Jokes

[David Bailey]

On a recent transatlantic flight, the plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One American woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence.. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Englishman stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time. ......

No one moves. ......

He removes his shirt. .......

Muscles ripple across his chest. ......

She gasps...........

He whispers: .......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

[rubyred]

A blonde walks into a bank in Dublin and asks for the loan. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow €5,000.

The bank clerk says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a €250,000 Rolls as collateral against a €5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the €5,000 and the interest, which comes to €15.41. The bank manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow €5,000?"
The blonde replied, "Where else in Dublin can I park my car for two weeks for only €15.41

A blonde joke with a difference.

[demonic_chick]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls' night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties."

"You think that's bad" said the other husband,

"Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her backside that says: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

[Stuart]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"I"m sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies. . . .












"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Stuart]

Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy.

One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him.

The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's BMW 735csi. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear.

It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse.

The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety.

The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!"

The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!"

They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.

A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene.

There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do?

The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken.

"Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!".

With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingie and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe.

The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled.

And what is the moral of this story?
.

.

.

.

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[David Bailey]

Deer hunters

Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Wisconsin on the opening day of deer season.

They saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards the one hunter but as the hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.

The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, an stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"

The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, we were married for 42 years".

[David Bailey]

Yet another funeral joke

UNUSUAL FUNERAL



A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "that first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

Well, who is in the second coffin? "

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Join the queue."

[Stuart]

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'.

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed.

"Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread'
to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe guy says,

"Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Hovis Account."

[senorita]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW"

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;
"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

THE WIFE ASKS,
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

FINE, SHE SAYS,
"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?" THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE SAYS . "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID,
"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID,
"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED,
"HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

[Stuart M]

Newsflash: Mick Hucknall's been done for bestiality with a rabbit.

Apparently he was holdin' back the ears and the bunny was too tight to mention.



Yes, it's an oldie but I saw it recently on another message board

[McJester]

Bad Jokes that are being emailed round my work :


Whats the difference between PMT and CJD???
One attacks the cow's brain and sends it mental!! The other is an agricultural disease!!!!

A bloke goes into a chemist and asks for some KY jelly!!
The assistant says "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of stoc,k have you tried Boots????"
The bloke says "I want to slide in............ not f*cking march in!!!!"

A man staggers into hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped around his neck.
The doctor says " What the hell happened to you???"
The man replies " I was playing golf with the Missus, and we sliced our balls into a field of cows!! I found one of the balls stuck in a cow's fanny. I yelled to the wife 'This one looks like yours' and don't
remember anything after that!!!!"

Which of these is the odd one out??? A TV, a washing machine, a woman and a freezer?????
The TV because all the others leak when they are f*cked!!!!

Ireland's worst EVER air disaster occurred this morning when a small two seater plane crashed into a cemetary!!
Rescue workers have so far recovered 1826 bodies so far...... and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the night!!!!

A man goes into the doctors and says "I'm having problems when I w*nk!! After I have finished I always sing you'll never walk alone!!!!"
The doctors says " Yes alot of w*nkers sing that!!!!!!"

There's a new shampoo out for coarse hair!! Its called "Wash and f*ck off!!!!!"

Alcohol free lager!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its like licking your sisters fanny!!
It tastes the same but its just not right!!!!!!

[Twirly]

Subject: Pre Christmas Fitness

Exercise Routine

You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...





































































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Chocolate or a wine

[Stuart]

What do ghosts play at parties?

Haunt and seek

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?

Auld Fang Syne

What do you call a multi-storey pig pen?

A styscraper

What do you call a fairy who hasn't had a wash for a week?

Stinkerbell

[Dance Demon]

Apparently Sir Paul McCartney bought Heather a new artificial leg for Christmas. He says it wasn't her main present though..........it was just a stocking filler....

[David Bailey]

A GOOD QUESTION

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.

She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow
off to be home just incase this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question
because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have a
vagina?'

'Yes' she says.

The man replies
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'Good! Can you tell your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours then?'

[Brian Doolan]

Joke of the day!!

Afghanistan appeals for food aid


This from the country that supplies 90% of the illegal heroin trade in Europe.

[philsmove]

JEWISH FLORIDA CONDO POKER GAME......................

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz

loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.


Showing respect for their fallen comrade,


he other five continue playing standing up.

Finklestien looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to deliver the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.

Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.

The wife opens the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares:

"Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."


"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.






"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg

[David Bailey]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new Bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?", asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate old Geezers.

[Stuart]

World Economic Models explained by Cows

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks ve