Jokes

[Dance Demon]

Originally Posted by Sheepman

I noticed recently on my pack of sausages, there was a picture of Anthony Worrall Thompson in his kitchen, underneath it said
"Prick with a fork"

Greg

.....spot on......

[Lory]

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own Condoms and kept the same tagline..........



Sainsbury's Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk

KFC Condoms - Finger Lickin' good

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands

Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load

A bbey National Condoms - because life is complicated enough

Coca Cola Condoms - The Real thing

Ever Ready Condoms - keep going and going

Macintosh Condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple

Pringles Condom - Once you pop, you can't stop

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - "for a longer ride go wild"

FCUK Condoms - no comment required

Muller Light Condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain

Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hardwork

Halford Condoms - we go the extra mile

Royal mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you

Andrex Condoms - Soft, Strong and very very long

Renault Condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal Condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying Condoms - it's dry and waterproof in About 30 minutes

Domestos Condoms - gets right under the rim!!!!

H eineken Condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just Cannot reach

Carlsberg Condoms - Probably the best condom in the world

Mars Condom - a condom a day helps you work rest and play

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Polo Condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!!)

Nokia Condoms - Connecting people

[under par]

This is quite amazing!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist
and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset
can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro

That'll fcuk the splelchekcer

[Lory]

Divorce!

[under par]

Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irish man
were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The
American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at
him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow
lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was
my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irish fellow felt decidedly low tech, but not to be
outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He
stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a
piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

Irish fellow finally said ----"Well, will you look
at that! I'm getting a fax."

[under par]

ARE YOU GETTING OLD?

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived,
because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based
paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids
on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to
play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and
fluorescent 'spokey dokey's'on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags -
riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and
it tasted he same.
We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar
in
it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside
playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and
no-one
actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve
the
problem.
We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as
we
were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one
minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, and no Internet chat rooms.
We had friends we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really
hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones but there were no law
suits.
We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other
parents.
We played knock-and-run and were actually afraid of the owners
catching
us.
We walked to friend's homes.
We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy
or
daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law - unheard of.
They
actually sided with the law.
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
how
to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations! Pass this on to others who
have
had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government
regulated our lives, for our own good.
For those of you who aren't old enough thought you might like to read
about us.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a
smile on your face:
The majority of students in universities today were born in
1983........They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and
the
Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.
They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama or Belinda
Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.
AIDS has existed since they were born.
CD's have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't
imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are Films
from
last year.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or the
Famous Five.
They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and don't
even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.
And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a
mobile phone.
Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night
out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably
with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old
days, repeating again all the funny things you have experienced
together.
7. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some
other friends because you think they will like it too...

Yes, you're getting older!!!!

[Lory]

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00. So they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.

2. There was plenty of heat.

3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply.....

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.


I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture.....

[Lory]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After examining the husband, the doctor said to him: "You appear to be in good health.

Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man.

"After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty,
and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and
chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine.

Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?

" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern.

He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"

[under par]

Originally Posted by Lory

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After examining the husband, the doctor said to him: "You appear to be in good health.

Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man.

"After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty,
and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and
chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine.

Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?

" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern.

He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"

[under par]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed
that there was a slight response on the monitor when
she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was a
small, recognisable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what
happened, telling him,"crazy as this sounds, maybe a
little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured that
they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no
pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room.
"What happened?" they cried.
The husband said,
.
.
.
.
"I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by under par

"I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[Bigger Andy]

What time do you start Work ?

A steelworker walks into a construction site and applies for a job. The site foreman is impressed by his job references and past experiences. He looks fit and has a good personality. He is on the verge of offering the man a job when he notices a break of six months in the employment record.

The foreman asks "what were you doing for six months ?”

The steel fixer shuffles his feet a bit and replies " There was an accident on site and I was injured with a disk cutter".

"That's awful "says the foremen, "was it a bad injury ?"

The steel fixer shuffles his feet even more and replies "its not something I would want passed around the site, but the disk cutter caught me in the groin and they had to amputate both my testicles in hospital later".

"Well I can see why you wouldn't want that known" said the foreman.

"You look fit enough now and your references are excellent so start tomorrow morning".

"That great" says the steelworker, "what time do you start on this site ?"

"Well" says the foreman "we start at 8.00am here, but we normally stand around scratching our balls for the first couple of hours, so you can start at ten".

[under par]

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

What time do you start Work ?

"You look fit enough now and your references are excellent so start tomorrow morning".

"That great" says the steelworker, "what time do you start on this site ?"

"Well" says the foreman "we start at 8.00am here, but we normally stand around scratching our balls for the first couple of hours, so you can start at ten".[/color]

this is NOT a load of B******s !!!

[Lory]

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

What time do you start Work ?

he steel fixer shuffles his feet even more and replies "its not something I would want passed around the site, but the disk cutter caught me in the groin and they had to amputate both my testicles in hospital later".

This is a true story on that theme!
My husband worked on a site in London and usually got to work at 7ish, after a short site inspection, he discovered a foreign worker, crouched in a corner, he looked like he was in agony! Steve asked him what was wrong but he spoke no English, he just pointed towards his privates The man was sweating and rolling about, so Steve called an Ambulance and stayed with him. When the ambulance crew arrived, they stripped him off, only to find the man had forced a bolt nut onto his **** and it had swollen up and was cutting off the blood supply! He had been there all night and Steve said it had definitely gone well passed the soap and water stage!

Steve said filling out the accident report form with an air of professionalism was a challenge!

[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by Lory

This is a true story on that theme!

Steve said filling out the accident report form with an air of professionalism was a challenge!

Okay, I'm intrigued now and I have to ask........did Steve ever find out WHY he did it?

[Gordon J Pownall]

Little Johnnie was late for school and so as he walked into the class his teacher asked him, "..and where have you been until this time young man - you're late?".

"Yes Miss", replied Little Johnnie who began to look very upset, "I didn't mean to be late but my daddy was burnt his morning - that's why I was late".


Feeling guilty, Little Johnnies teacher tried to make amends. "I'm very sorry to hear that Johnnie, that's a shame. I do hope it wasn't serious, was he burnt badly.?"

Little Johnnie looked up at his teacher and replied......,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Oh yes Miss - it was quite bad......they don't f*ck about at the Crematorium...!!!"

[under par]

Originally Posted by Bardsey

Okay, I'm intrigued now and I have to ask........did Steve ever find out WHY he did it?

Didn't need a reason, it was his and he could do whatever he wanted with, so there!