Jokes

[drathzel]

One Side of a Phone Call between James Bond...

Comedy Central’s Alleged Humor
One Side of a Phone Call between James Bond and a Former Sexual Partner

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Loins?

Oh, grand! It''s Bond.

James Bond? O07?

Shaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an Austrian terrorist with the overdeveloped reptilian brain and a predilection for man-eating octopi launching bazookas?

Well, contacting you took quite a bit of doing actually. You see, first I tried Giganta Loins. I must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could hack into. Then I figured out that Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has the name Giganta Loins. Rather silly, when you think about it?

Yes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I recalled that I kept one of your garments – your knickers actually. And there it was. Honey Rider is a much prettier and commonplace name. You should use that.

Ah, yes. The, uh... point. Well, it seems that... well, there''s no delicate way to put this. I have a rather nasty case of syphilis. And, um, I''m calling all my sexual partners to let them know that they should go get tested.

Uh-huh. Right. I know it was ten years ago. But the syphilis is rather unusual.

Well, it has gonorrhea.

Yes, my syphilis has gonorrhea.

And the gonorrhea has lice. And the lice have some undiscovered disease that''s kind of between hemorrhagic fever and the mumps. It’s a virulent mutant strand developed by Dr. No-Means-Yes during mission: "The Russian Spy Who Loved To Thunderball Me.”

Yes, I know I said I had a condom. But you see all the condoms I had were made by Q, and apparently, the condoms weren’t meant to be condoms -- they were designed to be used as a pocket parachute. Good man. If you need to have your stapler work as a gun, he''s your boy. Anyway, you didn’t notice because while we were passionately embraced, your tongue accidentally trigged my knockout gas tooth and you, um, drifted off to sleep. But trust me, you enjoyed yourself. They all do.

Anyway, with all the rather bizarre ailments my, um, bizarre ailments have, the doctors have advised me to contact everyone in my sexual history about my condition. No small feat, I assure you. If you saw the list, you''d think I''d been having sex with my fellow spies for 50 years!

Well, this is what the doctors suggest. Right now, I am in a remote island facility. Actually there''s no facility. Just an island. And me. But they''re building one as soon as they can find enough hazmat suits. Anyway, a helicopter is going to pick you up and bring you to the island where we can be treated in isolation.

Chin up! Look at it this way: it''ll give us a chance to get caught up. And maybe once some of the redness goes down, along with some of the greenness and the larvae, we can do some REAL reminiscing.

"Oh, James." What''s that supposed to mean?

[Bangers & Mash]

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International
Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the
story swears it's true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that
was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of
reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the
FBI

because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front
doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the
service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember
to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We
have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

Click.

[Bigger Andy]

Flying Lessons

A woman wanting to learn how to fly a plane signs up at a small airport and was told they only equipment available is a helicopter. The woman thinks for a moment and says, "That’s fine, I'll just learn how to pilot a helicopter."

After some ground instructions the day of the solo comes and the woman is at the commands of the helicopter. She goes up 1000 feet with no problem, climbs to 2000 and the instructor asks " Is everything o.k. ?"

The woman responds; "Yes everything is going well."

The instructor is very happy to have such a great student and decides to give her the last test, so he orders the woman to climb to 3500 feet, make a turn and land.

The instructor goes out to see the landing when suddenly he sees the helicopter spiraling out of the sky ! Luckily, after the crash the student pilot was still alive !

The instructor asked her, "What happened when everything was going so well ?"

The pilot replied: "It was getting cold so I turned the outside fan off."

[Bardsey]

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters...

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

[philsmove]

Sentences Actually Found on Patients Charts

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
3. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
4. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in1993.
5. Discharge status. Alive but without my permission.
6. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful
7. The patient refused an autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
9. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
10. Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. Between you and me we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
13. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might
like to work her up.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in ER she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for the most of her
life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today who is still under our care for physical
therapy.
22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
23. Examination of genitalia reveals he is circus sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. The patient was to have a complete bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stockbroker instead.
26. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities

[Lory]

Thank you so much for those Phil, I really needed a good laugh and they certainly did the trick!

My two favourites....

19. Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid. (your thyroid's in your neck, isn't it )


23. Examination of genitalia reveals he is circus sized.

[Dance Demon]

Originally Posted by Lory

23. Examination of genitalia reveals he is circus sized.

Maybe this means it's got a big top........

[Bigger Andy]

Painless Labour ?!?

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labour.

The doctor told the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labour pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." The married couple decided that they would give the machine a try. The doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father.

The husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more".

So the doctor turned it up to 50%.

The husband said "Why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing".

The doctor warned them "This much could kill you if your not prepared".

The husband replied "I'm ready".

The doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t feel a thing so the couple went home happy with a pain free labour !

However, when they got home the postman was dead on the front porch !

[Curtain]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten dollars." The guy says,

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that *****."

[Bigger Andy]

A message from beyond

A Scotsman left the snow-filled streets of Glasgow for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen :-

DEAREST WIFE :
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

[Curtain]

Not really a joke, but pretty fascinating (especially for the Gus' of this world) ...

READ THIS QUITE FAST!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.

The phaonmneal pewor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oreder the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Yaeh andI awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

[Lory]

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mama," he asked, "are these my brains?"

”No,” Mama answered,

"Not yet"!

[Bardsey]

While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked
"Runway too short?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. "A what?
A rectum stretcher??
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do
With a six-foot a*sehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45.00
Look on copper's face ... Priceless....

[Bardsey]

CHINESE ACCENT RECOMMENDED

A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, nor any sex for quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and said, "Hokay, take off aw your crows." She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.

"Now," said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass away from me to other side of room." Having done that Dr Chung said, "Hokay, turn row and craw reery, reery fass back to me." Once again, she obliged. Dr Chung slowly shook his head and said, "Hokay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you have no dates, that why you no get sex."

Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr Chung replied,





"It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse!"

[philsmove]

FLIGHT DATA RECORDER (FDR) TRANSCRIPTS:

Mechanic #1: "Hey Bob I really don't think we're supposed to be up
here."

Mechanic #2: "Tony, you're such a worry wart. Anyhow, we're supposed
to be up here remember, we're cleaning this bird."

Mechanic #1: "Are you sure? I thought they told us to stay out of the cockpit"

Mechanic #2: ""Hey, look at me, I'm a pilot!!!...(Deep Voice) Ladies and
Gentlemen this is your captain speaking - We're at an altitude of 30,000
feet and Oh my . . .watch out for that mountain!!!.........Ahhhhhhhh (laughter).

Mechanic #1: Hey, man cut it out....Hey, don't touch that it says"engine start" on it...

Mechanic #2: Don't worry....they always turn these things off while
they’re at the gate. (Engine sounds in background....mechanics unaware)

Mechanic #2: Ready for takeoff......VRRRRRROOOOM VRRRRROOOOM (Throttles
rapidly moved from idle to full and back to idle and full again) WEEEEEEEE!

Mechanic #1: OH no, we're moving!!!

Mechanic #2: WE'RE GOING TO HIT THE WALL -- RUN !!!(Cockpit door opens and slams shut. Occupants heard running to back ofthe airplane screaming and yelling) 30 seconds later...... Throttles pulled back to idle.

Did I make this up ? Click on this:

http://teamhouse.tni.net/Misc/noplay/Image5.jpg

[Dance Demon]

Two women meet in the supermarket.

1st lady............Hows your husband these days

2nd lady............Oh he died last week

1st lady...............I'm sorry to hear that, how did it happen

2nd lady..............I sent him down the allotment to get a cabbage for the dinner
& he collapsed with a massive heart attack

1st lady...............that's terrible, what did you do

2nd lady..................i just had to open a tin of peas.....................

[Curtain]

WHEN DID YOU TWIG? ...

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

"Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME."

[Bigger Andy]

A JAZZ CHORD

Stevie Wonder is touring one year, doing live gigs every night.

On his last night the crowd is really rammed and go berserk as Stevie takes to the stage. After a few tunes a Japanese man stands up in the crowd and screams at the top of his voice, "DO A JAZZ CHORD".

So Stevie being the hero that he is plays an A on his piano, followed by a 10 minute inprovised jazz solo, the crowd goes barmy, but the same Japanese man stands up and shouts again, "NO....DO A JAZZ CHORD".

So, Stevie plays a B minor, followed by another 10 minute riff.

"A FACKIN JAZZ CHORD", screams the Japanese man again.

"Look man", says an irritated Stevie Wonder as the crowd goes into silence, "You're gonna have to gimme a clue here, cos I don't know what you're on about man."

So the Japanese man stands up, and at the top of his voice sings.........

"A JAZZ CHORD, TOO SAY..... I RUV YOOOOOU"

[Bigger Andy]

Right click

An excerpt from a 'phone call to the Help Line :-

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu ?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu ?"

Customer : "No."

Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point ?"

Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

[Steven]

Explaining sexuality - the modern way!

Forget about bees and flowers, computer language is modern and useful !!

"Daddy, how did I come into being ?"

OK, my son, time has come to do some man-to-man talking:

Daddy has met mommy in a chatroom, after sending lots of e-mails and
exchanging some .jpg´s and .bmp´s we decided to deepen the case.
So we handed out our mobile numbers and met in a cyber-café.
Later both of us ended up in the lavatory because mom wanted to do
a few "downloads" from daddy´s "memory stick".
As daddy was ready for the "uploading", we realized that we forgot about
installing a proper "firewall".
But it was to late to choose the "cancel" or "escape" button ...
Unfortunetaly we deleted the "do you really want to upload"-message in
the "settings" below "options".
Mommy´s "virus-scan" hasn´t been "upgraded" since a few weeks and failed
to detect and fight daddy´s intruding "blaster-worm".
After contacting a "system-admin" some days later we received the "rated download time is nine months"-message.