Jokes

[Martin]

Originally Posted by Bardsey

That was just the most outlandish. I could start in on the others, but, to be honest, I can't be bothered!

OK off you go 39 Why Women Are Just Happier People

[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by Martin

OK off you go 39 Why Women Are Just Happier People

Ok here you go:-

1 - 39 Cos we're not men!!!

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally Posted by Gadget

You can be president

nope - i think hilary clinton is more likely to be president than me

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

do they...yeah right and sales people in PCWORLD say 'get the cheapest computer for your needs' too

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.

Chaning the $ to a £ isn't fooling anyone about the origin of this you know

You can play with toys all your life.

And woman don't? havent you heard of Ann Summers ?



I cant believe Martin counted all these

[Bardsey]

Expressions for a bad day

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f***ing sunshine.
2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.
3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?
4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a f***ing people person?
7. You! Off my planet!!
8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
9. I wish for world peace, harmony and nakedness.
10. Let me show you how the guards used to do it
11. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
12. Allow me to introduce my selves.
13. Whisper my favourite words: "I'll buy it for you."
14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
16. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
17. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?
18. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
19. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
22. Okay, okay, I take it back! UNF*** YOU!
23. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress."
24. Mommy, I want to grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
25. A woman's favourite position is CEO.
26. This is a mean, f***ing cruel world & I want my nappy and medication right now.
27. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep inside the earth.
28. Earth is full. Go home.
29. Is it time for your medication or mine
30. And which dwarf are you?
31. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

[Gordon J Pownall]

Being a Ceroc teacher, I don't get paid as much as those at LeRoc or Blitz or anywhere else so I had to write this little missive recently to my Bank Manager....



Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with £25-00 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001 taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer are automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Office Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application for Authorised Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that a Justice of the Peace or Magistrate must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and that the mandatory details of his / her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he / she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.

My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. Press buttons as follows :-

1) To make an appointment to see me
2) To query a missing payment
3) To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4) To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
5) To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
6) To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home
7) To leave a message on my computer to leave a message a password to access my computer is required: password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised Contact
8) To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 7
9) To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The Authorised Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration.

This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie": "Oh, the banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for." After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost, a cost that you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of
£10-00 per page.

Inquiries from your Authorised Contact will be billed at £1-00 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 50p per minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of 2% of my balance or £50-00 (whichever is more) to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your humble client

[Bardsey]

Oh and one other thing............

[Gordon J Pownall]

A new women only car park has been introduced at the Ceroc Metro venue in St Albans. ....

[DavidB]

Originally Posted by Bardsey

That's providing someone doesn't keep moving the remote

Keeping a man and the TV Remote Control apart is classed as a 'Cruel and Unusual Punishment', and can get you referred to the European Court of Human Rights.

[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by DavidB

Keeping a man and the TV Remote Control apart is classed as a 'Cruel and Unusual Punishment', and can get you referred to the European Court of Human Rights.

Why haven't we got a smiley with its tongue out blowing a raspberry, for occasions such as this?

[Gordon J Pownall]

Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline.

ï‚· If you are Obsessive-compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.

ï‚· If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

ï‚· If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.

ï‚· If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

ï‚· If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

ï‚· If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

ï‚· If you are a Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press... no one will answer.

ï‚· If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

ï‚· If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

ï‚· If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

ï‚· If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

ï‚· If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

ï‚· If you have Short Term Memory Loss, please try again later.

ï‚· If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you, so f**k off.

[Gordon J Pownall]

How do blondes print documents from MS Word.....here's the answer

[Bigger Andy]

How fast ?

A man was helping one of his cows deliver her calf, when he noticed his 4 year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The young father thought, "Great ... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump in too deep. Let him ask a question, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well little buddy, do you have any questions ?"

"Just one, Daddy !" gasped the still wide-eyed boy. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow ?"

[Gordon J Pownall]

Religions - despite the other recent posts regarding religion it's easy to sort out :-

**** = sh*t

Taoism: **** happens.
Buddhism: This **** has happened before.
Judaism: Why does this **** happen to me?
Islam: Who am I to argue with this ****?
Catholicism: The **** that happens is my fault.

[Lory]

Originally Posted by Bardsey

Oh and one other thing............

Whilst on the toilet theme, here's a pic I took in a club on my recent Ibiza Hen weekend! Cosy huh!

[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by Gordon J Pownall

How do blondes print documents from MS Word.....here's the answer

Yawn, yawn! You'd be hard pressed to find a blond joke that my brother hasn't already sent to me. I'd thought of dyeing my hair brunette or something, but then I thought, why stop his enjoyment, he obviously get so little out of life!

[Sheepman]

Originally Posted by Bardsey

Oh and one other thing............

I hadn't realised you'd taken a picture of Pammy's loo on Saturday

Greg

[Lory]

Mark returns from the doctor and tells his wife that

the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this

prognosis, Mark asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and

they make love.



About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and

says,"Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we

please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do

it again.



Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch

and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's

shoulder and asks "Honey, please... just one more time before I
die?

"She says, "Of course, dear and they make love for the third time.



After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Mark,

however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until
he's



down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who

rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we

could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Mark, I have to
get

up in the morning...You don't."

[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by Sheepman

I hadn't realised you'd taken a picture of Pammy's loo on Saturday

Greg

Damn! didn't think anyone would recognise it!

[Gordon J Pownall]

Originally Posted by Gordon J Pownall

How do blondes print documents from MS Word.....here's the answer

So I do the joke thing and forget the picture - mind you, for those who know me you'll know that I'm blonde as well!!!!

Here's the picture....DOH!!!

[Lory]

In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old rabbi

who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a

long, long time. In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the
holy

site and there he is! She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and
after

about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an

interview.


"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir, how long have you been coming to the

Wailing Wall and praying?"


"For about 50 years," he informs her.


"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"


"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred

to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and> friendship."


"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"


"Like I'm talking to a ****ing wall."