Jokes

[Chris]

Originally posted by ChrisA
Not every day please

??? Sorry - have I posted a Dilbert b4?

won't post any more then

[ChrisA]

Originally posted by Chris
??? Sorry - have I posted a Dilbert b4?

won't post any more then

Well, it's not up to me

Sorry, a bit premature of me to imagine a trend.

[psyc0diver]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war."



"Hearing so many people speaking ill about his intelligence level, George W. Bush decided to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was: - Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the right, like all normal people. But the problem is: in your left brain, there is nothing right and in your right brain, there is nothing left"

[DavidB]

Martin Johnson, Richard Hill and Johnny Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says; "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in.

Addressing Johnson first he asks, "What do you believe?

Johnson looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Rugby to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the North to the bright lights of Twickenham. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club.

God looks up and offers Johnson the seat to his left. God then turns to Hill, "And you, Dicky, what do you believe?"

Hill stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Hill the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wilkinson, "and you, Johnny, what do you believe?"

"I believe..." says Wilkinson "...you're sitting in my seat."

[Dance Demon]

Johnny Wilkinson..? ...who's he then, should we know him..?

[TheTramp]

Apparently, he's god.

Steve

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by Dance Demon
Johnny Wilkinson..? ...who's he then, should we know him..?

oooh you're a brave man!!!

[Sheepman]

Originally posted by Bardsey
oooh you're a brave man!!!

Or the Devil himself!

Greg

[Dave Hancock]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged
that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a
night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd
love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm
shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right
hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an
hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.

Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep
for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws
in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind
blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, diz mah haudin' yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?"

Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she
shtole my wallet."

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally posted by Dave Hancock
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she
shtole my wallet."

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by Dave Hancock
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she
shtole my wallet."

Brilliant !

[Sheepman]

I have removed the more offensive ones!!:-
Greg

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because
a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When
she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course.
He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[psyc0diver]

Its the weekend at last!

[TheTramp]

David Beckham at a training sessions says, "I like them, because they make my breath fresh".

Stunned silence for a while, until someone shouts out, "TACTICS, you thick prat"!

(Are we allowed to direct personal abuse at David Beckham, Franck?? )

Steve

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by TheTramp
David Beckham at a training sessions says, "I like them, because they make my breath fresh".

Stunned silence for a while, until someone shouts out, "TACTICS, you thick prat"!

(Are we allowed to direct personal abuse at David Beckham, Franck?? )

Steve

Nice one, Steve!

[Bardsey]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5; and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Frustrated and desperate


Dear F&D:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly 1.0.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[Chris]

The doctor told Joe, "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the First time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important Part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop
and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see........size 44
long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, " How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's Feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." ...


A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Bardsey]

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?

Its always erect.

It stays up for 12 days and 12 nights.

It has cute balls

It looks even better with the lights on]

[Sheepman]

Originally posted by Bardsey
It looks even better with the lights on]

OK, should I stop now with the chauvinist jokes?

G

[psyc0diver]

Cows used To Explain World Ideologies

Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The Government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You take care of all the cows. The Government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism
You have two cows. The Government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the Government took from the chicken farmers. The Government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Fascism
You have two cows. The Government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbour helps you take care of them and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them but the Government takes all of the milk.

Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

Dictatorship
You have two cows. The Government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk

Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk

Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the Government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out numerous forms accounting for the missing cow.

Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.

Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The Government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Constitutional Monarchy.
You have two cows. The Government lets you take care of them at your expense and instructs you to give half of the milk obtained to your snooty neighbours across the street who do nothing but sip tea. The Government also wants half of what’s remaining for you to give them as compensation for coming up with the idea of giving half to your snooty neighbours

Old Russian Communism
You have two sheep and we expect you to come with wool not milk. You don’t have two cows. Remember we never make mistakes

Military Coup
The chickens shoot the cows and declare that from now on they will produce the milk.

Hippy Commune
Everybody looks after the cows. The cows stop eating the grass and start smoking it.

Holy Crusades
You own two cows. They head to farmer Bob’s place to kill the horses unless they start acting like cows.

Apartheid
You own two cows. The Government tells you to keep them in separate fields because they are different colours. No one outside the farm will buy your milk. Bruce Springsteen refuses to sing in your barn but there are some pretty ordinary cricketers willing to have a hit in your back paddock for the money.

UN Intervention
You have two cows. You squeeze their udders too hard when you milk them, the cows complain and other farmers come in, tell you to stop and stand around in your yard wearing milk cartons on their heads. Each morning you milk the cows behind the barn where the other farmers can’t see.

Religious Oligarchy
You have two cows – the priesthood take them and sacrifice them to god who will then make the sky rain milk. When it doesn’t happen they come back and stone you to death for being a heretic


Capitalism
You have two cows, you milk them then sell them on, using the money to buy two unmilked cows for less than you sold your previous cows. You then claim to have made a loss on the deal and try to avoid paying the tax on the milk

Consumerism
You have two cows, but you cant sell the milk because the latest fashion is for Yak’s milk. By the time you have located & imported two Yaks the fashion has changed


Imperialism

You have two cows. Your neighbours invade and tell you they now own your cows. They then force you to look after the cows while they sit about sipping tea, then they sell the milk to the cowmen on their own farm for cheaper than they can produce it themselves






Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce
the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break
for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others
for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an
ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...


Moooo!