Jokes - Page 4

PeterL · 12th-March-2003, 05:06 PM

<table border="1" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Feature</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">APPLE iMAC</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">ROWENTA Surf-Line</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Handle/Transportable</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100" nowrap>Hotter than a Pentium II</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">No</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Auto Off</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Programmable</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Easy to use</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Keyboard and Mouse</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">No</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Rotating knob</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">No</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Plug and Play</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Translucent Design</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Yes</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Pros</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Mental Floss</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Quality/Price Ratio</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Cons</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">No steam - No glide</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">Doesn't compute!</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Cost</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">1299$</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">50$</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Overall Value</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">good </td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">excellent</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100">Mices</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">4</td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80">4</td> </tr> </table>

**Steven** · 12th-March-2003, 05:35 PM

Ahh you may mock but the imacs no longer look like that.

They are still a bit weird looking though!!

Cheers
Steven

P.S. Any good Franck???

Wendy · 16th-March-2003, 11:41 PM

I think they are cute and they are such a laugh in that ad... but can they shimmy ????

Wx

TheTramp · 17th-March-2003, 12:25 PM

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.

"Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."

============================================
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

============================================
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella _that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy?

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
===========================================

Steve

**Steven** · 17th-March-2003, 01:26 PM

Irish Wedding Dance

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the sh * t out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.' The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my f**king fingers .....

CJ · 18th-March-2003, 01:49 AM

some are harsher than others. Drummer ones are worth a peek...

Music Jokes here

e.g.

Band are on the road... just after soundcheck, the guys sit down on stage to have tea. The guitarist brings out his thermos, and proceeds to pour himself a coffee.

The drummer notices and asks the guitarist, "What's that?" "It's a thermos flask." was the reply. "What does that do?" asked the drummer... "Well, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, so I've got some piping hot coffee in it." says the guitarist. WELL COOL thinks the drummer.

Next town... soundcheck done... drummer brings out brand new thermos flask. Bassist says, "What's that?" Drummer replies, "Oh, Ijust got this today, it's a thermos flask: it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Fantastic."

"So, what you got in it?" asks the bassist. "Some soup and 2 ice lollies," was the reply.

PeterL · 18th-March-2003, 09:17 AM

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization...
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the bus-boy
brought our
water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket,
then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their

pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.
After
several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was
the
most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared
to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the

kitchen and
save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed.
I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's
fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies My curiosity got the better of me and before he
walked
off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as
observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that
we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued," by tying
this
string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal
without touching
it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time
spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know
about the others, but I use the spoon."

PeterL · 18th-March-2003, 11:12 AM

You have got to check out this link.

TheTramp · 18th-March-2003, 06:31 PM

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

Steve

filthycute · 20th-March-2003, 02:04 PM

A Man walks into a chiropodists and slams his willie on the table.
Alarmed, the chiropodist says " I can't treat that!!, it's not a foot!"
"Yeah but it's a good 10 inches" replies the man

==============================================

A bride and groom go to bed on their wedding night. The bride gets thirsty so her husband goes downstairs for a glass of water.
Cheekily he pokes his willie around the door...."are you scared?"

Giggling, the bride shouts "no"

He sticks it around some more...."Are you scared now?"

Still giggling she shouts "no"

"Ok" says the Man, "i'm coming up the stairs!!!"

filthycute x x

filthycute · 20th-March-2003, 02:08 PM

A man goes into a shop and asks the assistant if she has any potato clocks in stock.

Puzzled the assistant went ask her colleagues, then her supervisor.....they were all stumped.

She returned to the man and told him they didn't have any potato clocks, in fact they'd never heard of them.
"Where did you hear about these clocks sir?"

Well my boss told me i wouldn't keep being late for work if i got a potato clock.

filthycute x x

*Dance Demon* · 30th-March-2003, 12:29 PM

A leggy blonde takes her sports car to a garage and tells the mechanic that she needs a new 710. The mechanic looks puzzled and says " I'm sorry, I don't know what a 710 is". "well its in the engine " she replies, "but my ones missing". The mechanic tells her to open the bonnet, and show him where it should be. She opens the bonnet, and pointing to the engine says , It used to be there but now it's gone........The mechanic smiles and says....................Oh! you want a new OIL filler cap then?..............

**Divissima** · 30th-March-2003, 06:51 PM

What do Mexicans have under their carpets?

Underlay, underlay!

*Dance Demon* · 30th-March-2003, 10:09 PM

Q. What's the difference between Brussel Sprouts and bogeys?

A. You can't get kids to eat brussel sprouts?

CJ · 31st-March-2003, 02:26 PM

ask me if I'm an orange....

TheTramp · 31st-March-2003, 02:27 PM

Rob

Are you an orange?

Steve

CJ · 31st-March-2003, 02:33 PM

**Aleks** · 31st-March-2003, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ceroc Jock
no.

So WHAT are you then?

*Dance Demon* · 6th-April-2003, 01:45 PM

A pretty blonde was sitting in the 1st class compartment of a jumbo jet bound for New York. A stewardess informed her that as she only had an economy class ticket, she would have to vacate her seat. "I don't have to move " was the blonde's reply, " Im blonde and pretty, and I'm staying here." The chief steward , then attempted to get her to vacate her seat, and was met with the same response,
The chief steward then informed the pilot, who told the blonde" look, I'm the pilot of this plane, and if you don't move, then .the plane won't be moving either". I,don't care" she said, " I'm blonde and pretty, and I am staying in this seat". At that the co-pilot appeare, and asked what was going on. The pilot explained the situation, and the co-pilot said"OK let me have a try". He went over to the blonde and whispered in her ear. She immediately got up, gathered her belongings, and moved to economy. "What on earth did you say to her" asked the pilot.
Oh that was easy replied the co-pilot.....................................
.................................................. .............I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York.....................

TheTramp · 8th-April-2003, 09:37 AM

Alma returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband that the doctor said she only had 24hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love with her. Of course he agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Alma went to him again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Paul agrees and again they make love. Later, Alma is getting into bed when she realized she now had only eight hours of life left. She touched Paul's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." he agreed, than afterward he rolled over and fell asleep.

Alma, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said, "Listen Alma, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

12th-March-2003, 05:06 PM	#61 (permalink)
PeterL Chief Worrier Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Edinburgh Posts: 253 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 10	<table border="1" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Feature</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica"><b>APPLE iMAC</b></font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica"><b>ROWENTA Surf-Line</b></font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Handle/Transportable</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100" nowrap><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Hotter than a Pentium II</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">No</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Auto Off</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Programmable</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Easy to use</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Keyboard and Mouse</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">No</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Rotating knob</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">No</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Plug and Play</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Translucent Design</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Yes</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Pros</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Mental Floss</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Quality/Price Ratio</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Cons</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">No steam - No glide</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Doesn't compute!</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Cost</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">1299$</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">50$</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Overall Value</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">good </font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">excellent</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="100"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Mices</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">4</font></td> <td align="center" valign="top" width="80"><font size="1" face="Espy Sans,Geneva,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">4</font></td> </tr> </table>

17th-March-2003, 12:25 PM	#64 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	In honour of St. Patricks Day.... An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order." O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone." ============================================ Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." ============================================ Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella _that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy? Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin." =========================================== Steve

17th-March-2003, 01:26 PM	#65 (permalink)
Steven Taxi Dancer Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 157 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 10	Yet more Irish Jokes Irish Wedding Dance A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the sh * t out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!' The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.' The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, 'OK.' 'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.' Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!' 'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my f**king fingers .....

18th-March-2003, 01:49 AM	#66 (permalink)
CJ Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Fife. Posts: 4,983 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1744	Musician jokes... some are harsher than others. Drummer ones are worth a peek... Music Jokes here e.g. Band are on the road... just after soundcheck, the guys sit down on stage to have tea. The guitarist brings out his thermos, and proceeds to pour himself a coffee. The drummer notices and asks the guitarist, "What's that?" "It's a thermos flask." was the reply. "What does that do?" asked the drummer... "Well, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, so I've got some piping hot coffee in it." says the guitarist. WELL COOL thinks the drummer. Next town... soundcheck done... drummer brings out brand new thermos flask. Bassist says, "What's that?" Drummer replies, "Oh, Ijust got this today, it's a thermos flask: it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Fantastic." "So, what you got in it?" asks the bassist. "Some soup and 2 ice lollies," was the reply. __________________ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. www.readitandweep.net Risk more than others think safe; dream more than others think practical; care more than others think wise; desire more than others think possible.. ... then the Universe is yours. Last edited by CJ : 18th-March-2003 at 02:02 AM.

31st-March-2003, 02:26 PM	#75 (permalink)
CJ Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Fife. Posts: 4,983 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1744	Somebody..... anybody.... ask me if I'm an orange.... __________________ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. www.readitandweep.net Risk more than others think safe; dream more than others think practical; care more than others think wise; desire more than others think possible.. ... then the Universe is yours.

12th-March-2003, 05:35 PM	#62 (permalink)
Steven Taxi Dancer Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 157 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 10	Ahh you may mock but the imacs no longer look like that. They are still a bit weird looking though!! Cheers Steven P.S. Any good Franck???

16th-March-2003, 11:41 PM	#63 (permalink)
Wendy Registered User Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Versailles (yeah, in the chateau itself !) Posts: 1,458 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 270	I think they are cute and they are such a laugh in that ad... but can they shimmy ???? Wx

18th-March-2003, 09:17 AM	#67 (permalink)
PeterL Chief Worrier Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Edinburgh Posts: 253 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 10	A lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization... Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued," by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

18th-March-2003, 11:12 AM	#68 (permalink)
PeterL Chief Worrier Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Edinburgh Posts: 253 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 10	You have got to check out this link.

18th-March-2003, 06:31 PM	#69 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?" "Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan." Steve

20th-March-2003, 02:04 PM	#70 (permalink)
filthycute Registered User Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 771 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 83	A Man walks into a chiropodists and slams his willie on the table. Alarmed, the chiropodist says " I can't treat that!!, it's not a foot!" "Yeah but it's a good 10 inches" replies the man ============================================== A bride and groom go to bed on their wedding night. The bride gets thirsty so her husband goes downstairs for a glass of water. Cheekily he pokes his willie around the door...."are you scared?" Giggling, the bride shouts "no" He sticks it around some more...."Are you scared now?" Still giggling she shouts "no" "Ok" says the Man, "i'm coming up the stairs!!!" filthycute x x

20th-March-2003, 02:08 PM	#71 (permalink)
filthycute Registered User Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 771 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 83	A man goes into a shop and asks the assistant if she has any potato clocks in stock. Puzzled the assistant went ask her colleagues, then her supervisor.....they were all stumped. She returned to the man and told him they didn't have any potato clocks, in fact they'd never heard of them. "Where did you hear about these clocks sir?" Well my boss told me i wouldn't keep being late for work if i got a potato clock. filthycute x x

30th-March-2003, 12:29 PM	#72 (permalink)
Dance Demon Commercial Operator Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,523 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 783	A leggy blonde takes her sports car to a garage and tells the mechanic that she needs a new 710. The mechanic looks puzzled and says " I'm sorry, I don't know what a 710 is". "well its in the engine " she replies, "but my ones missing". The mechanic tells her to open the bonnet, and show him where it should be. She opens the bonnet, and pointing to the engine says , It used to be there but now it's gone........The mechanic smiles and says....................Oh! you want a new OIL filler cap then?..............

30th-March-2003, 06:51 PM	#73 (permalink)
Divissima Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 1,461 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 244	What do Mexicans have under their carpets? Underlay, underlay!

30th-March-2003, 10:09 PM	#74 (permalink)
Dance Demon Commercial Operator Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,523 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 783	Q. What's the difference between Brussel Sprouts and bogeys? A. You can't get kids to eat brussel sprouts?

31st-March-2003, 02:27 PM	#76 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	Rob Are you an orange? Steve

31st-March-2003, 02:33 PM	#77 (permalink)
CJ Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Fife. Posts: 4,983 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1744	no. __________________ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. www.readitandweep.net Risk more than others think safe; dream more than others think practical; care more than others think wise; desire more than others think possible.. ... then the Universe is yours.

6th-April-2003, 01:45 PM	#79 (permalink)
Dance Demon Commercial Operator Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,523 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 783	Anothr blonde joke.. A pretty blonde was sitting in the 1st class compartment of a jumbo jet bound for New York. A stewardess informed her that as she only had an economy class ticket, she would have to vacate her seat. "I don't have to move " was the blonde's reply, " Im blonde and pretty, and I'm staying here." The chief steward , then attempted to get her to vacate her seat, and was met with the same response, The chief steward then informed the pilot, who told the blonde" look, I'm the pilot of this plane, and if you don't move, then .the plane won't be moving either". I,don't care" she said, " I'm blonde and pretty, and I am staying in this seat". At that the co-pilot appeare, and asked what was going on. The pilot explained the situation, and the co-pilot said"OK let me have a try". He went over to the blonde and whispered in her ear. She immediately got up, gathered her belongings, and moved to economy. "What on earth did you say to her" asked the pilot. Oh that was easy replied the co-pilot..................................... .................................................. .............I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York.....................

8th-April-2003, 09:37 AM	#80 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	Alma returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband that the doctor said she only had 24hours to live. Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love with her. Of course he agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Alma went to him again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Paul agrees and again they make love. Later, Alma is getting into bed when she realized she now had only eight hours of life left. She touched Paul's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." he agreed, than afterward he rolled over and fell asleep. Alma, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said, "Listen Alma, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."