Jokes

[Brian Doolan]

Originally Posted by Baruch

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah! We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours '

Had you said "put IT in 10 Downing Street" it would have been funny.

[Stuart]

What's the difference between Robert Mugabe and Max Moseley?

Max Moseley admitted he'd been beaten!

[Twirly]

British Weather

The Archbishop of Canterbury has partially got his way, British weather has been declared Muslim.

It's either Sunni or Shiite.

[philsmove]

Nine words women use....


1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[Trousers]

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."

[philsmove]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...

(Are you ready for this one!?)



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'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!!'

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally Posted by Brian Doolan

Had you said "put IT in 10 Downing Street" it would have been funny.

i concur, and in this case the pedantry adds to the humour

[Dance Demon]

I'm really mad!...some bloke ran into my car today in one of those new Skodas.
It took me ages to clean all the marzipan, jelly & sponge cake off my car.....

[mick s]

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.

She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

[stewart38]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With
the worst premonition he opened the envelope and read the letter with
trembling hands.

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy and she is
so nice but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her
piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is
so much older than I am.


But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that
we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack
of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.

Love,

Your son, Joshua

P.S.

Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for
me to come home.