Jokes

[POPPET]

[quote=TheTramp]Hmmmm.... I think it's about time someone started a thread for everyone to put their favourite jokes. I'll get the ball rolling with a topical one...



Newsflash from DVLA

In order to assist other motorists in identifying potentially dangerous
drivers, it's now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and
driving ability to display a warning flag. The flag (comprising of a red
cross on a white background) will be attached to the top of at least one
door of their vehicle. For drivers of exceptionally low ability,
additional flags are required.

Be Affraid!

[Sheepman]

Originally Posted by POPPET

Newsflash from DVLA [/b]

Hey Poppet, courting negative rep by repeating my previous post!

I can't do it this time though, especially as the forum has been offline.

Greg

[POPPET]

Originally Posted by Sheepman

Hey Poppet, courting negative rep by repeating my previous post!

I can't do it this time though, especially as the forum has been offline.

Greg

We missed each other by 4 mins difference posting that! then site went offline so i didnt see ....sorry.... but great minds think alike ....Apologies
I am new!!! I am Blonde!!!!!

Try this one then

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,

he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's.

The hands have never moved,

indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man.

"And whose clock is that one?"

St.Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.

The hands have moved twice,

telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's?" asked the man.

"Blair's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Bigger Andy]

Originally Posted by Sheepman

Surely this one must have originated in Scotland (or France )

In order to assist other motorists in identifying potentially
dangerous drivers, it is now compulsory for anyone with a lower than
average driving ability to display a warning flag.

The flag (consisting of a red cross on a white background) and will be
attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.

For drivers of exceptionally low ability, additional flags are
required.

Greg

Perhaps we should change the warning flag to a white cross on a red backgroung following Englands 3-0 win over SWITZERLAND last night ?

[Gordon J Pownall]

The Swiss are actually going to change their national flag as a result of the match last night...


It's going to be....


A WHITE CROSS ON A WHITE BACKGROUND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DavidB]

Marty woke up at home with a huge hangover he couldn't believe. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first things he saw were a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and a single red rose!

Marty sat down and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.

He took the aspirins, cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and noticed a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you!"

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.

Marty asked, " Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - £100.00
Broken furniture - £200.00
Hot Breakfast - £10.00
Red Rose bud -£3.00
Two Aspirins -£1.00

Saying the right thing, at the right time --- priceless!

[Bigger Andy]

Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."

The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan".

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Lory]

A friend is like a bra

[Gordon J Pownall]

The England Football Coach, Sven Goran Ericsson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.

Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.'

Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Sett ?

Is it...
a) badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?

Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.
I'll have to go 50-50."

Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

" Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris mmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sven Goran Ericsson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's".

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely

"Right,Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

Final answer.

" Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One Million Pounds!!"

Cue wild celebrations.


Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"








Oh... I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock"

[Tiggerbabe]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half
of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews
the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems
as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right,
and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in! cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like
a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S:Took hammer away from midget.

[Bigger Andy]

Getting every last penny ?

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten year old son. The kid is spinning a coin in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her Newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic ! Are you a doctor ?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a divorce attorney."

[Bigger Andy]

Nuns and bad language ?!?

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language ?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore ?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore ?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away !"

"Is THAT when you swore ?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN ?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you ?"

[Gadget]

Why Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £5000, Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood-all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes.

[Bardsey]

Two nuns were driving through Transilvania. Suddenly a small, vicious vampire jumped onto their windscreen.

"Oh my" said the first nun "now what do we do?"

"Don't worry" said the second nun, "I'll just turn on the wipers, that should sort it".

She turned on the wipers, but other than giving the little guy a jolt, he just clung on to the wiper and appeared to enjoy the ride.

"What can we do now?" asked the first nun

"I know" said the second nun "get that phial of holy water out of my bag"

The second nun did this and handed it to the first nun, who opened her window and splashed it onto the little vampire. He hissed a bit, rubbed his bum, bared his teeth and STILL clung onto the wiper.

"What can we do now?" asked the first nun

"I know" said the second nun "show it your cross"

"Okay" said the FIRST nun, opened her window, leaned out and shouted "GET OFF THE ****ING CAR, YOU LITTLE SH*T"

[Sheepman]

A man goes into a pub with a pig perched on his shoulder.
The barman asks, That's amazing where did you get that?
The pig says "outside, there's dozens of them out there."

greg

[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by Gadget

Why Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple creatures?


One mood-all the time.

Yeah, right! As if!!!!!

[DavidB]

Originally Posted by Bardsey

Yeah, right! As if!!!!!

Ok then:

One mood can last at least 5 minutes

[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by DavidB

Ok then:

One mood can last at least 5 minutes

That's providing someone doesn't keep moving the remote

[Martin]

Originally Posted by Bardsey

Yeah, right! As if!!!!!

One "as if" out of 39 ain't bad...

[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by Martin

One "as if" out of 39 ain't bad...

That was just the most outlandish. I could start in on the others, but, to be honest, I can't be bothered!