Jokes

[Freudian Hips]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again" she replied. On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a Day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M& M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you fu**ing tw*t"

[martingold]

95 year old man goes to the doctor and asks for viagra
after doing a general check up the doc said sure i will prescribe them for you
The old man asked the doc to prescribe them in quarters
the doc said that wont do you much good
The old man said i only want it just to raise a small amount so i dont keep peeing on my shoes

[knightengale]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.....' At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight'

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army..'

Mommy fainted...

[Trouble]

VALENTINES TREATS

Hubby spent £50 on flowers, £100 on a meal, £100 on lingerie, £200 on lovely hotel room, look on wifes face - love and admiration.

Wife tells hubby she is on her period, look on hubbys face - priceless.!!

[Baruch]

Two pregnant women are knitting baby clothes.

The first one says, "I hope mine is a boy - I've used blue wool."

The second one says, "I hope mine is deformed - I've f**ked the arms up!"

[Robin]

IRISH BOY'S CONFESSION
>
> "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
> The priest asks, "Is that you, Johnny Byrne?"
> "Yes, Father, it is."
> "And who was the girl you were with?"
> "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
> "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
> may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?"
> "I cannot say."
> "Was it Teresa Brown?"
> "I'll never tell."
> "Was it Margaret Doyle?"
> "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
> "Was it Anne O' Neil?"
> "My lips are sealed."
> "Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"
> "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
> The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Johnny, and I
> admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
>
> You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
> Now you go and behave yourself."
> Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend
> Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
>
> Four months vacation and five good leads."!

[Twirly]

One for Barry...

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene"
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir .. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

[Icey]

German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you"

"OK" says the girl, "I charge 100 quid an hour"

"Is goot" says the German, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky"

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"

"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

[Stuart]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing the neighborhoods.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ."

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge .."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus."

[Twirly]

An alternative screen cleaner

[CheesyRobMan]

The proverbial Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are on the run from the law, pegging it across Dartmoor having escaped from prison, with the fuzz in hot pursuit, dogs baying and snarling not far behind them. Through the suitably atmospheric mist, they see a small farmer's shack in the corner of a field.

"Quick! In there!" says the Scotsman.
"What? But that's too obvious, they'll know we're in there, and then there'll be no escape!" says the Irishman.
"Trust me, boys, I've got a plan," the Scotsman replies, and they run into the shack. Inside they find several large burlap sacks, and the Scotsman begins to climb into one.

"That's the most rubbish disguise I've ever seen," says the Englishman. "They're sure to know it's us in here."
"No, really, trust me lads," the Scotsman says. "Just do as I do."

He climbs into the sack, and the other two look at each other, shrug and climb into their own sacks. In only a few seconds, the dogs are at the door, barking and growling, and the officers aren't far behind.

One of the policemen takes one look at the sacks, takes his truncheon and gives the first one a good knock.

"Meow! Meeeow!" says the Scotsman inside.

"Aww, that's just a little pussy cat," he says to himself. He then gives the second one a whack. The Englishman, who's inside, cottons on and replies with "Woof! Woof woof!"

"Ah, that's just a little puppy dog," says the policeman. The Irishman's been listening, and is smiling to himself - he knows what to do now. The truncheon comes down on the third sack...

...and the Irishman shouts "Potatoes! Potatoes! Potatoes!"

[philsmove]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even
more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she
pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
Made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[Warwick]

Originally Posted by Twirly

An alternative screen cleaner

Fixed URL is screen cleaner

I hope.

[Twirly]

Queens Subprime Bohemian Rhapsody

Is this the real price?
Is this just fantasy?
Financial landslide
No escape from reality

Open your eyes
And look at your buys and see.
I’m now a poor boy
High-yielding casualty

Because I bought it high, watched it blow
Rating high, value low
Any way the Fed goes
Doesn’t really matter to me, to me

Mama – just killed my fund
Quoted CDO’s instead
Pulled the trigger, now it’s dead
Mama – I had just begun
These CDO’s have blown it all away

Mama – oooh
I still wanna buy
I sometimes wish I’d never left Goldman at all.

I see a little silhouette of a Fed
Bernanke! Bernanke! Can you save the whole market?
Monolines and munis – very very frightening me!
Super senior, super senior
Super senior CDO – magnifico

I’m long of subprime, nobody loves me
He’s long of subprime CDO fantasy
Spare the margin call you monstrous PB!
Easy come easy go, will you let me go?
Peloton! No – we will not let you go – let him go
Peloton! We will not let you go – let him go
Peloton! We will not let you go – let me go
Will not let you go – let me go (never)
Never let you go – let me go
Never let me go – ooo

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, -
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
S&P had the devil put aside for me
For me, for me, for me

<Guitar bridge>

So you think you can fund me and spit in my eye?
And then margin call me and leave me to die
Oh PB – can’t do this to me PB
Just gotta get out – just gotta get right outta here

<Guitar solo>

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
No price really matters
No liquidity
Nothing really matters – no price really matters to me

<Instrumental ending>

Any way the Fed goes.....

<fade out>

[Donna]

Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree in a room on Quality St, it was after 8. He turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic!
He slipped his hand into her Snickers and showed her his CurlyWurly. Not keen to have any Jelly Babies she let him have her up Bourneville Boulevard. She screamed with Turkish Delight as he took out his Fun Sized Mars Bar.
It felt a bit Crunchie and she wanted some Time Out, so, he did a Twirl, and came in a very Milky Way.


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A woman rings her boss and says, 'I won't be in work today, I've got anal blindness'. Boss says, 'what's that?'. She says, ' I can't see my ar$e getting out of bed today'.

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A riddle for you:

2 men are at the opposite side of the world but are thinking the exact same thing. One is walking a tightrope between 2 skyscrapers and the other is having a blow job off an 85 year old woman..... what are they both thinking?
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ................ Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down!


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Italian guy: When I finish making aluv to my girlafriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floats 6 inch above da bed in ecstasy.


Frenchman: zat is nothin, wen i finish wiv ze girl, I kiss her all ze way down her body, zen lick ze soles of ze feet. She floats 12 inches above ze bed in ecstazy.

Englishman: When I'm done riding our lass, I get out of bed and wipe it on the curtains. She hits the blummin roof!

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Man walks into kitchen and sees wife cooking. 'Shag me now' she says, 'right now'. He shags her on the kitchen table and then she goes back to the cooking. 'What was that all about?' he asks. 'oh,' she said looking back at him over her shoulder, 'I couldn't find the egg-timer!'

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3 sisters, Ann, Jan and Fanny. All have big feet.

Ann and Jan go on a date, 1 of the boys says, 'Jesus you have big feet!' Ann replys, ' You should see our fannys, they're huge!'

[demonic_chick]

12 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN
2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING
3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE
4. PUFFY MID-SECTION
5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK
6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS
7. PARDON MY SOBBING
8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE
9. PASS MY SWEATS
10. POOR MOOD SYNDROME
11. PACK MY STUFF
& MY FAVORITE ONE
12. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

[Freudian Hips]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy said to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.

[philsmove]

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear
charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder &
saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He
tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his
left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the
sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[Brian Doolan]

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up from the floor.
Then, he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. 'Dear,
Dad," the letter said. "It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted
to avoid a scene. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is
so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her
piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so
much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's
pregnant. Stacy says that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in
the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact
that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all
the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,
I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many
grandchildren.

Love, your son,

Joshua

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on the kitchen table.

[Baruch]

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah! We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours '