Jokes

[Stuart]

Originally Posted by Dance Demon

A man is driving through the countryside, when he comes across a farm, where he sees a 10 year old boy, leading the biggest bull he's ever seen by a rope through a ring on it's nose. The man stops and asks the young lad where he's taking the bull. " I'm taking it down to the bottom pasture, so it can service the cows" the young lad replies. Quite concerned the man says " isn't that a job the farmer should be doing?"....... " Oh no" says the boy..........." It has to be the bull!"....

A variation of that joke was in "Carry on Camping" the other night

[Stuart]

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

Then analyse the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

I. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Senior Management.

[Brian Doolan]

Questions you just can't answer..............

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Can you answer any of them?

[Brian Doolan]

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention. Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance". So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds Gazza eventually says, "Ninety?" Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, " OK, What is 2 plus 2?" Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ..............







"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[stewart38]

Originally Posted by Baruch

I scored 60%, which isn't bad when you consider that I was only 6 back in 1978.

After 2 attempts


Well Done!
You've finished the quiz.
Your answers were 100 per cent correct. Congratulations. You've got top marks. You're just so... seventies!
Exit Quiz

[Brian Doolan]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They're both quite startled. The man turns to her and politely says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies,
"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221"

[Stuart]

What's the first sign of Madness?

Suggs walking up your garden path.

[Stuart M]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband, and Jack Straw. They're asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol, and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about a gallon.'

[Stuart]

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless. "This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

Alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

[Cruella]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients
were shouting, "13, 13, 13, 13."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.






Then they all started shouting, "14, 14, 14, 14."

[philsmove]

Why, if you work for the MOD, are you not allowed to look out of the windows in the morning?


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Be cause there would be nothing to do in the afternoon

[Keefy]

Gary Glitter says he doesn't want to come back to the UK, he wants to go to Florida and Tampa with the kids.

[Brian Doolan]

Originally Posted by Keefy

Gary Glitter says he doesn't want to come back to the UK, he wants to go to Florida and Tampa with the kids.

That's not funny Keefy

[Brian Doolan]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible". ''What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine.'" Bartender said, "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." Pirate says, "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." Bartender said, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" Pirate says, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really." Bartender said "What about that eye patch?" Pirate says, "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh1t in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you lost an eye just from bird sh1t." * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Pirate says, "Well, it was my first day with the hook."

[Baruch]

Originally Posted by Brian Doolan

That's not funny Keefy

The reality it refers to isn't, of course. But as black humour, it works.

[Martin]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny
breasts.

Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and
say,'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the
bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little
rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes
and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr.
Smith's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He, winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'

[Brian Doolan]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never get pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too yucky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toy s all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in less than an hour.

No wonder we're always happy.

[Keefy]

Police today explained why they waited for everything to cool down before recovering the bodies from the mansion fire - they said that nobody liked a warm Fosters.

[Brian Doolan]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'..................
............




He replied, 'I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

[Stuart]

Tired of constantly being broke, & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that the going rate for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store.

There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...........



(You're going to love this ............. )




















'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'