Jokes

[Bardsey]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[Bigger Andy]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach asked, "Who here thinks that they can jump higher than the goal posts ?"

Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh, me sir, me !"

The coach then said, "But Johnny, you are the worst in the team !"

Little Johnny replied, "I know, but goal posts can’t jump !"

[BeeBee]

Originally Posted by ToeTrampler

Re Womens weakenesses: Shoes and chocolate for a start

I didnt think it was a weakness, just a God given / genetic right! And having a wardrope full of shoes just adds to our charm (ok, and empties our wallets, but hey who needs savings when you have a fab pair of shoes )

Beebs

[Bigger Andy]

The "yet".

What part of the human body is called the "yet" ?

No, I don't know either, but in the paper the other day it said that this lady had been shot and they hadn't got the bullet out of her yet !

[Bangers & Mash]

think we've all been through this

http://www.illwillpress.com/tech.html

[Simon r]

Originally Posted by Bangers & Mash

think we've all been through this

http://www.illwillpress.com/tech.html

yep been through that many a time ...

but now at work we have an IT dept and guess what there just as ****ing crap. Proberbly be deleted so....starts with f ends in g second word starts with c ends with p

[Graham]

At work our internal IT support has a group in India, who were awful at first, but now they're a lot more clued in. At home I tried NTL tech support the other day who were obviously based in India (at least I phoned 3 times and got 3 different Indian people) and were hopeless.

[Bigger Andy]

Drink Driving !

Two drunken men were driving home.

The first started screaming : - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall !

Baaaaam ! They hit the wall.

The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend :- You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you ?

Jim answered him :- IT WAS YOU DRIVING !

[Stuart]

**Jack and Jill

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was
take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to
put them on.

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and
told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear
them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I
always will. I don't want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on"
she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your ******* attitude,
you never will."



*

[Bigger Andy]

A Perfect Memory ?

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad ? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up !"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there ?!"

[DavidB]

Outsourcing...

[Lynn]

Originally Posted by DavidB

Outsourcing...

[drathzel]

Originally Posted by DavidB

Outsourcing...

very very good!!!!

[under par]

Originally Posted by Bigger Andy

A Perfect Memory ?

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad ? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up !"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there ?!"

[under par]

The setting is the eve of the Battle of Trafalgar........

"Order the signal, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledygook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,
lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace
to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed
ahead"

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch
of water."

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What?"

"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing
the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew put up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

" I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying
that sir You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety..... Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal
punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir"

"In that case, kiss me, Hardy."

[Lory]

In a rest room:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY
THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN
ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES,
WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG
AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T

KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE
FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL
YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR
- THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[Bardsey]

Excellent Lory, laughed my head off! Have some rep points!

[under par]

BEHIND EVERY
SUCCESSFUL WOMAN
IS HERSELF

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER
IN HOT WATER


I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN
ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW
TO COMBINE MARRIAGE
AND A CAREER


COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST
BETTER RICH


I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN


WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT


OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME


DO NOT START WITH ME.
YOU WILL NOT WIN


ALL STRESSED OUT
AND NO ONE
TO CHOKE

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

[Stuart]

What happens when a frog parks on double yellow lines?

He gets toad away.

[Bigger Andy]

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle