Jokes

[Bigger Andy]

Wrong number !!!

"Hello," says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone ?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey !"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy !"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy !"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened ?"

"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and she's just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."

"Oh my god . . . And what about Uncle Frank ?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's just lying there, not moving. He may be dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool ? Is this 854 7039 ?"

[DavidB]

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

Wrong number

This must be the first time someone has posted their own joke again...

[Lynn]

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

A new craze !

A new Business-to-Consumer Retail Craze is sweeping the Country...

Liked this one, can't beat a good shopping trip!

[Claire]

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
...................... an egg!

[TheTramp]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE: The other night, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

Yesterday I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Trampy

[under par]

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.



'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'



'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'



'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'



'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.



Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.



'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'



'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape --I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'



'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.



'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road.



He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.



The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.



'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'



'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.'



'Hang on,' the farmer says. 'I'll get my hat.'

[Bigger Andy]

Birth Control - Southern style

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Mississippi and West Virginia.

[Dance Demon]

A woman takes her dog to the vet, and explains that she thinks the dog is going deaf. The vet looks in the dogs ears, and says "the dogs ears are full of overgrown hair. Go to the chemist, and buy a bottle of hair remover, and Gently rub it in his ears." The woman goes to the chemist and asks for a bottle of hair remover. The assistant says " If it's for under your arms, dont put any deodorant on for a day " The lady replies that it's not for under her arms. The assistant says " well if its for your legs, don't exfoliate for two days. "It's not for my legs either replies the woman. If you must know it's for my schnauser..........
the assistant replies..."well youd better stay off your bike for a couple of days then.............................................. ............

[Stuart]

The guide to wife translations

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, you're doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

[Bigger Andy]

WHAT NATIONALITY WAS JESUS ?

Three proofs that JESUS was MEXICAN
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. His was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS was BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS was a JEW
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS was ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS was a CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS was IRISH
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But perhaps the most compelling evidence...

Three proofs that JESUS was a WOMAN
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

[under par]

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

WHAT NATIONALITY WAS JESUS ?

Three proofs that JESUS was MEXICAN
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. His was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS was BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS was a JEW
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS was ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS was a CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS was IRISH
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But perhaps the most compelling evidence...

Three proofs that JESUS was a WOMAN
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

[Bardsey]

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy[U

Three proofs that JESUS was a WOMAN[/u]
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.[/font]

You're preaching to the converted here!

[Gordon J Pownall]

Which Would U Choose? Cake Or Bed?????

A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,

“honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering
For Weeks Now”

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily;

“fix The Light, Now? Does It Look Like I Have An Electricians Logo Printed On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!”

The Wife Asks,

“well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right.”

To Which He Replied,

“fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have Hotpoint Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So.”

Fine, She Says,

“then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door?” They're About To Break.”

“i'm Not A Damn Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix The Steps”, He Says. “does It Look Like I Have Woodies Diy Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So. I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!! “

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours. He Starts To Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home And Help Out. As He Walks Into The House He Notices The Steps Are Already Fixed. As He Enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working. As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed.

“honey”, He Asks, “how'd All This Get Fixed?”

She Said,

“well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried.just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.he Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.”

He Said,

“so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake Him?”

She Replied,

“hellooooo.......do You See Delia Smith Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!”

[Bigger Andy]

The wind does strange things !

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.

"Oh, really ?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."

"Why is that ?" the first guy asks.

"Well, do you see that painting on the far wall ? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing !" says the first guy.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right ? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way ! That's impossible", the guy scoffs.

"Not at all. Take a look", the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"See ? It's fun. You should try it," he says.

"Try it ? I don't even believe I saw it !" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.

"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50... 60... 70... 80... 90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

[Bigger Andy]

Clean ?

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman couldn't take her eyes off him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly towards her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew some money from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes and in a slow and meaningful way said ...







... "Clean my house."

[Bigger Andy]

Mozart

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

[under par]

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

Mozart

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

groan groan!

[Bigger Andy]

A Test of Strength

A young man on a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had heard enough.

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is ?" he said. "I'll bet you a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

[ChrisA]

Originally Posted by under par

groan groan!

Indeed. Though heavens knows what state the body was already in when it was buried....

... Mozart wrote 41 symphonies, not 9.

It was Beethoven that wrote 9, goddammit

Chris

[Bigger Andy]

Originally Posted by ChrisA

Indeed. Though heavens knows what state the body was already in when it was buried....

... Mozart wrote 41 symphonies, not 9.

It was Beethoven that wrote 9, goddammit

There were two days before anyone heard the "noises".
That is probably when symphonies 41 down to 9 were being "decomposed" !