Jokes

[StevanHogg]

The Knob



A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin top produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said,

"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee...."

[Bigger Andy]

NEWSFLASH !!

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:- "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Irish press reported the following:- "After digging as deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones."

[StevanHogg]

[Bigger Andy]

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.

The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

[Bigger Andy]

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to her hairdresser who responded, "Rome ? Why would anyone want to go to Rome ?” It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians ! You're crazy to want to go to Rome. So how are you getting there ?"

"We're taking Delta", was the reply. "We got a great rate." "Delta ?" exclaimed the hairdresser.

"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, dirty; their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place on Rome's left bank called the Teste.........."

"Say no more. I know the place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but its real a dump. The worst hotel in the city ! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So whatcha gonna do when you get there?"

"We're going to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look like an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again comes in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asks about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," exclaims the woman. "Not only were we right on time on one of Delta’s newest planes but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine was wonderful and I had the most handsome 28-year-old steward waiting on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great. They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked so they apologised and gave us the owner's suite at no extra charge !"

"Well, that's all well and good but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and exclaimed that the Pope likes to meet some of the tourists and if I would be so kind as to step into his private room the pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand ! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really ? What'd he say ?"

He said, “Where did you get that shabby hairdo ?"

[Bigger Andy]

A penis

When French born, J P Valles decided to retire from the corporate life, the Board of Directors and their wives threw a gala party in his honour. At the dinner table one of the Board members wife was talking with JP’s wife.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such a presence on the US and French business scene for so many years ! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years ?

"A penis," replied Mrs Valles.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer ... and no one knew what to say next.

JP leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe what I ‘zaid to tell zem is ‘zat we would be looking for 'appiness !"

[Stuart]

Management Speak

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in
Redmond,WA).

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might
encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping).

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be
used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
Company).

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel
Service).

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant
manager, Delco Corporation).

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let
you
know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
Manufacturing/3M Corp.).

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation).

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When
I
told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss
work
on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her
burial
to Friday He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive,
FTD
Florists).

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going
to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&! T Long
Lines
Division).

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He
said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited
until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)

[Bigger Andy]

The Three-Kick Rule.

A big-city lawyer, from Washington, D.C., went duck hunting in the South Carolina Low country. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell in to a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in South Carolina. Down here we settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "A Three Kick Rule. What is the Three-Kick Rule ?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three ! ! times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Bigger Andy]

Heiroglyphics.

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance :-

A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said :-

"This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family-oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish that means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots ! You are all wrong about what the writings say. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrew is not read from left to right, but from right to left. Look again. ... It now says :-

"Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman !"

[Stuart]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the Great Philosopher came upon an acquaintance who
ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard
about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The
first filter is TRUTH. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about
to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,
even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because
there is a third filter - the filter of USEFULNESS. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really ..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a
great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his
wife.

[Bigger Andy]

Weevils

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.

The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils !

[Bigger Andy]

A clever blonde ?

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000 ?"

The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return ?"

[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

A clever blonde ?

"

See? We blondes aren't THAT dumb!

[Bigger Andy]

Police Brutality ?!?!?

The SAS, the Army and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.

First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent" says the trainer.

Next up are the Army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Police, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling the theme to Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie: "sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in handcuffs. "What the hell do you think you're doing ?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago !"

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the **** ?" asks the seriously irate trainer. The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f*cking rabbit !"

[Bigger Andy]

How to get
Bigger Boobs !

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that that wasn't the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take ?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years ?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it ?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again !

[Lory]

Louis and Joyce were making passionate love in Louis's mini van when suddenly Joyce, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Louis, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Joyce until they both collapses in ecstasy.

About a week later, Joyce notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Joyce, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Louis (let alone that she allowed the kinky bas***d to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.


Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.

[Lory]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where

> she selected:

> a half-gallon of 2% milk,

> a carton of eggs,

> a quart of orange juice,

> a head of romaine lettuce,

> a 2 lb. can of coffee,

> and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

>

> As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to

> check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she

> placed the items in front of the cashier.

>

> While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the

> drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

>

> The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but

> she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since

> she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on

> the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about

> her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to

> her marital status.

>

> Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well,

> you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on

> earth did you know that?"

>

> The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly

[Lory]

The awful truth!

[Bigger Andy]

Holiday Home available.

Hi everyone,

I'm sure that most of you are aware that I have been living at home (crazy I know !) to save some money for a house deposit !

I haven't said anything about this before because I wanted to wait until everything worked out but, I've recently purchased a penthouse apartment on the South Coast as an investment property. The transfer came through earlier this week and I've held off telling any of you until it was finalised.

It is available to be rented for weekends (or weeks). I have attached a photo. I will handle all the initial bookings myself, while I find an appropriate Estate Agent to manage the property. Weekends will cost approximately £100 (friends and family rate) for two nights, and £250 for the week.

Please let me know if you are interested.

Cheers.

Andy.

[Sheepman]

Surely this one must have originated in Scotland (or France )

In order to assist other motorists in identifying potentially
dangerous drivers, it is now compulsory for anyone with a lower than
average driving ability to display a warning flag.

The flag (consisting of a red cross on a white background) and will be
attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.

For drivers of exceptionally low ability, additional flags are
required.

Greg