Jokes - Page 37

Bigger Andy · 3rd-August-2004, 12:48 PM

A tough shot ?

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He reckoned that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

**under par** · 3rd-August-2004, 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

A tough shot ?

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."[/font]

I'll take that thought with me to the course..

Bigger Andy · 3rd-August-2004, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by under par

I'll take that thought with me to the course..

Enjoy your round ...

mine's a pint

**under par** · 3rd-August-2004, 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

Enjoy your round ...

mine's a pint

see you at the 19th hole.

Do you play?

Bigger Andy · 3rd-August-2004, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by under par

see you at the 19th hole.

Do you play?

I don't play seriously although I enjoy an occasional round of "pitch and put".

I suppose that as a regular cricketer and therefore having good hand/eye co-ordination I could become reasonable.

The trouble is finding the time to fit it all in.

I often think that it would be better if the week was 2 days long followed by a 5 day weekend !

**under par** · 3rd-August-2004, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

I don't play seriously although I enjoy an occasional round of "pitch and put".

I suppose that as a regular cricketer and therefore having good hand/eye co-ordination I could become reasonable.

The trouble is finding the time to fit it all in.

I often think that it would be better if the week was 2 days long followed by a 5 day weekend !

I agree IF ONLY....and then we retire have all the time in the world but are too decrepid, old and tired to do anything.

LIFE SUCKS

Bigger Andy · 3rd-August-2004, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by under par

... and then we retire have all the time in the world but are too decrepid, old and tired to do anything.

**Gordon J Pownall** · 3rd-August-2004, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

Steady on guys,

Adam (NAthanson) was 42 yesterday - not giving him much to look

forward to in the next few years are you......

Bigger Andy · 3rd-August-2004, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gordon J Pownall

Adam (NAthanson) was 42 yesterday - not giving him much to look forward to in the next few years are you......

I'm older than Adam !

I know !!!

**Gordon J Pownall** · 3rd-August-2004, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

I'm older than Adam !

I know !!!

Ahhhh - but age can be counteracted by size - are you between 5' 7" and 5' 8" (i.e. normal like Adam, Andy McG and myself)

or are you a freak of nature who's nose bleeds if you climb the stairs (taller) or do children knock on your front door and ask if you are coming out to play (smaller).....

**under par** · 3rd-August-2004, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gordon J Pownall

Steady on guys,

Adam (NAthanson) was 42 yesterday - not giving him much to look

forward to in the next few years are you......

My next is my 42nd too

Bigger Andy · 3rd-August-2004, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gordon J Pownall

Ahhhh - but age can be counteracted by size - are you between 5' 7" and 5' 8" (i.e. normal like Adam, Andy McG and myself)

or are you a freak of nature who's nose bleeds if you climb the stairs (taller) or do children knock on your front door and ask if you are coming out to play (smaller).....

Seriously. As you get older you do find that you have to learn to pace yourself.

Having said that, I don't find that an evenings freestyle any problem.

Adam hasn't got anything to worry about (just yet) !

**Gordon J Pownall** · 3rd-August-2004, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by under par

My next is my 42nd too

In the words of the Prime Minister,

I refer the Honourable Member to the answer I gave some moments ago.....

TheTramp · 3rd-August-2004, 05:46 PM

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!". She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!

Trampy

Bigger Andy · 4th-August-2004, 12:43 PM

Ear, ear !

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.

The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me ?"

The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."

The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question.

The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."

The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.

As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."

"Okay," said the third man on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."

The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contact lenses."

The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son ?"

"What ? Are you stupid ? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears !"

**under par** · 4th-August-2004, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gordon J Pownall

Ahhhh - but age can be counteracted by size - are you between 5' 7" and 5' 8" (i.e. normal like Adam, Andy McG and myself)

or are you a freak of nature who's nose bleeds if you climb the stairs (taller) or do children knock on your front door and ask if you are coming out to play (smaller).....

You may be that height now ........................BUT ...........as you get older you will shrink and shrivel up a bit .............................and become un-normal, midgetty sort of height.

And all those big tall 5'09 and 5'10 people will do likewise and become normal...............Great isn't

**Sparkles** · 4th-August-2004, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by under par

And all those big tall 5'09 and 5'10 people will do likewise and become normal...............Great isn't

Being normal is rarely a good thing IMO

**Gordon J Pownall** · 4th-August-2004, 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sparkles

Being normal is rarely a good thing IMO

Quite right to - come and join us nutters, loonies, peronality disordered gimps, messers about and generally social hand grenade like poeple here.....

Otherwise I'll get my flying monkeys........... or maybe I'll just go and listen to the voices whilst I clean my high powered rifles.......

Bigger Andy · 5th-August-2004, 12:38 PM

Whales ?

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell ?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him !"

Bigger Andy · 6th-August-2004, 12:45 PM

Mothballs

An elderly lady asked the chemist for "Six packets of mothballs, please”.

The Chemist replied “But I sold you six packets yesterday ! What have you done with them all ?”

The old lady responded “I know. My aim’s not very good and I keep missing them.”

3rd-August-2004, 12:48 PM	#721 (permalink)
Bigger Andy Registered User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Canterbury, Kent - The garden of England. Posts: 330 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 27	Re: Jokes A tough shot ? A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He reckoned that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

3rd-August-2004, 05:46 PM	#734 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,496 Status: No Status Rep Power: 6 Rep.: 1710	Re: Jokes A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!". She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed! Trampy __________________ "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it". (Attributed to Voltaire). Caveat: But reserve the right to tell you if what you say is a load of crap!

4th-August-2004, 12:43 PM	#735 (permalink)
Bigger Andy Registered User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Canterbury, Kent - The garden of England. Posts: 330 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 27	Re: Jokes Ear, ear ! Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me ?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said the third man on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contact lenses." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son ?" "What ? Are you stupid ? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears !"

5th-August-2004, 12:38 PM	#739 (permalink)
Bigger Andy Registered User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Canterbury, Kent - The garden of England. Posts: 330 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 27	Re: Jokes Whales ? A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell ?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him !"

6th-August-2004, 12:45 PM	#740 (permalink)
Bigger Andy Registered User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Canterbury, Kent - The garden of England. Posts: 330 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 27	Re: Jokes Mothballs An elderly lady asked the chemist for "Six packets of mothballs, please”. The Chemist replied “But I sold you six packets yesterday ! What have you done with them all ?” The old lady responded “I know. My aim’s not very good and I keep missing them.”

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