Jokes

[drathzel]

Originally Posted by Sparkles

He was probably getting his own back for having been sent on an errand for a 'glass hammer' earlier in the week

or a left handed spirit level!!!

[Dance Demon]

Originally Posted by Baruch

The three samurai

[drathzel]

[quote=Baruch]The three samurai
-----------------
QUOTE]

i agree... very good

[Lory]

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said "Thyroid problem?"


2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.


3) My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.


4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.


5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.


6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.


7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.


8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.


9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.


10) I saw six men kicking and punching their mother-in-law. My neighbour said, "Are you going to help?" I said "No, Six should be enough."


11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?


12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all-nervous and give the wrong answers.


13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

[Lory]

questions:


1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?


2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?


3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
( sadly not in my case)

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?


7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?


9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?


10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?


11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?


12. What do people in China call their good plates?


13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


14. What do you call male ballerinas?


15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?


16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?


18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?


19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out of the window?

[bobgadjet]

Originally Posted by Lory

questions:


5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

My name is Bob, and I'm NOT an alcoholic ! ! !

Why is dixlexia, sorry, dislecsia, sorry, dyslexia so difficult to spell ?

Why is there only one monopolies commision ?

Why do you never see baby Pigeons ?

[bobgadjet]

My wife and I had just over 20 years of happiness
v
v
v
v
Then we met ! !

No, really, I was happiliy married for about 13 years. I got divorced after 29 years, but was happy for about 13 ! ! !


I'm not getting married again. I'm just going to find a lady I learn to hate, and give her a house, a car etc etc.

[Andy McGregor]

A friend emailed this to me today. I think it's very funny, I hope you do too - especially the Australian blondes.

Two bowling teams, one all Blondes and one all Brunettes, charter a double
decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Brisbane


The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blondes rode on
the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a
great time, when one of them realised she hadn’t heard anything from the
blondes upstairs.


She decided to go up to investigate. when the Brunette reached the top, she
found the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.


The Brunette asked, "What the heck is going on up here?. We're having a
great time downstairs!"


One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallows hard and whispers,


"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

[Dance Demon]

Originally Posted by Andy McGregor

A
"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"[/color]

[drathzel]

My 2-year-old son asked our baby sitter for help in getting his boots on.

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had already worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when my son said, "Wrong feet!"

She looked and sure enough, they were on the wrong feet. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my cousin's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in my boots

[drathzel]

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[drathzel]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: Enjoy!!

*******************************

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

*******************************

2. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

*******************************

3. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.

*******************************

4. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

*******************************

5. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at La Guardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

*******************************

6. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

*******************************

7. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

*******************************

8. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

*******************************

9. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

*******************************

10. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and keep them with our compliments."

*******************************

11. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."

*******************************

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

*******************************

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

*******************************

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt."

*******************************

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

*******************************

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

*******************************

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

*******************************

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through he wreckage to the terminal."

*******************************

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

*******************************

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

************************************************** *****************

[drathzel]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

[Flash]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged crawler) which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
withme and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited
a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him
one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house
and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have
a drink with me?

Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!



A little voice came out of the box:...........




(WAIT FOR IT)...........


"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fu**ing shoes on."

[naughty_scotty84]

I'm just gonna apologise for this one before I even tell it, but it's the only joke I can ever remember!!!

How do you sink an Irish Submarine?

Knock on the door!!!

Did you like it, well, did you, did you?
(No offense to any Irish forum members of course)

[drathzel]

Originally Posted by naughty_scotty84

I'm just gonna apologise for this one before I even tell it, but it's the only joke I can ever remember!!!

How do you sink an Irish Submarine?

Knock on the door!!!

Did you like it, well, did you, did you?
(No offense to any Irish forum members of course)

I am very offended. What till lynn hears about this one. Actualy thats only mock annoyance! It was quite, i only said quite, funny

[naughty_scotty84]

Originally Posted by drathzel

I am very offended. What till lynn hears about this one. Actualy thats only mock annoyance! It was quite, i only said quite, funny

Oops Sorry Drathzel and Lynn I'll get you a tub of your favourite Ice Cream in return

[drathzel]

Originally Posted by naughty_scotty84

Oops Sorry Drathzel and Lynn I'll get you a tub of your favourite Ice Cream in return

You'll have to go to Northern Ireland for it. It is sonly sold there! Then your wil have to deliever lynns to her then mine to me. by that stage trust me it will be melted. And it does not taste as good re frozen!

[naughty_scotty84]

Originally Posted by drathzel

You'll have to go to Northern Ireland for it. It is sonly sold there! Then your wil have to deliever lynns to her then mine to me. by that stage trust me it will be melted. And it does not taste as good re frozen!

Oh Well will a 20p mini milk do?

[drathzel]

Originally Posted by naughty_scotty84

Oh Well will a 20p mini milk do?

ok you have got yourself a deal!