Jokes

[El Salsero Gringo]

A priest is travelling by train. The train pulls in at station, and a Rabbi climbs on board, sitting down on the seat opposite the priest. They travel along in companionable silence for a half hour, each deep in the reading of a holy book.

Eventually the priest leans over and whispers to the Rabbi: "So, tell me, Rabbi, have you ever tasted bacon?"

The Rabbi looks quickly around him then leans over to the priest: "Well, actually, Father, when I was a young man, I did give it a try."

"Very good, isn't it?" asks the priest.
At which the Rabbi nods quickly, and sinks back to his reading.

They travel along together for another twenty minutes when the Rabbi leans over towards the Priest: "So, tell me Father," he says, "have you ever had sex with a woman?"

The priest looks quickly to each side, and replies in a low voice, "Actually, Rabbi, when I was a young man, I was tempted - and I did try it once."

And the Rabbi leans over again to the priest: "Better than Bacon, isn't it??"

[stewart38]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
> > >
> > >"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked.
> > >
> > >"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
> > >"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
>gang
> > of
> > >high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I
> > >directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
> > >"So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
> > him on the head,
> > >kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the
> > >ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
> > >
> > >St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
> > >
> > >"Just a couple minutes ago."
>
>
>
>
>Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ~ WOO HOO what a ride!"
>

[Almost an Angel]

Women's Revenge

Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I
asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.

[Stuart]

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".

St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"

God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".

"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."

1) There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2) It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3) Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4) The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5) Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."

[bobgadjet]

Don't know if this little story has been here before, but what the heck, I think it's cute..................


There were two nuns………

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, ! no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow! us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!

[bobgadjet]

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Fenwicks in Brent X. He told
the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B." With a
quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"He repeated "A
Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a
Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests
for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra,
or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the m! ! an asked: "So, what are the
differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all quite simple really. The Catholic bra
supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmmm. I know I'll
regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

[drathzel]

Police Chase


A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th, if you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

[azande]

ONE-POINT DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed
2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS DARES
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem - (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you - here are some examples of insane acts you can use anywhere...
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the subject field for all your e-mails, write " FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS".
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling: "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

[drathzel]

Azande...why are these unusual things to do, i do at least two in every section on a regular basis!!!

[azande]

I'd be interested to know today's!!

[philsmove]

Originally Posted by azande

I'd be interested to know today's!!

Try to teach the office manager the wizzy drop you learnt last night

[Gadget]

Last week a salesman at my work picked up the phone to an outside line, said the usual speil, and asked who the caller was looking for: "Alan Cameron" "Hang on I'll see if he's here...oh, that's me."

{^ true story}

[drathzel]

5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

These were todays

[Stuart]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

" A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".

[DianaS]

Tee Hee – Ha Ha

Today is . .
International Very Good Looking,
Damn Smart Woman's Day

So please send this message to someone
you think fits this description.
Please do not send it back to me,
as I have already received it from a
Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman!

And remember this motto to live by:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming...

Damn, What a ride!!

[Purple Sparkler]

Originally Posted by azande

ONE-POINT DARES
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
*snip*

I only just saw this thread!

So glad I'm wearing waterproof mascara today, because the tears literally are running down my cheeks.

Right. I'm off to attempt number 8. Number 9 will be attempted on Monday when I have an Executive Meeting two floors up from my office.

[philsmove]

A young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are"!

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

[stewart38]

Ive know my mate 30yrs and the other day i forgot his name, how embarrassing, so I ask him.

I said excuse me 'mate' im sorry to say ive forgotten your name what is it ?

He thought for a while and said 'How long have I got to get back to you'

[Robin]

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the
radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady
who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless
of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a
portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald
who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military
installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things
are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible,
isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching
them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become
violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be
a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended

[Stuart]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girl's father, totally silent up to that point, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You try to get her pregnant again."