Jokes

[Bardsey]

15 Great Reasons Why It’s Better to be a Woman!

We can absently hum tunes from musicals without
anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

We don’t have to get our strength up between sessions.

We can get off with teenagers without being called
dirty old perverts.

We can be Groupies. Male Groupies are Stalkers.

Our partner’s clothes make us look sexy –
they look like complete dicks in ours.

We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean – ever!

We can cry and get off speeding tickets.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We can wear platforms or high heels – which is why there is
no such thing as a “short woman’s complex”.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.
When men buy a blow up doll, it’s sad.

It’s cool to be a daddy’s girl.
It’s sad to be a mommy’s boy.

Taxis stop for us.

We never fancied a cartoon character or
the central figure in a computer game.

And finally…………

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when we dance!

[Jayne]

Originally Posted by Bardsey

15 Great Reasons Why It’s Better to be a Woman!

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when we dance!

Thanks Bardsey!

J

[Bigger Andy]

Wrong Number ?

"Hello," says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone ?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey !"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy !"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy !"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened ?"

"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and she's just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."

"Oh my god . . . And what about Uncle Frank ?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's just lying there, not moving. He may be dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool ? Is this 854 7039 ?"

[Dance Demon]

a scientist is based on an ice station in Alaska. he is out in his snow buggy one day, when it suddenly stops with a bang. he looks down to see oil pouring out onto the ice. He contacts the ice station and asks for an engineer to come to his assistance. When the engineer gets there, he sees the pool of oil and says to the scientist..."looks like you've blown a seal"...........The scientist replies..." Oh no....thats just frost on my moustache..."..............

[Dance Demon]

A guy is walking though a red light area when he is approached by a hooker. " For £100 I will do for you what your wife won't" she tells him.....The guy gives in to temptation, and agrees to go back to her flat,where she proceded to................................................ ..............







IRON ALL HIS SHIRTS............

[Lory]

A few cartoons

[Dance Demon]

[under par]

Originally Posted by Lory

A few cartoons

They are really great Lory

[under par]

[quote=Lory]A few cartoons [/QUOTE Lory...

[Bigger Andy]

Orange Juice ?

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear ?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age ? How do you do it ?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, pull the skin back and suck them dry."

[Bigger Andy]

The Trap

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was very stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So, the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and attached to her butt was an oyster, inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl...





... and re-bait the trap."

[DianaS]

THE DONKEY


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.



He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.


As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.





Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the s--t out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.




You have two choices...smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun. I know what I did!!

[Lory]

How to spot a rich guy!

[Gadget]

Hey - he could be a good dancer!

[under par]

Originally Posted by Lory

How to spot a rich guy!

linking the last 2 posts...............
.
.
.
.
.
.
.he may NOT be rich..........
.
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.
just hung like a donkey

[Bigger Andy]

The Three Basic Corporate Lessons ( 3BCL's )

Lesson One :-

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long ?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

The moral of the story is :-

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two :-

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey," but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings ?" replied the bull. "They're packed full with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon a farmer spotted him and shot the turkey out of the tree.

The moral of the story is :-

Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three :-

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out !
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him !

The morals of this story are :-

Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
When you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut !

Summary

An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling ...

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces ...
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes ...

[Lory]

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

The Three Basic Corporate Lessons ( 3BCL's )

I like that!

[Lory]

Friends reunited!

[Bigger Andy]

Originally Posted by Lory

Friends reunited!

I like that !

Which one is you ?

[Bigger Andy]

A new craze !

A new Business-to-Consumer Retail Craze is sweeping the Country. They're calling it shops or "S-Commerce" and it's being rolled out in cities and towns nation-wide. "It's a real revelation," according to Malcolm Fosbury, a middleware engineer from Hillingdon. "You just walk into one of these shops and they have all sorts of things for sale." Fosbury was particular impressed by a clothes shop he discovered while browsing in central London. "Shops seem to be the ideal medium for transactions of this type. I can actually try out a jacket and see if it fits me. Then I can visualise the way I would look if I was wearing the clothing." This is possible using a high definition 2D viewing system, or "mirror" as it has become known. Shops, which are frequently aggregated into shopping portals or "high streets", are becoming increasingly popular with the cash-rich time-poor generation of new consumers. Often located in densely populated areas people can find them extremely convenient. And Malcolm is not alone in being impressed by shops. "Some days I just don't have the time to download huge Flash animations of rotating trainers and then wait five days for them to be delivered in the hope that they will actually fit," says Sandra Bailey, a systems analyst from Chelsea. "This way I can actually complete the transaction in real time and walk away with the goods." Being able see whether or not shoes and clothing fit has been a real bonus for Bailey, "I used to spend my evenings boxing up gear to return. Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, sometimes they just sent the wrong stuff." Shops have a compelling commercial story to tell too, according to Gartner Group retail analyst Carl Baker. "There are massive efficiencies in the supply chain. By concentrating distribution to a series of high volume outlets in urban centres - typically close to where people live and work - businesses can make dramatic savings in fulfilment costs. Just compare this with the wasteful practice of delivering items piecemeal to people's homes." Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive goods when they actually want them could mean an end to the frustration of returning home to find a despatch notice telling you that your goods are waiting in a delivery depot the other side of town. But it's not just the convenience and time-saving that appeals to Fosbury, "Visiting a shop is real relief for me. I mean, I spend all day in front of a bloody computer otherwise !"