Jokes - Page 22

**Bardsey** · 15th-January-2004, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by TheTramp
Bad Day:

Steve

CJ · 15th-January-2004, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by stewart38
I went to bed last night with a pencil

Did you hear about the constapated mathematician?!?

He used a pencil to work it out.

**Lory** · 15th-January-2004, 12:08 PM

Harold Shipman...

Coroners for Wakefield prison have given there verdict..

they said he died cos he ran out of 'patients'!

.................................................. ................................................

Commenting on Shipmans death, the prison Govenor said, he would be missed by the boxing team.... as he had **** 'Leathal Jab'!

**Lory** · 15th-January-2004, 12:16 PM

He came to me one night...........

explored my body......

licked.......

sucked.......

swallowed.....

& had his fill...

Satified, he left!

I was hurt....

B*****Y MOSQUITO!

stewart38 · 16th-January-2004, 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lory
Harold Shipman...

Coroners for Wakefield prison have given there verdict..

they said he died cos he ran out of 'patients'!

.................................................. ................................................

Commenting on Shipmans death, the prison Govenor said, he would be missed by the boxing team.... as he had **** 'Leathal Jab'!

Not 'funny'

*Dance Demon* · 16th-January-2004, 01:37 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by stewart38
Not 'funny'

Bit like most of your " jokes" then stewart.......

**Bardsey** · 16th-January-2004, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Dance Demon
Bit like most of your " jokes" then stewart.......

Now now boys, calm down, calm down (sound like the Scousers there, don't I?)

stewart38 · 16th-January-2004, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Dance Demon
Bit like most of your " jokes" then stewart.......

'Most' is an improvment on 'all' my jokes

My ex thought I was a joke so not sure what the problem is ?

I'm taking the £4.99 big joke book back

*Dance Demon* · 16th-January-2004, 05:38 PM

Hollywood have expressed an interest in making a film of the Harold Shipman case, They want robert De Niro to play the lead part............the film wil be called..........THE OLD DEAR HUNTER!!!!!

Debster · 19th-January-2004, 12:11 PM

By coincidence a non-dancing Aussie just sent me this and it made me think of the forum (I almost feel I should apologise about that), just had to post it....

3 scottish sisters went out to buy new shoes. Mary size 8, Annie size 8 and Fanny size 10. They went dancing that night and while Annie and Mary were up dancing a guy commented on what big feet they both had. Annie said "if you think our feet are big you should see the size of our Fannys!"

*Dance Demon* · 19th-January-2004, 03:37 PM

Blonde Essex Girl decides to look for work doing odd jobs. She knocks on the door of a big house and asks if they have any odd jobs needing done. the man of the house asks her how much she would charge to paint the porch. "Ill do it for fifty quid she replies. Ok he says , the paint, brushes and ladders are in the shed. The guy tells his wife that the girl is painting the porch for £50. God that's cheap she says, does she know that the porch goes right round the house?..she must do he replies, she was standing on it when we spoke. An hour later, the girl knocks on the door. I'm finished she says, and I had enough paint to give it two coats............oh and by the way, thats not a Porsch....it's a Ferrari

stewart38 · 19th-January-2004, 04:24 PM

I use to run a boarding house at the top of a steep hill

I remember an incident that occurred on a cold Christmas night in 2002

It was 3am and I heard this knock on the door

I was annoyed as I was tucked up in my warm bed (with someone I can't remember now)

I tried to ignore this knocking at the front door but it was persistent

I went down stairs and open the door and shouted "who is there" ?

I couldn't see anyone closed the door and went back to bed

Again more knocking so I went downstairs and open the door and shouted, "who is there" ?. I heard this little voice which said "excuse me mister have you got any rooms for the night".

I looked down and saw a small snail !

Annoyed and irritated I kicked the snail off down the hill and went back to bed

A year later come Christmas 2003 again on a cold night at 3am I heard another knock on the door

Going down stairs I open the door and there was the small snail who said

"I take thats a no then" ?

**Bardsey** · 21st-January-2004, 11:43 AM

Subject: Dead Parrot
>
>
>
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are
you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."
>
>
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a
few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked
on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
>
>
The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The
cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back,
shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
>
>
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your
parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead."
>
>
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill which he handed to the woman.
>
>
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried.
"£150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
>
>
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have
been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan... what did you
expect?"

**Dreadful Scathe** · 21st-January-2004, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by stewart38
"I take thats a no then" ?

I just dont get it - if he took a year to come back as you seem to suggest, where was he sleeping at night ? He must WANT somewhere to sleep if he turned up in the first place. Not only that, but if he truthfully assumed that being kicked down the street was equivalent to 'no we dont have any rooms' why did he come back a year later to say this ? Unless he means to AGAIN ask for a room - but the finality of the previous refusal suggests that this would be futile. I think we must assume that the snail quite happily got on with his life in the intervening year and only came back a year later to resolve the pent up anger from the unprovoked assault. Logically, this has to be true given the facts as presented and this is not therefore a joke, merely a brief look at a possible human/snail soap opera.

...Unless you argue that the illogical assumption that snails can talk in the first place means that nothing can be assumed to be logical in this instance. In which case we COULD be expected to believe that the snail did indeed spend a year crawling back up the hill to carry on the same conversation from the year before. Fairly heroically too, as not only would the initial kick and roll down the hill be painful, the journey back up the hill suggests great strength of character on the part of our snail ! And thats not to mention the deadpan delivery of the 'punchline' when he overcomes the undoubtedly strenuous voyage back. So, overall, a joke to be applauded. Lets hear it for funny snails overcoming adversity.

**Bardsey** · 21st-January-2004, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
I just dont get it - if he took a year to come back as you seem to suggest, where was he sleeping at night ?
...Unless you argue that the illogical assumption that snails can talk in the first place

I think you should seriously think about taking councelling!!

**Lory** · 21st-January-2004, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
Lets hear it for funny snails overcoming adversity.

stewart38 · 22nd-January-2004, 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
I just dont get it - if he took a year to come back as you seem to suggest, where was he sleeping at night ? He must WANT somewhere to sleep if he turned up in the first place

According to a recent pole 75% of Californian College students who attended a 'singles weekend', who ask for a 'bed for the night' had no intention of sleeping.:sorry

Would the joke have worked better if it had been a salmon there well known for going back to the same place each year but not for being slow?

Funny thing is I had spare bed ready for the snail in Christmas 2003 he is due to actually take occuapancy by the end of this month when he reaches the room on the 3rd flloor ?

**Dreadful Scathe** · 22nd-January-2004, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by stewart38
According to a recent pole 75% ..snip

Speaking of poles .... try this fabulous south pole based penguin baseball game here . Its one of those funny langauges - but basically find the yeti with the baseball bat, click the mouse on him and the penguin will fall, click again and go for distance- you have 311.6 to beat so far

just refresh your browser page to play again

TheTramp · 22nd-January-2004, 04:23 PM

314.7

Steve

ChrisA · 22nd-January-2004, 04:28 PM

15th-January-2004, 12:08 PM	#423 (permalink)
Lory Forum Bombshell - Our Queen! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: North London Posts: 7,064 Status: nervous Blog Entries: 2 Rep Power: 6 Rep.: 3064	Harold Shipman... Coroners for Wakefield prison have given there verdict.. they said he died cos he ran out of 'patients'! .................................................. ................................................ Commenting on Shipmans death, the prison Govenor said, he would be missed by the boxing team.... as he had **** 'Leathal Jab'! __________________ "If you're going to do something tonight, that you know you'll be sorry for in the morning, plan a lie in." Lorraine

15th-January-2004, 12:16 PM	#424 (permalink)
Lory Forum Bombshell - Our Queen! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: North London Posts: 7,064 Status: nervous Blog Entries: 2 Rep Power: 6 Rep.: 3064	He came to me one night........... explored my body...... licked....... sucked....... swallowed..... & had his fill... Satified, he left! I was hurt.... B*Y MOSQUITO! __________________ "If you're going to do something tonight, that you know you'll be sorry for in the morning, plan a lie in." Lorraine

21st-January-2004, 11:43 AM	#433 (permalink)
Bardsey Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Leeds Posts: 1,596 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 50	Not sure if we've had this before...... Subject: Dead Parrot > > > A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." > > The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. > > The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. > > The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead." > > He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. > > The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" > > The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan... what did you expect?" __________________ "No chance to romance, so I'll just have to dance"!

22nd-January-2004, 04:23 PM	#439 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,496 Status: No Status Rep Power: 6 Rep.: 1710	314.7 Steve __________________ "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it". (Attributed to Voltaire). Caveat: But reserve the right to tell you if what you say is a load of crap!

16th-January-2004, 05:38 PM	#429 (permalink)
Dance Demon Commercial Operator Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,564 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 806	Hollywood have expressed an interest in making a film of the Harold Shipman case, They want robert De Niro to play the lead part............the film wil be called..........THE OLD DEAR HUNTER!!!!!

19th-January-2004, 12:11 PM	#430 (permalink)
Debster Registered User Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Christchurch, NZ Posts: 314 Status: No Status Rep Power: 4 Rep.: 32	By coincidence a non-dancing Aussie just sent me this and it made me think of the forum (I almost feel I should apologise about that), just had to post it.... 3 scottish sisters went out to buy new shoes. Mary size 8, Annie size 8 and Fanny size 10. They went dancing that night and while Annie and Mary were up dancing a guy commented on what big feet they both had. Annie said "if you think our feet are big you should see the size of our Fannys!"

19th-January-2004, 03:37 PM	#431 (permalink)
Dance Demon Commercial Operator Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,564 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 806	Blonde Essex Girl decides to look for work doing odd jobs. She knocks on the door of a big house and asks if they have any odd jobs needing done. the man of the house asks her how much she would charge to paint the porch. "Ill do it for fifty quid she replies. Ok he says , the paint, brushes and ladders are in the shed. The guy tells his wife that the girl is painting the porch for £50. God that's cheap she says, does she know that the porch goes right round the house?..she must do he replies, she was standing on it when we spoke. An hour later, the girl knocks on the door. I'm finished she says, and I had enough paint to give it two coats............oh and by the way, thats not a Porsch....it's a Ferrari

19th-January-2004, 04:24 PM	#432 (permalink)
stewart38 Registered User Join Date: May 2003 Location: Ambrosden it gets dark at night so suits me Posts: 6,612 Status: No Status Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 1817	I use to run a boarding house at the top of a steep hill I remember an incident that occurred on a cold Christmas night in 2002 It was 3am and I heard this knock on the door I was annoyed as I was tucked up in my warm bed (with someone I can't remember now) I tried to ignore this knocking at the front door but it was persistent I went down stairs and open the door and shouted "who is there" ? I couldn't see anyone closed the door and went back to bed Again more knocking so I went downstairs and open the door and shouted, "who is there" ?. I heard this little voice which said "excuse me mister have you got any rooms for the night". I looked down and saw a small snail ! Annoyed and irritated I kicked the snail off down the hill and went back to bed A year later come Christmas 2003 again on a cold night at 3am I heard another knock on the door Going down stairs I open the door and there was the small snail who said "I take thats a no then" ?

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