Jokes

[drathzel]

Wedding Hells

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

[drathzel]

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they ****ed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to **** me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

[drathzel]

Jane's Dirty Mind

Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her teacher asked her a question. He inquired, “What grows to 10 times its original size when excited?”
Jane blushed and said that she didn't know. Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I know! The pupil of the eye.” The teacher replied, “Yes, very good Jimmy.”

The the teacher turned to Jane and said, “Jane I have three things to say to you: One -- you have a very dirty mind. Two -- you haven't been studying hard enough. And three -- you're going to be very disappointed!”

[drathzel]

Whale Hijinx

Two whales are swimming along one day, bored. One whale spots a ship and suggests to the other, "Hey, why don't we swim under that boat, and spurt out water so it tips over?"
"Well," says the other whale, "I'll give it a blow job, but I refuse to swallow to swallow any sea men!"

[drathzel]

Beer Machismo

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.
Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."

[drathzel]

Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes

[drathzel]

God's Creation

What is the best thing God ever created?
The vagina.
What was the worst thing God ever did?
Let women manage it!

[drathzel]

A guy enters a bar and he finds a friend of his. So he sits down with his friend and tells him, ''Friend, I got a dilemma.'' The friend asks him, ''What's the problem?'' He says, ''Well, I went on my honeymoon and I was excited because I would make love to her for the first time.'' And the friend asks, ''So what is the problem?'' ''Let me finish,'' says the friend. ''When the time came, my wife took out her orthopaedic leg, and put it in the closet. Then she took out her arm, and put it in the closet. Then she took out her eye, and finally took off her hair and put them both in the closet.'' ''Wow,'' says his friend, ''and what seems to be the dilemma?'' ''Well,'' says the guy, ''I don't know if I should make love to her on the bed or the closet.''

[TheTramp]

Originally Posted by drathzel

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they ****ed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to **** me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

I had this printed off and proudly displayed on the wall at work once.

Think I might do it again! Thanks D!

Trampy

[Bangers & Mash]

Let me know if you like it. I've got plenty more.

Bangers

[Stuart]

A bloke goes into a Department Store and asks an assistant " Do you have a complaints department?"

"No we don't", replies the assistant, "you fat ugly git."

[drathzel]

Osama the Chicken

Why did Osama bin Laden cross the road?
He thought he saw the American flag, so he ran for his life

[drathzel]

The Millennium Kid

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ''Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins.''
''What a coincidence,'' the man said with some obvious pride. ''I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.''

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ''You sir, are the father of triplets.''

''Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence '' he answered. ''I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the thirrd man -- who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. ''Don't tell me! Another coincidence?'' asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said ''I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!''

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers...''

[drathzel]

Fun With Actors

How can you tell a plane is filled with actors?
When the engine stops, the whining goes on.
What's an actor with two brain cells called?
Preggers.

What's the difference between a dead actor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

How do you get an actor off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

How many actors does it take to wallpaper a room?
About three - if you slice them very thinly.

A van with two actors falls off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?
You can fit a lot more than two actors in a van.

[drathzel]

Mommy Almost Died

One day this little girl's dad came home and she runs up to him.
"Daddy, the cat died today!"

"Well, darling," said the dad. "That's just something that happens."

"But why are his arms and legs up in the air?"

"Well, darling, that's just something they do." She takes the death fairly well and doesn't mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.

"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I came downstairs and I heard her screaming 'Oh Jesus, take me, take me!' And she had her ams and legs up in the air and if it hadn't been for the mailman tring to revive her she would have died

[drathzel]

Drunk and Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

[drathzel]

Christmas Cookie Dough

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''

"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''

"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.

''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''

[drathzel]

I'm Only Tribute Drinking

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he's doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.
"My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the man's friends has died.

"No, no," says the man, "they're both still alive. I've just quit drinking."

[drathzel]

Hotel Fun

Bill and Joe go into a hotel. The hotel has 100 floors. The hotel manager tells them that there is only one room left and it's on the 100th floor. The guys take the room. The elevators are busted. So they take the stairs. At the 10th floor, Bill tells Joe he has something to tell him .

''Tell me upstairs,'' says Joe.

When they reach the 100th floor, Joe finally asks what Bill wanted.

''We forgot the keys downstairs.''

[drathzel]

Mountain Bike

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"

"By hiking."

"Hiking?"

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."