Jokes

[Aleks]

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by
mistake,
happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around
nervously, but it
was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...but no answer.
"Is there
anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no
answer.... Now the
female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS
THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away . . . "Hello -
we're all down
here . . . . "

[Dance Demon]

A guy decides he has really been a woman trapped in a mans body all his life and decides to have a sex change. He goes into hospital for the op. and a few days later his best mate comes to visit. "Ooh you,re really brave " he says, "It must have been really painful, getting all your bits cut off". ..."Yes it was " the guy replied, " but it wasn't the most painful part". "so what was then" asked his mate. Well the most painful part of becoming a woman was the bit where they stretched my mouth, and removed my brain............................................. ....

Touche

[Lou]

A couple was celebrating their GOLDEN wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. Everyone said: "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.'

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said: 'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me, and quietly said: 'That's once'.

"And we lived happily ever after".

[Steven]

A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud;
"Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"Holy ****", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highlyintelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my **** around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The bloke looks at the 200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for 20, just make the guy an offer!"

The bloke offers 20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down."

"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"F*** knows, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!!

[Dreadful Scathe]

What have the films TITANIC and SIXTH SENSE got in common ?


Icy Dead People




(hehe )

[Steven]

It has just been reported that Major Charles Ingram has been found hanged.

As a mark of respect the BBC have announced that they will pay for the funeral but not the coffin!!!!!!


Cheers
Steven

[Dance Demon]

Latest reports from Iraq state that Saddam Hussein is dead.
Apparently he was dressed in a British Army uniform,..................................and the Americans shot him..........

[Dave Hancock]

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Miami Beach. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they should not judge the 'book by its cover.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis, shaken not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each , please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents,
please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're on vacation from Aberdeen. They're waiting for happy hour."

[Dance Demon]

[Chicklet]

The following advertisement in the Melbourne Age magazine is reported to have received numerous calls:

Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the bush, riding in your 4X4, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call xxxxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.










Over 5,000 men found themselves talking to the RSPCA about an eight week-old black Labrador Retriever puppy.

Men are so easy.

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally posted by Chicklet
Over 5,000 men found themselves talking to the RSPCA about an eight week-old black Labrador Retriever puppy.

Men are so easy.

reminds me of that famous irn-bru billboard advert - old country gent sitting on padded chair in book lined library with his golden labradors at his feet.

tagline 'I love drinking irn-bru, and so do my bitches'

[Chicklet]

Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
reminds me of that famous irn-bru billboard advert - old country gent sitting on padded chair in book lined library with his golden labradors at his feet.

tagline 'I love drinking irn-bru, and so do my bitches'

never saw this one, but it's a classic all right!!

[Dance Demon]

Two guys were travelling to work in the car. The passenger asks the driver to stop at the corner shop, so he can buy some fags and a paper. When he returns to the car, he looks really embarassed. His mate asks him what's wrong and he says "The young girl in the shop had enourmous knockers, and a low cut top on, and I couldn't take my eyes off her. When she came to serve me I said, a Daily Star please, and twenty Embassy Tits, instead of Embassy Tipped.... I was really embarrassed...."

Oh don't worry said his mate, thats what you call a Freudian slip, when you mean to say one thing but something totally different comes out. In fact it happened to me this morning at breakfast.
I had just poured the corn flakes into the bowl, and I turned to my wife, ...and what I meant to say was.." could you pass me the milk darling.......and what came out was........you've ruined my life you fat cow!!!!!!!!!

[Dreadful Scathe]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Did you get my drift?".

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".

I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.

I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked
for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

This bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller",
he said "Not you again".

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there
was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said "Are you two an item?".

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food
in
here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint
please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess
nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain,
they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Wendy]

Thanks DS .. lol.. very funny... apart from the seal one

Wxxx

[filthycute]

Did you know that God actually created woman first?
After making Eve he stood back to admire his vision of perfection and asked her what she thought.
She replied, "I think you've done a wonderful job but i'm not sure i need three breats"
This got God thinking.....now what would he do with this useless tit.....

Then he created man.

filthycute x x

[filthycute]

Adam--- "God, Why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God------"So you would love her"
Adam-----"So why did you make her so stupid?"
God-------"So she would love you!"


filthycute x x

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally posted by filthycute
Did you know that God actually created woman first?
After making Eve he stood back to admire his vision of perfection and asked her what she thought.
She replied, "I think you've done a wonderful job but i'm not sure i need three breasts"

Just goes to show you - on the day of creation woman was alreading complaining. Some things never change .

[Tiggerbabe]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair, all different colours green, red, purple, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said to him, "What's the matter Old Timer?
Never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and f****d a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Tiggerbabe]

Here's one for Graham...................