Jokes

[Bigger Andy]

Candle in the wind ?!?

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

[Stuart]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don’t know where I am”.

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude”.

“You must be an engineer”, said the balloonist.

“I am” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is,
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been
much help so far”.

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management”.

“I am”, replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, said the woman, “you don’t know where you are going. You have
risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my
fault”.

[Bigger Andy]

Crossing the River

Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength to cross the river." Suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river.

The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." The man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river.

The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

[Almost an Angel]

Following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - a mere 59 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not
to be "funny," but by today's standards, this is hilarious ! For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8

ELEVEN TIPS ON GETTING MORE EFFICIENCY OUT OF WOMEN EMPLOYEES
There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women
available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still
have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined
to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Obtain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the
employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

[philsmove]

I might have been written 59 years ago but IMVHO it still holds good today

But to be honest it applies to men too

[baldrick]

Originally Posted by philsmove

I might have been written 59 years ago but IMVHO it still holds good today

But to be honest it applies to men too

Especialy the bit about making sure the uniform fits. Some places just don't seem to care how a man looks

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally Posted by philsmove

I might have been written 59 years ago but IMVHO it still holds good today

But to be honest it applies to men too

I agree. Most of them are good tips for all employees nowadays, if you remove mentions of sex and change the wording i.e. what they do in a "rest period" isn't strictly relevant . The tone suggests a very different workplace for everyone back then. The employeer had a lot more power over your life. Number 4 is a curious one though can anyone explain what female weaknesses are ?

[CJ]

Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe

can anyone explain what female weaknesses are ?

DS,

you are not, surely, referring to an alleged inability to drive are you?!?

[ToeTrampler]

Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe

..can anyone explain what female weaknesses are ?

Shoes and chocolate for a start


Also loved the phrase:

"husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side

what an unbelievable term

[Bigger Andy]

Respect.

Two men were out playing a round of golf.

As the first man was preparing to take a shot, a funeral procession drove past the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, took off his hat and placed it over his heart.

His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've ever seen you do !"

The first man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."

[Will]

Q) Why does the river mersey run through Liverpool?
A) If it walked it would get mugged.

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally Posted by Ceroc Jock

DS,

you are not, surely, referring to an alleged inability to drive are you?!?

Perish the thought. The majority of ex-girlfriends and current wife are all much better drivers than I am.


...wonder if the use of the word 'current' will go down well ?

[Graham]

If there's any push-back, you could point out that you didn't use "first".

[Will]

Apparently NASA have just done a multi-million dollar deal with Tot to use White Hart Lane as a training facility for their astronaughts.

A spokesman for NASA this morning was quoted as saying that the clubs Football ground had been chosen because it is the only place on earth with no atmosphere.

[Bigger Andy]

Originally Posted by Will

Apparently NASA have just done a multi-million dollar deal with Tot to use White Hart Lane as a training facility for their astronaughts.

A spokesman for NASA this morning was quoted as saying that the clubs Football ground had been chosen because it is the only place on earth with no atmosphere.

NASA must be full of Arsenal fans !

[Bigger Andy]

Six Legged Turkey

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.

"Well I finally did it ! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs !"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing !"

[Bigger Andy]

Purchasing a Turkey

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger ?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

[Bardsey]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today".

[Bardsey]

BEDSIDE PHOTO

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on the stand beside the bed.
He begins to worry. Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.



"That's me before the surgery."

[Gadget]

Excercise
1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.

2) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

3) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures what I'm doing.

5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.