Jokes

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by Lory


The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

*groan* Did I make a pig's ear of the quote's this time Boomer?

[Boomer]

Originally posted by Bardsey
*groan* Did I make a pig's ear of the quote's this time Boomer?

No ...time will tell.

[Sheepman]

My Dad always used to say, "never a borrower or a lender be." And the bank sacked him, of course.

Greg

[Dance Demon]

A primary school teacher is teaching arithmetic to her class of 10 year olds. "Johnny, if there are three crows sitting on a fence, and the farmer shoots one of them, how many would be left" she asked. "None miss," came the reply. " No Johnny, think about it. There are three crows, the farmer shoots one , how many are left?" Once again Johnny replies "none miss."
Teacher asks Johnny to explain his answer. " Well miss, the farmer shot one crow, and the noise from the gun frightened the other two away" explained Johnny. Teacher scratches her head and says "well Johnny, the answer I was looking for was two.....3-1=2 .......but I really like your way of thinking."
Johnny then asks "please miss, can I ask you a question?". "Certainly Johnny, fire away" says Teacher.
" There are three women walking down the road eating lillipops. One is chewing it, one is licking it and the other is sucking it. Which one is married ?" asks Johnny...After a pause the embarrassed teacher replies, "well I suppose it must be the one sucking it"......"No miss, it's the one wearing the wedding ring" retorts Johnny...............But I really like your way of thinking..

[Lory]

How Icecream is made!

[David Franklin]

Subject: Letter to Our Cats

Dear Cats:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with one another so there are still three cats in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the end of the hall is not the object. Tripping me
doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to one another stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing
but kitty sarcasm.

My phone cord is not black licorice.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using
bathrooms for years; feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

The bathroom sink is for washing hands and was not meant to be your
personal water fountain. I'm tired of being summoned to the bathroom
when you are ready for a drink. The bowl of water in the kitchen is
not contaminated and has no floaters! So from now on you will drink
from there... I put fresh water in daily!

Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our
pets.

1. The cats live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, he's a cat. To me, he's an adopted son who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called, never
drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke
or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear
your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if
they get pregnant, you can sell the kittens.

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by Lory
How Icecream is made!

Ohmygod Lory, that's the last time I eat ice-cream....

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by David Franklin
Subject: Letter to Our Cats

Dear Cats:

I should print this out and read it to my cat.

I would also add to the list :-

When I'm watching TV, if I thought I needed a fur round my neck to keep warm, I'd go buy one that doesn't keep head-butting my chin when I stop stroking it!!!

[Bardsey]

2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking one turns to the other and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese'



A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too."

[Pammy]

Originally posted by Bardsey
head-butting my chin

That's not head butting!!!

That's a kiss!!

I love it when Darcy does that to me!

[Dance Demon]

Originally posted by Bardsey

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too."

nice one bardsey

[Bardsey]

While on his state visit to England, George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

[Will]

Be very proud to be British Because...
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a
skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker
pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out
of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!!

[Boy Wonder]

And now a fitba' joke for any Killie fans amongst us..

a killie fan was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits and a wrinkled face.
'Whos he?' asked the Killie lad.
'That's the Memory man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go try him out.' So the intrepid Bellfield boy goes over, and thinking he wont know anything about scottish football, asks 'Who won the 1997 Scottish Cup final?' 'Kilmarnock' replies the Memory man almost immediatly. 'Who did they beat?' 'Falkirk' was the reply. 'What was the score then?' '1-0', 'Who scored the winning goal?' 'Paul Wright' was the old mans' reply.
The young scot was knocked out by this and on his return home told everyone about the truly amazing Memory man whom he met on holiday.
A few years later he returned to the USA and remembering his meeting with the Memory man decided to revisit the same bar to see if this impressive man was still alive. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. With the greatest of respect for the old man the killie boy decided to greet the indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the traditional indian greeting 'How'.



The Memory man replied....................'right foot shot from a corner in the 21st minute'.

Ah, the old ones are the best ones right enuff.

[psyc0diver]

Answering Machine Message at the Mental Health Institute

"Hello and Welcome to the Mental Health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, if doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696996699696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 – if you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

[Sheepman]

Heard on radio 4 yesterday:-

What goes 99 bonk, 99 bonk, 99 bonk?

A Welshman counting sheep.

Sorry Steve

Greg

[xSalsa_Angelx]

Originally posted by Sandy
Your jokes made me laugh out loud!

Now who are you Salsa Angel??? Do you go on a Tuesday to Aberdeen class?? Will you be there tonight??

Sandy

Just got this post now Sandy, I have met you before in O Donaghues, I am the the one with long red hair down to my ass like my avatar..!!!

[Pammy]

Just go this and thought I'd share it.

[Martin]

OK so my mum used to teach 6 year olds, she came out with some crackers...

even though I am now slightly older I still love this one (the child in me...)

Man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, the monkey reaches over and swipes the cap off the other man standing at the bar and munches it to pieces then puts it back on the mans head.
The guy at the bar says, "hey mate, your monkey just munched my cap up"
The man with the monkey says "f**k off not my problem".
Man at the bar says "hey mate I don't like your attitude!"
Man with monkey - "It's not my attitude, it's your hat he chewed"

[TheTramp]

Originally posted by Pammy
Just go this and thought I'd share it.

So then Pammy. Would an appropriate title for that picture be:

The beginning (and end) of Jimmy's attempt to start up a Polar Big Band.

Steve