Jokes

[Geordieed]

I read this, this morning and thought it was really funny.


> > >According to the Alaska Department of Fish and
> > Game, both male and
> > >female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each
> > year.
> > >
> > >Males drop their antlers at the beginning of
> > winter, usually late
> > >November
> > >to December. Females retain their antlers 'til
> > after they give birth
> > >in the spring.
> > >
> > >Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition
> > depicting Santa's
> > >reindeer,
> > >EVERY single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen,
> > had to be female.
> > >We should've known.
> > >
> > >ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
> > red
> > >velvet suit all around the world in one night and
> > not get lost

[Forte]

Originally posted by TheTramp
So then Pammy. Would an appropriate title for that picture be:

The beginning (and end) of Jimmy's attempt to start up a Polar Big Band.

Steve

[Bardsey]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
> > >
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I
got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I
cuckooed another 9 times.
> > >
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
> > >
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I
told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> > >
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh no', cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and f*rted."

[Martin]

Originally posted by Bardsey
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
> > >
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I
got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I
cuckooed another 9 times.
> > >
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
> > >
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I
told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> > >
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh no', cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and f*rted."

Maybe it's 3:30 am in Aussie, maybe I'm half (or fully cut) BUT this one is really funny, can I use it to e-mail my friends over in Aussie Land?

Marty

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by Martin
Maybe it's 3:30 am in Aussie, maybe I'm half (or fully cut) BUT this one is really funny, can I use it to e-mail my friends over in Aussie Land?

Marty

Be my guest, Marty. Glad you liked it!

Jill

[Pammy]

Faster than a falling nut! Stronger than a possum! Able to leap short bushes in a single bound!...

[Pammy]

I liked this one

[TheTramp]

I thought that this one was pretty funny

Steve

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by TheTramp
I thought that this one was pretty funny

Steve

Don't get it! Looks okay to me!

[TheTramp]

Originally posted by Bardsey
Don't get it! Looks okay to me!

Yes. But you are blonde

Steve

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by TheTramp
Yes. But you are blonde

Steve

This is true!

[Will]

Where does Sadam Hussain keep his CD's? In A Rack.

[psyc0diver]

The Reason Blonde Jokes Will Never Go Away

This is a True Story, if she had killed herself she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a woman, who happened to be blonde, and new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by psyc0diver
The Reason Blonde Jokes Will Never Go Away

I'm getting tired of blonde jokes now......think I'll go dye my hair !

[psyc0diver]

Originally posted by Bardsey
I'm getting tired of blonde jokes now......think I'll go dye my hair !

Heres an Aberdeen one then

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by psyc0diver
Heres an Aberdeen one then

Good one!

[Dance Demon]

Originally posted by psyc0diver
Heres an Aberdeen one then

Aha...obviously the master of quick wit & ready repartee

[psyc0diver]

Originally posted by Dance Demon
Aha...obviously the master of quick wit & ready repartee

Yeah - being in Aberdeen he was likely to have the red nose

[TheTramp]

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a manage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and one look at the endless ocean. And then started swimming.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other, while the Greek woman cooks and cleans for them.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting any either.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.


Steve

[TheTramp]

Distressed Widow

When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow, his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"

The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok".

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid, deid".

The clerk feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.

The clerk then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale £1000"

Steve