Jokes

[bobgadjet]

Originally posted by Bardsey
Subject: Dead Parrot

Probably the best one I've read for a L O N G time

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by bobgadjet
Probably the best one I've read for a L O N G time

We're obviously on the same dodgy wavelength, Bob

[bobgadjet]

Originally posted by Bardsey
We're obviously on the same dodgy wavelength, Bob

Reading thru some of the older stuff on this thread, I think so.
Hope we get a chance to swap notes sometime

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by bobgadjet
Reading thru some of the older stuff on this thread, I think so.
Hope we get a chance to swap notes sometime

You can bank on it! BB ? Blackpool? Southport? Bound to meet somewhere....

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by Bardsey
Well observed!!

RETRACTION

Just been pointed out to me, nicely and quite rightly, that this is in complete bad taste! Sorry

[Bardsey]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all
of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling
screams. "Oh my God" says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "she's just having her head drilled
o fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

[Stuart]

Did you hear about the man who fell into the machine at the upholsterers?







He's fully recovered!

[Rachel]

Originally posted by Bardsey
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. ...

Fantastic!!! Have to print this out to show Marc- he'll love it!
Rachle

[bobgadjet]

Originally posted by Bardsey
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
v
v
v
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

Two gay guys, Julian and Sandy, went to heaven. Although they had both had really naughty sex lives, St Peter reluctantly let them in with warnings....
1/ If they think about sex with the opposite sex, their wings would fall off.
2/ If they think about sex with the same sex, they would fall through their cloud.

They both agreed to behave as their misbehaviour is well in their past.
As they floated around heaven on their lovely fluffy cloud they saw all sorts of people floating by on their own fluffy clouds.
As Marilyn Monroe floated by, Julians wings fell off, so he bent down to pick them up, and Sandy fell through his cloud.

[Sheepman]

A headline recently see on Ceefax

"Man found dead in cemetery"

No way!

Greg

[Pammy]

This cracked me up - just looked what languages they speak in Slovenia as Easyjet are now flying there for 4.99 each way

This was the useful advice they gave - note: these are the only four things you are likely to need to say on your visit...

*****
Conversational phrases given here anticipate situations you are likely to encounter, with comments on customs and lifestyle providing the necessary background information.

Good morning - Dobro jutro (before 8 a.m.).
May I introduce myself - Dovolite, da se predstavim.
soft boiled egg - mehko kuhano jajce
Close the window! - Zaprite okno! / Zapri okno!

[bobgadjet]

Originally posted by Pammy
This cracked me up - just looked what languages they speak in Slovenia as Easyjet are now flying there for 4.99 each way

This was the useful advice they gave - note: these are the only four things you are likely to need to say on your visit...

*****
Conversational phrases given here anticipate situations you are likely to encounter, with comments on customs and lifestyle providing the necessary background information.

Good morning - Dobro jutro (before 8 a.m.).
May I introduce myself - Dovolite, da se predstavim.
soft boiled egg - mehko kuhano jajce
Close the window! - Zaprite okno! / Zapri okno!

Wot, No tea, No toast, No jam ?
What is the world coming to ?

[Stuart]

An elderly man went to his doctor and said " Doctor, I think I'm going senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up".

"That's not senility" replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down".

[bobgadjet]

Originally posted by Stuart
An elderly man went to his doctor and said " Doctor, I think I'm going senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up".

"That's not senility" replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down".

[bobgadjet]

Hard of hearing, fairly thick woman goes to doctors for check-up.
"Yes" he says "I'm glad to say you are pregnant, and what's more, you are going to have triplets"
The old dear goes home and says to her husband when he asks how she got on...
"Oh, well, OK. He said I'm going to have piglets"

The husband was aghast, upset, bewildered, and very annoyed to say the least.
He went straight out the door and down to the doctors surgery, burst into the doctors office, unzipped his flies, got his J.T. out on the desk in front of the doctor table and said ...
"what do you think this is, a pork sausage?"

[Martin]

Another Penguin / yeti game to try

http://www.iroute.org/ysp2.swf

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by Martin
Another Penguin / yeti game to try

http://www.iroute.org/ysp2.swf

Great fun! Took a while for me to get the hang of it, hence the probably pitiful score of 273.8 (I think that's right.........mmm better go have another go to check and see)

[Bardsey]

Ok Martin, 445.2 now. What's your score?

[Martin]

Originally posted by Bardsey
Ok Martin, 445.2 now. What's your score?

Mine was truely so pityful - nowhere near the bulls-eye, can't remember BUT far less than 445.2

Got a joke though...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.
The egg, looking a bit ****ed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

[Lory]

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Wotsits."