Jokes

[Bigger Andy]

How to get a dog into a restaurant

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher ?"

He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua ?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua ?????? They gave me a Chihuahua ?!"

[azande]

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a rowboat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know -it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”

To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”

[Bigger Andy]

Originally Posted by azande

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a rowboat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know -it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”

To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”

See post #520 in this thread !!!

[ducasi]

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

Gave me a longer cane!

[ducasi]

Following up the story of the Baptist Bra, a female friend sends me this. I pass it on without comment...

Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes? Well, if you have ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code:

A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a reduction
H. Help Me, I've fallen and can't get up!

[Stuart]

Two tomatoes are walking down the street. One is falling behind, so the other turns to it and says, "Ketchup!"

[Bigger Andy]

WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH ?

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French ?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

Suddenly the group became very quiet.

[Gadget]

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are ****ing menthol"

[bobgadjet]

This MAY be a true story, if so, good on her..... read on......

A little old lady gets to the checkouts of a supermarket and as the shopping goes thru the checkout she says.....
"Just a minute dear, those biscuits should be FREE"
"No" says the checkout girl "they are 86pence".
"I beg to differ" says the old lady "but your label says buy two, get one free, so that one is free"
"But" says the girl " you only have ONE packet"
"That's right" says the old lady "I bought one last week, and one the week before"
"That's all very well, but you have to buy all three at the same time" says the girl.
"Can you show me where it says that on the notice?" says the lady.
v
v
v
The lady got her biscuits FREE


I do hope it's true

[stewart38]

How to treat a Woman and make a man happy

It is not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologists
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organiser
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

IN ADDITION, YOU MUST:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she
goes
53. It is very important that you never forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes

How to make a man happy:

1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace

[azande]

You know you're living in 2005 when...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.

[philsmove]

Tourists driving through Wales

At Aberdaugleddyf they stop for lunch
One tourist asked the waitress, "before we order could you settle an argument for us, would you please pronounce were we are. very slowly"

The blond waitress leaned over and said
"Burrr-gurrr- Kingg"

[bobgadjet]

Originally Posted by philsmove

Tourists driving through Wales

At Aberdaugleddyf they stop for lunch
One tourist asked the waitress, "before we order could you settle an argument for us, would you please pronounce were we are. very slowly"

The blond waitress leaned over and said
"Burrr-gurrr- Kingg"

:r ofl:
If anyone was near when I read that they would have wondered what had happened.

BRILLIANT

Isn't it amazing how the shorter the joke, sometimes it's so much more funny.

[CJ]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in
her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her
private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the
monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough
there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and
explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a
little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains
closed for privacy, and his cooperation it might just work. He finally
agreed and went into his wife's room. A few minutes passed and then
the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate, alarms
ringing, the nurses burst into the room." What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[Swinging bee]

Do you want to know how how the new German Pope was so quickly voted in........Ther was no option, he got his towel on the alter first......

[bobgadjet]

Originally Posted by Swinging bee

Do you want to know how how the new German Pope was so quickly voted in........Ther was no option, he got his towel on the alter first......

The best Pope joke yet (IMHO)

:clap;

[bobgadjet]

THE RABBIT
==========
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.


It says...


(Are you ready for this?)








(Are you sure?)













(This is bad!)














(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)








(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)


(You can still delete it)
















(You know you're gonna be sorry)














(Last chance)





(OK, here it is)




It says,


"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."

[Stuart]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon
their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

However, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed how well he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try to 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the
wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. However, when they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

[Stuart]

Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in
the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be
a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor,
"Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one
coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern
up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry
to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the
doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[Stuart]

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on April 1 this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my porch on a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard!