Jokes

[Bigger Andy]

Cold Winter

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold ?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter ?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold ?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.

"How can you be so sure ?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

[Gadget]

An oldie...
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with)

[Flash]

IRISH LANDING
As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:
PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy.
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy!!
PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat!!
PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too!!
PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!!
CO-PILOT - I'm praying already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.
So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!
As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"
Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"

[Sheepman]

Advertising jingles
See if you can get the whole office to recite this one.
The jingle for Quillys throat lozenges that never caught on:-

When you throat is dry & sore
Go down to your chemist store
Don't you all be silly Billys
Get fast relief when you suck Quillys

Greg

[Dance Demon]

Q. Why do elephants have Big Ears................





A. Coz Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom money......

[Lory]

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -- this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade

NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards! "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[Lory]

A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her
expensive new outfit. She posed this way and that, before her husband,
looking on with disinterest, remarked "Your bum is the size of a
3-burner barbecue!"

Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed, he leant over, tapped her
on the shoulder, and asked hopefully "How about it?".

She replied "It's hardly worth lighting the barby for half a sausage."

[Lory]

-- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

-- those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

-- A backward poet writes inverse.

-- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

-- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

-- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

-- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

-- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

-- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

-- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

-- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

-- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

-- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

-- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

-- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

-- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

-- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

-- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

-- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

-- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

-- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

-- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

-- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

-- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

-- Every calendar's days are numbered.

-- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

-- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

-- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

-- A plateau is a high form of flattery.

-- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

-- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

-- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

-- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

-- Acupuncture is a jab well done

[Sheepman]

Originally Posted by Lory

WORDS WOMEN USE

So true it's so funny, well worth some rep, but I can't give you any yet

Greg

[Stuart]

A married man leaves work early one Friday. Instead of going home, he spends the weekend and all his money partying. When he returns home on Sunday night, his wife is less than impressed.

After a few hours swearing and screeming she makes him an offer:

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"

"I wouldn't believe my luck" he replies.

Monday passes...as does Tuesday and Wednesday - no sign of his wife. Come Thursday, the swelling around his eyes finally subsides!

[TheTramp]

Because Franck (name changed to protect the innocent!) works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Franck! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Franck. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Franck if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Franck. ''Hi, Francky,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Franck's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Franck follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Franck!''

Trampy

[under par]

Originally Posted by TheTramp

Because Franck (name changed to protect the innocent!) works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Franck! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Franck. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Franck if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Franck. ''Hi, Francky,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Franck's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Franck follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Franck!''

Trampy

[Lory]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy
standing
next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7
feet
tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right
testicle, Turner Brown"

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and
shaking
him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him,
"What's
wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY
did
you say to me?"

The big dud said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd
just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7
feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle
weighs 3
pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner
Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said ' Turn around.' "

[Lory]

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing
could dampen her excitement. Her mother had found the PERFECT
dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride
ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to
exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million
bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it on your wedding day," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous
dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,
"Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have
another occasion where you could wear it." Sheila just smiled and
replied, "Of course I do, dear...I'm wearing it to the rehearsal
dinner!"

Now, I ask you - What woman wouldn't love this story!

[under par]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to
make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after
all you're the guv".

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not
just a couple of decks . . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I
fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

Yep, that's right, well . . . sort of right . . . this time I want you to
fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah.

"Yep, fish . . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp - wall
to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you
want a New Ark?"

"Check".

With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check".

Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the
end of his tether . . . . . .

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

[under par]

> A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
> middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in
> front of the car.
>
> The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets
> out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
>
> The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman
> driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
> She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong?
>
> "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
>
> The blonde says, "Don't worry."
>
> She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp,
> dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
>
> The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the
> road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road
> another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and
> repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
>
> The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in
> that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
>
> The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.
>
>
>
> (Are you ready for this?)
>
>
>
> (Are you sure?)
>
>
>
> (This is bad!)
>
>
> (It's not even a Blonde Joke!)
>
>
> (You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
>
>
>
> (You can still delete it)
>
>
>
> (You know you're gonna be sorry)
>
>
> (Last chance)
>
>
>
> (OK, here it is)
>
>
>
>
>
>
> It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

[Lory]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before.

The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.

He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently!

Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; hen I sneeze, I have an orgasm. "

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said,

"I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"



The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

[Flash]