success" she said. As he turned her down and went
on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that
this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim,
attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or
climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and
being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400
pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies
buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "My name's
Cess!"

[DavidB]

... but it is one of my favourite jokes.

[ACTUAL (not really) transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.]

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

[Martin]

Hell

An Australian dies and is sent to hell. He had been a horrible man
throughout life and even the devil wanted to punish him, so he puts him to
work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer.

To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. "Love my
kingdom!" laughs the devil. After a couple of days the devil checks in on
his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as he
looks at the Aussie happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned
the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The Aussie, smiling big, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It
reminds me of January in Australia. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It
reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Aussie's remarks.

Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down driving rain and
torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his
knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Aussie is happily slogging
through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the
devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The Aussie replies, "This is great! Just like August in near Melbourne. It
reminds me of working out in the fields, getting ready for thespring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled. Angry, and desperate to make hell
really hell, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature
plummet. Suddenly hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this
will surely make the Australian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is
aghast at what he sees. The Aussie is dancing, singing, and twirling his
sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero!?" screams the
devil.

Jumping up and down the Aussie throws a snowball at the devil and yells,
"Hell's frozen over!! This means the Wallabies won the World Cup!!!"



- Loved this when I recieved it today so had to pass it on (as I know you bought an England top David) - I managed to get tickets to the Final Yey - So I will be able to see England win LIVE !!!

Marty

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by DavidB
... Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Love it !

[Bardsey]

Mummy Polar bear, Daddy Polar bear and Baby Polar bear walking through the snow and ice. Baby bear turns to his mum and asks "Mum, am I really a Polar bear?"
"Yes of course you are darling" replies mum
Five minutes later "Mum, are you really sure I'm a Polar bear"
"Course you are darling" replies mum again.
This goes on for a while til eventually the mummy polar bear loses patience and asks her offspring "Look, I'm getting a bit fed up with this now, why on earth do you keep asking if you're a polar bear?"
"Cos I'm F***ing freezing" replies baby bear!

[Sheepman]

Another old one, from what I'm told, it won't apply to Apple users?

Greg

Dear Helpdesk,

A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2002 plus GreatMealsOnTable (Guaranteed for a limited period).
But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard Drive and cannot be deleted - they then resurface months (or years) later. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra STROP and WHINGE zip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try
and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoe shop BrowserPro for new attachments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
Any ideas?

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by Sheepman
Any ideas?

Good one, Sheepster !

[psyc0diver]

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by psyc0diver

Nice one, but what does Weegie mean? (sorry I'm just a thick yorkshire lass...... blond too.....what can I say!)

[TheTramp]

Originally posted by Bardsey
Nice one, but what does Weegie mean? (sorry I'm just a thick yorkshire lass...... blond too.....what can I say!)

Glas-wee-gian.

People from Glasgow are Weegie's

Steve

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by TheTramp
Glas-wee-gian.

People from Glasgow are Weegie's

Steve

Thanks Steve, not heard the term before!

[TheTramp]

Me neither before I'd moved up here....

Steve

[Lory]

> LITTLE JOHNNY ONCE AGAIN - A high school teacher in Kentucky asked her
> students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said, "My
> family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was
> fascinating."
>
> The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
> "fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to See
Rock
> City and I was fascinated."
>
> The teacher said, "That was good Sally, but I want the word "fascinate."
> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because he was noted
> for his bad language. ! She finally decided there was no way he could
> damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said, "My cousin
> has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only
fasten
> eight."

[Bardsey]

[quote]Originally posted by Lory
[b]>

Thanks for that one Lory. I needed cheering up after what we've been talking about on the Rememberance thread.

[psyc0diver]

OK if were getting onto the little johnny jokes!

Teacher is asking the little darlings to give examples of words with more than one syllable. Little johnny immediatly shoots up his hand saying "me miss, me, me"
Intentionally not noticing him she picks Mary.
Mary says "kitten miss, two syllables"
"Very good Mary"
Little johnny goes "me miss, me miss"
"Tom, whats your word"
"goldfish miss, two syllables"
and so on round the class, untill Johnny is the only one left
"OK Johnny, whats your word?"
"cunnilingus, miss, four syllables"
not wishing to be seen to be shocked & flabergasted, she plays for recovery time saying "well that word is certainly a mouthfull"
Johnny shoots back "no miss youre thinking of blow-job thats only two syllables"

[Chris]

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."

[Lory]

As I Mature

I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when
something isn't working in your house, one
of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.

[psyc0diver]

True story.

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11
Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set
foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on
the moon,
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for
mankind",
were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made
the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark
concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However,
upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian
or American space programs. Over the years many
people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but
Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while
answering questions following a speech, a reporter
brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died
and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town,
he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard
by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and
Mrs.Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
"blow-job! You want a blow-job?! You'll get a blow-job when the kid
next door walks on the moon!"


Hence the song "Good luck mr Gorsky" by sleeper, pop trivia fact No. one for today

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by Lory
As I Mature

I have a similar, but lengthier one, so thought I'd start a new thread, see what everyone else can come up with.