Jokes

[Lou]

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man." "Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff -and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - it's a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yoinks!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship you dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper,ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down

through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing...

Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived... and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. "Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie-talkie. And the tramp began to climb...

up and up...below him the ship grew smaller...on and on...past a solitary albatross...and still higher...till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...and on still further...till the ocean grew dim...and the earth itself...began to shrink...past our moon...and on...and Mars...and on...higher, and higher...through the asteroid belt...and on and on towards the diving board...past the outer planets, until...on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...he reached the board.He climbed on top and radioed the captain...and then...he jumped. .

Slowly at first but speeding up faster, and faster, speeding past Pluto, and the other outer planets, through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip,and dove...NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.Up and up, desperate, gasping...Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!"

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd."Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:"Well you see... I'm a just poor tramp... so you must understand... I've been through many a hardship in my life."

[Lou]

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the
steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
"I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, Or my older brother Colin, Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Chicklet]

I thought the tramp was FLYING to Oz. wrong again obviously

[DavidY]

These are (allegedly anyway) GCSE English 2002 Essay Quotes...


* Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

* McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

* Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

* The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

* The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

* The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

* Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

* The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

* Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

* The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

* The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.

* Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

* Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

* It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

* The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

* The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

* The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

* The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

* It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

* He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

* She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

* She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

* She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

* Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

* It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.


Made me laugh, anyway....
David

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally posted by DavidY
These are (allegedly anyway) GCSE English 2002 Essay Quotes...

yeah very funny - i thought so when i posted it to the forum too

that was a few months ago mind...

(they are American high school metaphors though not British, someone has altered them to be British related)

go here to see the original

[DavidY]

Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
yeah very funny - i thought so when i posted it to the forum too

I did have a quick check first to look to see if they'd been posted before but obviously didn't use the right search criteria (some words were different in the US version).

I never 100% believed the GCSE English thing either (hence the "allegedly" above)

:sorry :sorry

Still amusing though...

[DavidY]

Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
yeah very funny - i thought so when i posted it to the forum too

that was a few months ago mind...

(they are American high school metaphors though not British, someone has altered them to be British related)

go here to see the original

After reading this post I got intrigued and tried to find the origin of these. Best I can find is a Washingon Post 'Bad Analogies' competition in 1999.Washington Post page. I dunno if that's the real original or if there are other even older precursors.

Looks like they weren't written by school kids though...

David

[PeterL]

look what's appeared on the interpol website

[Aleks]

Originally posted by PeterL
look what's appeared on the interpol website

Do we have a new suspect for the murder cases???

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally posted by DavidY


Looks like they weren't written by school kids though...

Who can tell? The free information of the Internet means you cant tell the chaff from the wheat anymore - but then its fairly likely that the majority of information contains innacuracies when its reported by anything other than first hand. Which basically means every news article you read is probably lies and the internet makes the 'chinese whispers' all the more prevelant.

Don't trust anyone, but keep an open mind.

Have a nice day .

Mr.Paranoia

[Sandy]

Someone sent me this and I thought it quite good

"Uncle Gigsy Wiggsy


> David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to
the
> bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
>
>
> Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?"
> Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"
> "Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance".
> He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999.
However,
he
> is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.
>
>
> "What's the matter, son?" asks Becks.
> "Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles
> Brooklyn.
> Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe
door.
> Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.
>
>
> "You w@nker Giggsy" screams Becks.
> "My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running
> around naked scaring the ***** out of Brooklyn."
>
Sandy

[Aleks]

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife
"Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I says 'Bell two', you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell one' and she stripped naked. 'Bell two' and she jumps on the bed. 'Bell tree' and they started to make love. After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell four". "What de hell is 'Bell four'?" He asked. She replied : "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire."

[Sandy]

made me laugh.

[Sandy]

just a teeny bit risky!

How to shower like a woman:
> >
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to
whites and coloured. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> >
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups. Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
> >
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash
hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint
conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair
for 15 minutes.
> >
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash
entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in
shower, spray mould spots with Exit Mould.
> >



Get out of shower.
> >
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent
towel. Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs.
> >
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see
husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.
> >
> > ************************************************** *****************
> >
> > How to Shower Like A Man:
> >
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave in a pile. Walk
naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her
making woo-hoo sound. Look at manly physique in the mirror.
Admire size of your knob and scratch your ass.
> >
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your
hands and let the water rinse them off. Make huge fart noises (real or
artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. Spend
majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt
leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
> >
Shampoo hair. Make shampoo Mohawk.
> >
Pee.
> >
Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on
floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, wet mat on
floor, light and fan on.
> >
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel,
shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again. Throw wet towel on bed.


Recognise yourself anyone????

[Jayne]

What do you get hanging from trees?










Sore arms.

J

[PeterL]

Originally posted by Jayne
What do you get hanging from trees?


sore arms









J

Sore arms.
edited .
never read the answer sorry thought you just posted the question

[Claire]

I can't remember who told me about the site that I found this joke on..... apologies if it has already been written on here..... but it does make me chuckle so I thought I would post it!



For anyone who ever tried or thought about cheating in an exam.......

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam!

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre, on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now! The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first problem was worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?

[xSalsa_Angelx]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had
not had a date or any
sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have
something wrong with
her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a
sex therapist. Her
doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese
sex therapist, Dr.
Chang, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said,
"OK, take off all your
crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and
craw reery, reery fass
to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery
fass back to me." So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your
probrem vewy bad. You haf
Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever did see. Dat
why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God,
Dr.Chang, what is Ed
Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and
replied: "Ed Zachary Disease
is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

[Jayne]

hope this works...

J

[Jayne]

Originally posted by Jayne
hope this works...

J

I'll try again later...

sorry!
J :sorry