Jokes - Page 2

**Gus** · 8th-January-2003, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Gus

So who stole it .... Intelligent Man, Intelligent woman or Santa Claus?

The answer is obvious ... Intelligent Man ..... the other two are merely mythical creatures!

....Gus now registers for a false passport and leaves the country for somehwere safe to avoid retribution......

**Gus** · 8th-January-2003, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DavidB
The man. The other two don't exist.

OY ... who's stealing my punchiline .... and YOU KNOW a certain lady who is going to make you pay for this act of bravado ... was it worth it?

**DavidB** · 8th-January-2003, 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Gus
and YOU KNOW a certain lady who is going to make you pay for this act of bravado ... was it worth it?

She will beat me up anyway...

**Gus** · 8th-January-2003, 01:37 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DavidB
She will beat me up anyway...

I'm getting worried about you I think you're getting to like it

Anyway ... who told me women were non-violent and non-agressive .... seems like anytime I disagreed with any of the Female Terror Squad at the weekend (i.e. Sheena Heather, Helen, Sarah) they expressed their point of view with acts of wanton violence.... or is it just me?

**Will** · 8th-January-2003, 01:46 PM

I hear-by officially dis-associate myself from the above joke, that it is not the SLIGHTEST bit funny or amusing.... that I don't even know and have never met DavidB or Gus... and officially protest at the above joke. I do now hope the forum moderator will deal with these 2 vagrants in the harsh way that they deserve...

Despite what DISGUSTING innuendo's that Gus' joke and DavidB's comments suggest, I personally want to go on record and CATAGORICALLY refute what those idiots are implying as I HAVE PERSONALLY MET SANTA CLAUS!

Yours Sincerely,

Will

**Gus** · 8th-January-2003, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Will

Despite what DISGUSTING innuendo's that Gus' joke and DavidB's comments suggest, I personally want to go on record and CATAGORICALLY refute what those idiots are implying as I HAVE PERSONALLY MET SANTA CLAUS!

Yours Sincerely,

Will

Will ... congratulations on your 100th posting ... and in such style ... and may borrow some of your medication ... looks like its goooood stuff

**Will** · 8th-January-2003, 01:55 PM

Thankyou Gus (You Santa Murderer :reallymad ) I hadn't noticed that. Nice one.

**Steven** · 8th-January-2003, 02:24 PM

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who
want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Thought this was brilliant!!

Steven

**Steven** · 8th-January-2003, 02:26 PM

Another slightly cleaner joke!

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet fussed the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird.

The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ..... dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!, "she cried, "£150 just to tell me my bird is dead.!!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan......"

Cheers
Steven

**Steven** · 8th-January-2003, 02:29 PM

I am possibly taking a risk posting a blonde joke but I will take my chances.

THE FEMALE BOSS ...

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave
right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early ?
The brunette was thrilled to go home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a noise from inside. Slowly and quietly,
she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss ! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Alfie · 8th-January-2003, 05:59 PM

A Brunette walked into the doctors coplaining of being in pain all over her body.
" Impossible said the Doctor, Show me"
"Look" said the Brunette and pressed her elbow and cried out in pain.
She then pressed on her thigh, again crying out in pain.
"See" said the Brunette
"Show me again" said the Doctor.
The Brunette then pressed her knee crying out in pain again.
The Doctor looked very closely at her and said "You're a blond really aren't you?"
"Yes " said the brunette. "How did you know?"
" You have broken your finger!!" said the Doctor

**Tiggerbabe** · 8th-January-2003, 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Gus

seems like anytime I disagreed with any of the Female Terror Squad at the weekend (i.e. Sheena Heather, Helen, Sarah) they expressed their point of view with acts of wanton violence.... or is it just me?

FEMALE TERROR SQUAD EH?????? And didn't you just LOVE it ?

And anyway you know you were "wanton" all the attention.........

**Steven** · 9th-January-2003, 01:01 PM

Here is my joke for today:

Irishman Drunk and Falling Down

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell
flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

TheTramp · 9th-January-2003, 01:14 PM

Very funny. I like that one Steven!!

Steve

**Lou** · 31st-January-2003, 05:40 PM

Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to greet the first and the chap replies:

"FAIR fa' your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain e' the puddin'.race!

Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe, or thairm:

Weel are ye wordy o' a grace

As lang 's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty,

Wi bickering brattle!

I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,

Wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. A mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

TheTramp · 4th-February-2003, 12:02 PM

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Man U fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the Man U fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.

"I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the Man U fan and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

The Man U fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.

The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.

>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It was the cow and the pig.

filthycute · 5th-February-2003, 12:34 PM

A Man walks into a pub carrying an octopus. He claimed this octopus was like no other and in fact a very talented musician.
None of the locals believed him so he gave them a challenge.
"You give him any instument you want and if he can play it you owe me 50 quid. If he can't, i'll give you 50 quid."
One guy steps forward and hands the octopus a guitar. The octopus strums on the guitar, doing his best slade impersonation. The guy was stunned and handed over his 50 quid.
Next up a guy hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus was better then Louis Armstrong! Another stunned punter and another 50 quid.
Then a scottish guy handed the octopus a set of bagpipes. Puzzled the octopus turned it upside down, flipped it around and looked at it strangely.
"AHHH" said the scotsman....."I knew he wouldn't be able to play it!"

The octopus replied...."Play it???? ....I'm gonna f*** it when i figure out how to get it's pjamas off!!!!"

ooops! maybe a little too cheeky

filthycute x x

TheTramp · 5th-February-2003, 05:17 PM

Quote:

ooops! maybe a little too cheeky

Mel. Would we expect any less??

Steve

*Dance Demon* · 6th-February-2003, 07:58 PM

How many Man. U . supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

20,001

One to change the bulb , and 20,000 to drive up from London to watch him do it!!!!!!!

DD

Alfie · 7th-February-2003, 08:58 PM

Mummy and Baby Polar bear sitting out on an Ice Flow.

Baby;"Mum, am I really a Polar Bear?"

Mum;"Yes Son."

Baby;"Are you sure?"

Mum;"Yes Son."

Baby:"I'm not a Brown Bear?"

Mum:"No Son"

Baby;"I'm not a Grizzily Bear Then?"

Mum;"No Son."

Baby;"So there is no chance of me being a Panda then?"

Mum;"No Son , Why do you ask?"

Baby;" I just wondered."

Mum;"Why's That then?"

Baby:"Coz I'm F#!*ing FREEZING!!!!!!"

8th-January-2003, 01:46 PM	#25 (permalink)
Will Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: London Posts: 1,419 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 557	AN OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM WILL I hear-by officially dis-associate myself from the above joke, that it is not the SLIGHTEST bit funny or amusing.... that I don't even know and have never met DavidB or Gus... and officially protest at the above joke. I do now hope the forum moderator will deal with these 2 vagrants in the harsh way that they deserve... Despite what DISGUSTING innuendo's that Gus' joke and DavidB's comments suggest, I personally want to go on record and CATAGORICALLY refute what those idiots are implying as I HAVE PERSONALLY MET SANTA CLAUS! Yours Sincerely, Will

7th-February-2003, 08:58 PM	#40 (permalink)
Alfie Registered User Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Stourbridge,West Midlands Posts: 240 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 16	With ref to the recent cold spell Mummy and Baby Polar bear sitting out on an Ice Flow. Baby;"Mum, am I really a Polar Bear?" Mum;"Yes Son." Baby;"Are you sure?" Mum;"Yes Son." Baby:"I'm not a Brown Bear?" Mum:"No Son" Baby;"I'm not a Grizzily Bear Then?" Mum;"No Son." Baby;"So there is no chance of me being a Panda then?" Mum;"No Son , Why do you ask?" Baby;" I just wondered." Mum;"Why's That then?" Baby:"Coz I'm F#!*ing FREEZING!!!!!!"

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8th-January-2003, 01:55 PM	#27 (permalink)
Will Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: London Posts: 1,419 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 557	Thankyou Gus (You Santa Murderer :reallymad ) I hadn't noticed that. Nice one.

8th-January-2003, 02:24 PM	#28 (permalink)
Steven Taxi Dancer Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 157 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 10	A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen." Thought this was brilliant!! Steven

8th-January-2003, 02:26 PM	#29 (permalink)
Steven Taxi Dancer Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 157 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 10	Another slightly cleaner joke! A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet fussed the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ..... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!, "she cried, "£150 just to tell me my bird is dead.!!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan......" Cheers Steven

8th-January-2003, 02:29 PM	#30 (permalink)
Steven Taxi Dancer Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 157 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 10	I am possibly taking a risk posting a blonde joke but I will take my chances. THE FEMALE BOSS ... Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early ? The brunette was thrilled to go home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss ! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

8th-January-2003, 05:59 PM	#31 (permalink)
Alfie Registered User Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Stourbridge,West Midlands Posts: 240 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 16	A Brunette walked into the doctors coplaining of being in pain all over her body. " Impossible said the Doctor, Show me" "Look" said the Brunette and pressed her elbow and cried out in pain. She then pressed on her thigh, again crying out in pain. "See" said the Brunette "Show me again" said the Doctor. The Brunette then pressed her knee crying out in pain again. The Doctor looked very closely at her and said "You're a blond really aren't you?" "Yes " said the brunette. "How did you know?" " You have broken your finger!!" said the Doctor

9th-January-2003, 01:01 PM	#33 (permalink)
Steven Taxi Dancer Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 157 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 10	Here is my joke for today: Irishman Drunk and Falling Down An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

9th-January-2003, 01:14 PM	#34 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,431 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1667	Very funny. I like that one Steven!! Steve

31st-January-2003, 05:40 PM	#35 (permalink)
Lou Not a spoon! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Holby Posts: 3,147 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 1320	Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first and the chap replies: "FAIR fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin'.race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace As lang 's my arm." Tony, being somewhat confused goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit." The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!" Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

4th-February-2003, 12:02 PM	#36 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,431 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1667	One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Man U fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the Man U fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." "No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the Man U fan and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." The Man U fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. >>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> It was the cow and the pig.

5th-February-2003, 12:34 PM	#37 (permalink)
filthycute Registered User Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 771 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 83	A Man walks into a pub carrying an octopus. He claimed this octopus was like no other and in fact a very talented musician. None of the locals believed him so he gave them a challenge. "You give him any instument you want and if he can play it you owe me 50 quid. If he can't, i'll give you 50 quid." One guy steps forward and hands the octopus a guitar. The octopus strums on the guitar, doing his best slade impersonation. The guy was stunned and handed over his 50 quid. Next up a guy hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus was better then Louis Armstrong! Another stunned punter and another 50 quid. Then a scottish guy handed the octopus a set of bagpipes. Puzzled the octopus turned it upside down, flipped it around and looked at it strangely. "AHHH" said the scotsman....."I knew he wouldn't be able to play it!" The octopus replied...."Play it???? ....I'm gonna f*** it when i figure out how to get it's pjamas off!!!!" ooops! maybe a little too cheeky filthycute x x

6th-February-2003, 07:58 PM	#39 (permalink)
Dance Demon Commercial Operator Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,493 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 776	How many Man. U . supporters does it take to change a light bulb? 20,001 One to change the bulb , and 20,000 to drive up from London to watch him do it!!!!!!! DD

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