Jokes - Page 3

**pennyb** · 10th-February-2003, 01:17 PM

A young boy goes up to his dad and asks "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

"Well son," says the boys father "ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, then come and tell me what you've learned."

So the boy asks his mother and she says "Oh yes, I'd be crazy to pass up an opportunity like that." Then the boy asks his sister and she says "Brad Pitt? I'd sleep with him for free. The million pounds would be the icing on the cake."

The boy mulls this over for a few days and then goes to see his father.

"So son," says his father "what have you learned?"

"Well," said the son. "Potentially we're sitting on two million quid but realistically we're living with a pair of slappers."

"That's my boy!"

*Dance Demon* · 12th-February-2003, 05:21 PM

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

DD

TheTramp · 12th-February-2003, 05:36 PM

Quote:

"Well son," says the boys father "ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, then come and tell me what you've learned."

Well. I am in a movie with Robert Redford and Brad Pitt

Was employed last year to be a dance extra for the movie 'Spygame'. Unfortunately, they cut the dance bit, but if you look really closely, you can just see me in the background for a very, very short part of one scene. Of course, if you didn't know it was me, you wouldn't be able to guess.

But I know

Steve

**Tiggerbabe** · 14th-February-2003, 09:22 PM

Ok guys - today's joke as told to me by my "BIG" boss..............

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a
torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father,
shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another
drink!"

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!!!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks
God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.......then to the
right...... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck
runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
.... "He should've quit while he was a head!"

**Steven** · 4th-March-2003, 11:11 AM

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you
help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring with rain!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

**Tiggerbabe** · 4th-March-2003, 07:30 PM

TheTramp · 12th-March-2003, 11:19 AM

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he worked for Apple, and would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Steve

Edited to stay out of Franck's good books (See below post)

Sal · 12th-March-2003, 11:54 AM

You are trying to get into Franck's good books by slating Microsoft!

TheTramp · 12th-March-2003, 12:01 PM

Ummmm. That must be it. Or not

Steve

**Franck** · 12th-March-2003, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by TheTramp
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Steve

Edited to stay out of Franck's good books (See below post)

Hey!

But the plane would look damn good

Taking delivery of my new imac today... Can't wait!

Franck.

**Emma** · 12th-March-2003, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Franck

Taking delivery of my new imac today... Can't wait!

Franck.

Show off!!!

TheTramp · 12th-March-2003, 12:15 PM

Yeah. They do look damn good.

I guess that they had to have something going for them though

Steve

**Graham** · 12th-March-2003, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by TheTramp
Yeah. They do look damn good.

I guess that they had to have something going for them though

Steve

They're also quite easy to use. That's probably why they sell a lot in the US and France

**Franck** · 12th-March-2003, 12:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by TheTramp
Yeah. They do look damn good.

I guess that they had to have something going for them though

Don't worry Steve, I know you're just saying that because you wish you had one too

In fact, as I was typing that, the doorbell rang and my new shiny imac is here

So I might not post for a while, as I open the box and admire it!

Franck.

Sal · 12th-March-2003, 01:38 PM

Which implies that it is no good to use if you can only look at it!

TheTramp · 12th-March-2003, 01:41 PM

Hey Sal.

That's not true.

It's great on a coffee table.

Or maybe on the mantlepiece!!

And as for actively using it. How about as a doorstop. Or 2 of them, as bookends?!?

Steve

PeterL · 12th-March-2003, 02:06 PM

PeterL · 12th-March-2003, 02:09 PM

How come when I posted the above in the test area the image showed. but when I posted it in this thread it showed a link?

**Will** · 12th-March-2003, 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by PeterL
How come when I posted the above in the test area the image showed. but when I posted it in this thread it showed a link?

This is what I was saying to you in the car on the way back from Fleet on Saturday night Franck.

**Will** · 12th-March-2003, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Franck
Hey! But the plane would look damn good

Taking delivery of my new imac today... Can't wait!

Franck.

Look good? Why? Because it's had all it's hair removed???

12th-March-2003, 11:19 AM	#47 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he worked for Apple, and would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off. Steve Edited to stay out of Franck's good books (See below post) Last edited by TheTramp : 12th-March-2003 at 12:03 PM.

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Jokes - Page 14 - Ceroc Scotland Forum

10th-February-2003, 01:17 PM	#41 (permalink)
pennyb Ceroc Teacher Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Solihull Posts: 42 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 32	A young boy goes up to his dad and asks "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?" "Well son," says the boys father "ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, then come and tell me what you've learned." So the boy asks his mother and she says "Oh yes, I'd be crazy to pass up an opportunity like that." Then the boy asks his sister and she says "Brad Pitt? I'd sleep with him for free. The million pounds would be the icing on the cake." The boy mulls this over for a few days and then goes to see his father. "So son," says his father "what have you learned?" "Well," said the son. "Potentially we're sitting on two million quid but realistically we're living with a pair of slappers." "That's my boy!"

12th-February-2003, 05:21 PM	#42 (permalink)
Dance Demon Commercial Operator Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,523 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 783	The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray. DD

14th-February-2003, 09:22 PM	#44 (permalink)
Tiggerbabe Omnipotent Moderator Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Monifieth, Bonny Dundee Posts: 5,190 Rep Power: 10 Reputation Total: 1609	Ok guys - today's joke as told to me by my "BIG" boss.............. A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.......then to the right...... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... "He should've quit while he was a head!"

4th-March-2003, 11:11 AM	#45 (permalink)
Steven Taxi Dancer Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 157 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 10	A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring with rain!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

4th-March-2003, 07:30 PM	#46 (permalink)
Tiggerbabe Omnipotent Moderator Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Monifieth, Bonny Dundee Posts: 5,190 Rep Power: 10 Reputation Total: 1609

12th-March-2003, 11:54 AM	#48 (permalink)
Sal Registered User Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: London Posts: 196 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 34	You are trying to get into Franck's good books by slating Microsoft!

12th-March-2003, 12:01 PM	#49 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	Ummmm. That must be it. Or not Steve

12th-March-2003, 12:15 PM	#52 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	Yeah. They do look damn good. I guess that they had to have something going for them though Steve

12th-March-2003, 01:38 PM	#55 (permalink)
Sal Registered User Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: London Posts: 196 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 34	Which implies that it is no good to use if you can only look at it!

12th-March-2003, 01:41 PM	#56 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	Hey Sal. That's not true. It's great on a coffee table. Or maybe on the mantlepiece!! And as for actively using it. How about as a doorstop. Or 2 of them, as bookends?!? Steve

12th-March-2003, 02:06 PM	#57 (permalink)
PeterL Chief Worrier Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Edinburgh Posts: 253 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 10

12th-March-2003, 02:09 PM	#58 (permalink)
PeterL Chief Worrier Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Edinburgh Posts: 253 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 10	How come when I posted the above in the test area the image showed. but when I posted it in this thread it showed a link?

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