Jokes

[Poi Boi]

Subject: Letters about modern life

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament
into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be
robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least
he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella, Matlock

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some
action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That
should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

This new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed
all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese'
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead.

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.
D Evans, London.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth.

Why did Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people?
I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community
service.
A Woodward, Sheffield.

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to
finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some
recognition for it's contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham.

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital
cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of
Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy One hopes we will show a
little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Tim Wakefield, Surrey.

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK
when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty
arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the late Queen Mother
to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in
London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with
the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North
Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always
be with us.
George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich.

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (in any weather, mind you)
holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B Boll*ckbrain, Braintree.

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon
on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing
she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan
Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole.

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I
know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull.

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter
nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based
murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin
Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out
not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's
'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

D Mason, Leeds

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be
calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up
all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them
at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I
must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians
prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota
system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change
after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News
that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God
from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy

'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say
of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to
mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a
billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more
harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older'
when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another
one's a**e: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses?
Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to
MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976,
'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the
prison.
Raymond ****yb *** cks

If it's true what they say, 'Once you pop, you can't stop', why are
Pringles tubes resealable?
A Bean, Sudbury

There's no pleasing my wife, she complains when I leave the toilet seat
up, she complains when I leave it down and p1ss all over it.
Jon, Leeds

Please can you help me? I can't seem to think of another purpose for
multi-purpose compost, other than for growing plants in.
Leo Stitch, email

[philsmove]

TOP MORONS OF 2007



1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'


THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.


NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[Brighton Belle]

I hesitate to post this one as this is a 'Scottish' forum but here goes!



A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners.

She places a garment on the counter.

"Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." She says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"Naw" she replies.

"This time it's mayonnaise."

[Dance Demon]

Originally Posted by Poi Boi

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some
action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That
should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

Quality....

[David Bailey]

A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies:
.
.
.
.
'Because I really miss mine'.

[Donna]

2 gay men in toilet.

One sees the other wearing a nicotine patch on his d**k and asks 'does that work?'. The other replies, ' Yeah, I'm down to two puffs a day now.'

[Donna]

Woman and baby go to the Docs.

Doc's concerned about the baby's weight and asks, 'Is he bottle or breast fed?'

Woman replies breast fed, so the Doc asks her to strip down to the waist.

Doc then pinches and sucks her nipples, and rubs both her tits for a while.

'No wonder the baby is under weight, You've got no milk' says Doc.

'I know' says woman, 'I'm his gran, but Im f*cking glad I came!'

[Poi Boi]

WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into
a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club
for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my
college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim
wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to
standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO
in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her
voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the he*l would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other sh*t too.

THURSDAY

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to
tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When
she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent
Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that bit*h Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with
it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps . I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my wife (the bit*h) will choose a gift for me that is
fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO - What a Ride"!

[Stuart]

My Doctor has put me on the new Viagara and Prune Diet.

Now I don't know whether I am coming or going.

[Gojive]

What do you call a bull with 3 legs?......"lean beef"

What do you call a sheep with no legs?......a cloud

[Dance Demon]

Originally Posted by Stuart

My Doctor has put me on the new Viagara and Prune Diet.

Now I don't know whether I am coming or going.

My doctor has put me on tablets that are a mixture of Prozac & Viagra......
So now if I don't get a f**k I don't give a f**k......

[Katie Kicks Ass]

A riddle for you all PM me your replies.

I live above a star but never burn, I have 11 neighbours but they never turn, my initials are pqr and sometimes s. What am I?

[Beowulf]

This is sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1978 : Long hair
2008 : Longing for hair

1978 : Acid rock
2008 : Acid reflux

1978 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2008 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1978 : Seeds and stems
2008 : Roughage

1978 : Going to a new, hip joint
2008 : Receiving a new hip joint

1978 : Rolling Stones
2008: Kidney Stones

1978 : Screw the system
2008: Upgrade the system

1978 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2008: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1978 : Passing the drivers' test
2008: Passing the vision test

1978 : Whatever
2008: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting university this year were born in 1990.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable/satellite.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...

It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!

[TheTramp]

That's a Joke Beo???

[ShinyWeeStar]

'Tis to some of us!

[philsmove]

Originally Posted by Beowulf

It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!

1978 Quiz


and i still can't use a typerwriter

[ducasi]

Originally Posted by Beowulf

The people who are starting university this year were born in 1990.

[...]

The CD was introduced the year before they were born.

Methinks there must have been some upwards revision to this text since it was first written about 7 years ago...

[Baruch]

Originally Posted by philsmove

1978 Quiz

I scored 60%, which isn't bad when you consider that I was only 6 back in 1978.

[Brian Doolan]

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.

- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.

- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.

- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

- Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.

After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there...




MALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe : ruled by a dick..

[Dance Demon]

A man is driving through the countryside, when he comes across a farm, where he sees a 10 year old boy, leading the biggest bull he's ever seen by a rope through a ring on it's nose. The man stops and asks the young lad where he's taking the bull. " I'm taking it down to the bottom pasture, so it can service the cows" the young lad replies. Quite concerned the man says " isn't that a job the farmer should be doing?"....... " Oh no" says the boy..........." It has to be the bull!"....